Youth Sports + Mass Holes = this email

The coach of a girls 6-7 year old youth soccer team wanted to set the tone for the season from the get go. As such he decided to craft a ridiculously aggressive email message to the parents of "Team 7" aka "Green Death" in hopes the attitude would trickle down to the young girls. It seems his message was misunderstood, shocker, and he was forced to resign from his coveted youth sports coaching post.

Check out the hilarious email at the link below

http://deadspin.com/5192302/massachusetts-girls-soccer-coach-resigns-over-hilarious-possibly-insane-email

Some Effing Links

To Help You Pass Your time

Sadly, these people are not "on a boat bitch"
http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/africa/03/31/libya.boat.sinks/index.html
I recently discussed my disgust with this streaming update/twitter phenomenom. It seems Twitter and its stupid effing mascot the "fail whale" are gaining cult following on par with "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Tweeter Peeps are holding parties to honor the site, getting tatted up with the "fail whale" and just generally making Dr. SlowEff sick...I pray im strong enough to fend off any urge to get invovled with this shit...Be strong Dr, be strong.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/03/31/twitter.fail.whale/index.html?iref=t2test_techtues

All sorts of weird news not not worth reading
http://www.newsoftheweird.com/archive/index.html

A Cheaper way to fly?
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,511798,00.html

24 Recap: Starkwood's Bait and Switch Makes FBI Their Bitch

Its okay Tony, they got us too. Last night we witnessed a textbook 24 bait and switch when Coach Kilmer’s weaseley assistant juked President Taylor into digitally signing a Presidential Immunity Order and then spin moved out of trouble with his boss after leading the FBI to the wrong storage facility. The hour closed as a tense face-off between Starkwood, a rogue military agency, and the Bureau. Starwood seems prepared to defend their grounds at all costs, totally ignoring that fact that the US government is the US government. I know what you’re think “ohhhh shit, this is about to get ugly” but look for Starkwood’s operatives just to stall the FBI from finding the weapon, they may be brazen, but they aren’t stupid. Then again, they’re in pretty deep so who knows what could happen when radical patriotism trumps common sense.

Now, the emotional part: Bauer has been infected with the deadly biological agent, which from what we saw last night ends in a painful violent death by seizure and paralysis. We’ve been in this situation before team, Bauer’s written off, it seems there’s no way out, and then BAM, he comes back to save the day. But every time this happens, it seems less likely that Jack will be able to walk away. I mean he’s been infected, that’s it- he’s not going to make it. But don’t be so naïve. There are multiple situations that could play out here; maybe a radical experimental antidote, maybe a false positive, or maybe he’s not really infected, maybe the FBI is trying to cover somehow. We do know one thing though, it hurts to see Bauer sitting on the sideline, even if we did get some full frontal nudity in the process.

Answer me this: How in the hell could the President’s cabinet stand by while she makes an obviously awful and emotionally-fueled decision by tapping her daughter, the First C, Chief of Staff? I mean give me a break here people, no chance this would ever happen. It’s also very obvious that she’s up to no good, which we should learn more about next week after what appears to be a steamy liaison with her news reporter friend. In the meantime, it’s 2-4, so keep your head on a swivel.

Video of the Day: Dick'll Make You Slap Somebody

The hhhwang will make a lady do some caraaaazy thangs...like slap the shit out of you.

On a Boat? Here's What You'll Need

Dr. SlowEff and the SlowEffSquad just can't get enough of The Lonely Island hit "I'm On A Boat" featuring T-Pain. After many weekends spent yelling things at strangers in bars, such as "I'm on a boat bitch" or boasting about ownership of "dolphins", "flippy floppies" and "nautical themed pashmina afghans" I've decided to take a step back and complete a thorough analysis of the must have items required for one to not just "be" on a boat, but more importantly and more difficult, "to be on a boat like Leo"...if you're on the shore here is what you'll needo.

1. A big ass yacht...nothing else will do
2. Friends to be on the boat with you...being on a boat by yourself is just not as cool.
3. T-Pain in a top hat...this gives your boat much needed street cred and someone to sing the hook for your boat song, both of which are crucial to being on a boat.
4. Swim Trunks and Flippy Floppies- absolute must have, don't leave shore without them.
5. Dolphins for doing "flips and shit"...think of this like a real live dingy for off boat excursions and water sports.
6. Santana Champagne- because its so crisp...nuff said
7. Nautical Themed Pashmina Afghan's- This tells everyone you belong on the effing boat, you know the water and it knows you. YOU CANNOT RIDE A BOAT WITHOUT THIS NECESSARY PIECE OF NAUTICAL FASHION...keeps your neck warm on blustery days as well.

It may also behoove you to bring mermaids for effing, a grill for burgers, buoys to climb as there are no trees on the boat and if need be, leave a friend behind at Kinko's where he can make copies.

If you do not have access or ability to purchase/gather all necessary items just remember..."like Kevin Garnett, Anything is Poossssssssible"

Effer of the Week: Officer Powell

http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/032609dnmetcopstop.3e9c080.html

This cop is the Effer of the week for being a flat out dickhead. I've watched the video and while it doesn't seem like he did anything blatantly wrong he certainly didn't do anything the proper way at all considering the circumstances. The video and the link don't require explanation, just watch. Officer Powell, you did not have to take that long to write the ticket, you obviously did not grasp the severity of the situation and you obviously have some sort of moral high ground you find yourself on to act in such an effing unaccomodating manner. Check your ego and your badge at the door and return to remedial agriculture classes at the local Plano County Community College you effing eff.

EFF Jam of the Day: Beeeee My little Baaaaaby

Classic College Fist Pump Jam...tear

Did Anyone Else Just Cry?

"Where the Wild Things Are" the movie is coming to theaters this October and I could not be happier. The 1963 Maurice Sendak childrens book was always one of my favorites as a kid and the thought that it will be brought to life on the big screen is just amazing. Directed by Spike Jonze and starring Forrest Whitaker, James Gandolfini and Mark Ruffalo, "Where the Wild Things Are" looks to be an awesome fall event judging by the silent but inviting trailer accompanied by a solid Arcade Fire joint. I already know it will be an emotional viewing for Dr. SlowEff.



Check out more details at the link below

http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2009/03/25/where-the-wild-things-are-trailer-comes-to-hairy-scary-life/

Reporter Passes the Eff Out

Check out what happens when an early morning news cast turns tragic




Extra props to the guy on the left who does absolutely nothing when the girl does a faceplant into the sand.

Beware the special eff-ects of your cell phone...

You just have to see this one for yourself. Your brain has been warned

Pop Corn téléphone portable micro-ondes
Uploaded by sassiere

Now if they can somehow figure out how to dispense butter from these things we've got ourselves a magical combo.

Drug Dealer’s “Stimulus” Plan

The budget deficit in California is currently one of the biggest in the country. Lucky for residents of San Diego, they received an unsuspected stimulus package last Friday when the passengers of a Ford Truck decided to “make it rain” 17K on I-805 N.
Chaos ensued as cars stopped on the shoulder, the median or just the middle of the highway as motorist retrieved the raindrops of Grants and Benjamins.



“People were jumping the median and stuffing dollar bills in their shirts,"
-Reported one resident.

Who would be capable of such an admiral yet idiotic act? Was it famous “make it rainers” such as Lil Wayne or Adam “Pacman” Jones? No, it was two undisclosed suspected drug dealers! In an attempt to either;

A) Stimulate the economy or
B) Avoid additional charges being that they were already effed and being pursued by an entourage of cop cars.

“I’m in this bitch with the Terror, got a handful of stacks better grab an umbrella! I make it rain, I make it rain, I make it rain”

Clearly it was option A. Who needs Obama’s budget or Geithner’s plan to buy the “toxic” assets from financial firms when you have these outstanding citizens giving back to the community? Hats off to you guys and when the police realize your true intentions you’ll be able to “make it rain” and stimulate the economy on highways across the country.

Gayest Moments in Sports History

Streaming Updaters= Go Eff Yourselves

I'm sooooo effing tired of reading completely unnecessary shit that streams from "status messages" on facebook via my news feed. Why any of these people are under the impression that others care to keep a minute by minute log of their facebook friends whereabouts is beyond me.
Dr. SlowEff has yet to figure out just what type of person it takes to post these streaming messages of personal doo doo butter. As such, I have conducted a sweep of my facebook news feed in search of some of the most horrendous violators of this new age personal pathetic update system,also known as a PPUS or PathetiPuss.

I hope you know these people and I hope some of them read this...its not out of hate, but rather, out of love that I have called attention to this gross misconduct.

wishes more than just one of my RSS feeds would update itself :(
- This person is maybe the number one worst status messanger ever,what the Eff is an RSS feed you dork and why oh lord why do I need to hear about your wishes.

reading some articles this morning... at least I have coffee!!! :0)
- Well isn't this great, you have coffee to help you through some articles...this makes me feel better about having coffee and reading a case file...thanks loser

was so tired a few hours ago, why am I wide awake right now? Damn insomnia...
- OHHH, isn't this a shame. Am I supposed to spend my day feeling sorry that this person I sort of know is having a rough bout with insomnia...NOPE

wonders how you stuff a marshmallow into a piggy bank
-Ahh, the creative updater, asking me questions I'll be forced to dwell upon for the remainder of my life...I don't care about how a marshmallow fits in an effing piggy bank, i only care that it fits in my mouth>>(What she said..oh snap)

just discovered Mistos at Starbucks and is now obsessed
-Well isn't that great. It seems you went to Starbucks and read the menu...clap clap clap...maybe I'll go get a misto because of this.

What scares me most about this new wave of PPUS is that it is spreading rapidly. There is now this awful thing called Twitter that has pro basketball players posting at halftime and pretty much anyone with access to the Internet hoping to get their thoughts (that i don't care about) across to the world. Dr.'s Prescription= go eff yourselves
This video says it all...whether facebook streaming updates or Twitter tweeting, its all just yapping about your unnecessary, unexceptional life.

Tragedy Strikes American Hero Abroad

After a long night of drinking with Babe, the blue ox, Paul Bunyan awoke missing more than his dignity. Police have secured the crime scene and have brought in Lorena Bobbet for questioning.

Although this was thought to be an isolated incident, officials are now concerned about a repeat offender after photos of Babe surfaced this morning.

An Open Letter to dcsleez.com, the "Perez Hilton" of DC

Dear dcsleez.com,

Apologies if we've never heard of your website, it is both out of our demographic range and interest levels. We did, however, manage to do a little background research through some associates from the Metro-DC region after you insisted on taking some jabs. First let us start by saying you guys seem to be running a legitimate blog, one with lots of great information and insightful observations from the District, where as ours is a hobby that we contribute to in our down time. That being said, since you guys are trying to be a legitimate blog I polled some of our contacts in the region to get the scoop on dcsleez.com. Unfortunately, only about 2-3 of the 25 or so people I asked had even heard of your "kind of funny site," that "tries to be the Perez Hilton of DC." Ouch. So excuse me if there is a lack of dirt we can bring to the table. What we can do, however, is use your site's content as fodder itself. From an initial scan, your site delivers weak commentary on the weakest city on the East Coast, and that's fine, because thats what you guys have set out to do. We blog on our interests, whether that be TV, current events, or food that looks like poop served in toilets. And please dont comment on how you may have generated traffic on our site, we dont want your attention, and we don't care about the numbers. Oh yeah, one more thing, dchino is actually operated by a longtime friend of sloweff, who I'm sure is going to offer up his own retort on the situation. Of course there was ill will passed back and forth between our 2 blogs, but that's what a blog-off is, and we don't need to tell you that, you've already drummed up petty disputes when you cant find anything to write about in your blogs past. At the end of the day dchino and sloweff are closer because of our blog off, and now, thanks to you, we've found something else to hate. So keep pretending on being important, keep calling out blogs to help find something to write about, and keep being the arrogant stereotypical cardigan-wearing, collar-popping douchebags that DC is known for, go eff yourself.

-Slow Eff Squad


PS: People that say they party harder normally dont know how to party at all.


PPS: If you guys are trying to find something to post, just write about how you won the Super Bowl.

Cocktioneer Wanted

It seems this young lady, Alina Percea of Romania, is auctioning off her Va Jay Jay in hopes she'll get a bid large enough to pay for her college tuition. She says she hopes to find more than just money through this process stating, “I want to meet a gentle, respectful and generous man." Alina also has papers that guarantee she is a virgin...where does one get ahold of such documents? I've got news for you Ms. Percea, the gentlemen who respond to this auction offer will be anything but gentle and respectable...i'd say they'll fall more along the lines of aggressive, old and a tad bit rapey. But Alina Percea, if by gentle you mean "sloweffs" and by "generous" you mean "well hung", then I believe the staff at SlowEff might be willing to "Fund" you in your quest to attend college. Gidddy UP


Check out the little auctioneer and the rest of her article at the link below.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2337687.ece

24 Recap: Bauer Exposed

Now that's what I like to see, good old fashioned 24 action. Last nights ep had all of the makings of a classic episode; big time weapons of mass destruction, Tony Cool and Bauer tag teaming terrorists, and a glimpse into Jack's tortured soul.
Some major events happened last night including the resignation of President Taylors Chief of Staff (brought on by none other than the First C herself. Another glimpse into the First Family that the First Bitch is on track to make a ful recovery after being temporarily paralyzed, choked out, and being pumped full of lead.

But the real action came out of a shipyard in Alexandria, Virginia. In a 9:2 ratio of villain to bad ass, Tony Cool and Bauer relived their glory days, moping out terrorists and taking names. Using intricate flanking positioning, the 2 rogue operatives managed to hold their own in the process of securing the biochemical bomb being loaded onto a big rig. The real emotions came out when Bauer was forced to choose between the safety of tens of thousands of people and his conscience. Bauer, feeling the need to redeem himself from his past sins, chose the latter- saving a Port Authority watchman that Bauer had promised to protect. This is the true raw emotion that we love seeing.

The big news came in the final minutes of the episode when Bauer was forced to pull over to stop a leaking gas tank from infecting innocent civilians. It was in this process that Jack was exposed to the harmful chemical agent which we learned that during testing in Sengala caused extreme dementia and paralysis leading to an ugly death.

As the world waits with bated breath for his blood work, one can only hope that Bauer will be resilient, as usual. Plus he just signed on for about 3 more seasons so I'd say his chances are pretty good.

X Rated Barbie Video of the Day

Thanks to a friend of the Eff for the link up

EFF JAM of the DAY

Sweet Effing Cookie Jars

Not Cool: Band Girls in Bikinis

During last nights thrilling coverage of the
VCU vs UCLA first round NCAA tournament game, the producers at CBS showed that they're nothing more than a couple of middle aged dirtbags. As underdog VCU closed the gap on Pac-10 powerhouse UCLA, and the pressure of the game intensified, the camera started to focus on 2 bikini clad VCU fans. For those of you not familiar with college sports, VCU stands for Virginia Commonwealth University, a school known more for its French Film Festivalthan its population of attractive co-eds. At first glance it appeared that that these girls were underage VCU superfans who made the trek to support their team. As time wore down it was revealed that these down country vixens were actually members of VCU's pep band. Either way, is it necessary to bombard us with uncomfotable bikini shots during a close college game? I'm all for gratuitous shots during games, but Jenn Sterger these girls are not. Not cool CBS, not cool.

The AXE Eff-ect

In the past few years the market for male body spray, the poor man's cologne, has grown considerably. Leading that charge from the get go was AXE body spray. Offering a wide variety of scents with sexy names, using adjectives that evoke feelings of sex and the smell to boot. Their products range from body spray to shower gel and are all designed specifically to get the owner some desparately needed S E X. The idea AXE has is quite smart. They prey on the average joe and present the products in a light that suggests "with AXE you can be the Man." Sadly, with AXE you can really only be a man who wears AXE...anything beyond that is up to you.

Here is the latest AXE commercial with a little analysis of the situation. It's called the "double pits to chesty backflip" and it can only be down by those who use AXE.

Could this be the worst TV show of all time?

You may have seen this ad, it's being played nonstop on ABC and sister network ESPN. Apparently it's a new saucy NYC cop drama due out this April. All of the one liners in this ad are awful attempts at sarcastic NY cop humor. When a scantily clad woman opens her apt door and say "You're not the pizza boy," the cop responds "And this isn't a porn film." Also, when a giant hot dog asks "hey, dont I get a phonecall" the detective responds "who are you going to call the hamburglar?" One, this is an obvious trademark infringement, and two, yes he actually does get an effing phone call, so pipe down Detective Lolita.

One has to wonder if they're taking the stereotypical NYC sarcasm and wit a little too far, almost seeming like they're tyring too hard to be "New Yorky" which makes them posers in my book. Also, halfway through the ad one of the weak minded cast members attempts suicide while an "F" train is barrelling towards him at full speed. One can only hope the F effs his life up.

Eff Jam of the Day

Sweet jam, Sweet video, Sweet Eff

Lets Hug It Out Witch

After losing his aunt to "witch craft" Gambian leader Yahya Jammeh, aka Yiggy Jam Jam, has taken his "cause of death" search to the streets. Villagers are being rounded up all over the country by Mr. Jam Jam's personal guard, with the help of witch doctors because they know how to "spot em". They are then taken to government locations and forced to down hallucinogenic concoctions. Sure, Sure Yahya, that will certainly help you find witches, people on hallucinogenics will often times reveal any tendencies or skills they may have in the dark arts.
I remember this one time when I was tripping with Lord Voldemort and Gandolf somewhere in Middle Earth and they were both very candid about the "witchy" things they got into...among other things, they admitted to making people short, fighting kids, on again off again relationships with sorcerers of the same sex, etc. So, its my guess that your "search and trip their balls off" method may turn out to be quite fruitful. What an Effing idiot!

Disclaimer:

Dr.SlowEFF does not condone "witch hunts" of any kind.

check out the link below for the full story on the crazy Gambian Witch Hunt


http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/africa/03/18/gambia.amnesty.witchcraft/index.html

Sirent, but deadry

As a recent Manhattan resident-turned commuter, I've been forced to adapt to a new lifestyle, for better or for worse.  Nowhere is this more apparent than my gym regimen.  For years, my routine has been based around the philosophy that you go home, change, go to the gym and go home to change; this came to a screeching halt when I moved out to the boonies with no car or gym for miles.  So now I gym bag it, with all of the other gym-going commuter douches.  Through trial and error, I've learned the ropes of locker room etiquette.  Unfortunately, nothing could prepare me for Tuesday's "initiation".  Here's how it started:  Get out of work on time - check.  Find a locker not surrounded by 20 dudes - check.  Change - check... sorta.  While tying my shoes, I caught a nasty whiff of something fierce, like "holy shit, what the eff is that?!"  Being the inquisitive person that I am, I turned to check my area (bad idea).  As my luck would have it, some shit-farting ninja had snuck up, strategically placing his dirty ass and wiener about a foot away from me.  In an attempt to avert my eyes from the Rocky Horror Johnson Show, I ended up cranking my head into my own locker door - it was like I turned on my TV to "2 girls, 1 cup" and the only way to change the channel was with my face.  mr Miyagi found this quite hilarious.  Well I'm never falling for your fart-flashing move again.  But fear not effers, I was handsomely rewarded with a pole-dancing class in the main studio.   Whammy.

Sucky Mergers

The following is a list of 3 of the biggest assholes in the world. The way they operate their motor vehicles is atrocious. I will discuss their tendencies and provide you the reader solutions to get out alive. My solutions do not guarantee success, for the danger these individual impose is astronomical. Since road rage is out in ‘09, giving the finger will NOT be a solution. The following 3 (in no specific order) pertain to awful motor vehicle operators. Please note one person is not exclusive to just one category and can fall under all three to create the suckiest person ever.

1) The Left Lane Clogger

They are amongst the most infamous and dangerous people in the world 2nd to maybe Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

The phrase “drive right pass left” doesn’t register to these troubled individuals. Without care, they will drive in the passing lane going no more than 6O MPH. It doesn’t matter if there are 2 lanes or 5, they will BE in your way clogging up traffic. This is dangerous because the left lane is not for poofs. Usual demographic is a cauliflower head and most likely driving a “fake” cop car (you know the ones that COULD be a detective so you tense up and breath heavy just to find out it’s Grandpa Pappy driving). Do not just look for Pappy in the fake cop car for this could be ANYONE clogging.

Solution: Pass on right. You can try to honk and flash your lights, but you will be losing valuable time and traffic will be building behind you (keep in mind that these people are dedicated to the left lane and being in EVERYONES way). Check the right lane AND the right right lane to make sure the coast is clear. Signal and pass. As you are passing, gives two honks of the horn and a giant thumbs up.

Most likely caused by the “Left Lane Clogger”

2) The Turtle Merger

These people clearly learned how to drive in Montana or Idaho where the only other object to hit would be a cow or their cousin effing a cow. When merging onto a highway normal human beings drive fast to make the merge easier for everyone on the road. Not these Turtle Mergers, they drive slow and not the cool way like K-West and Paul Wall. "Drive Slow Homie......"

NOT like this Swisher-House-Club-Rocker

Solution: This one is tricky because there isn’t much room to maneuver merging onto a highway. So it has to be a quick decision or else you’re caught behind them. After you’ve decided the car in front of you is in fact a “Turtle Merger” pass on the right into the shoulder and floor it around this jerk before you have cars coming to a screeching halt behind you on the highway. DO NOT pass on left for there is traffic there and it could result in a messy incident. If you have time/composure give two honks and a big thumbs up!

3) The Stopper

The most erratic and inconsistent of all sucky drivers. As their name implies, they stop and it is for NO reason at all. There could be a clear lane in front of them, but they are going to hit their brakes so you potentially rear-end them. Other attributes for The Stopper is the old brake-stop-signal-turn which also could result in a potential rear-end. Usual demographic of such drivers are girls 16-25. Most of the time they are adjusting their Bluetooth or checking the most recent text message from their generic sloppy gorganite friend that reads accordingly:



“OMFG….Last night rocked!!! I was so blacked out I woke up with my thong inside out and my thighs sore…Do you know what happened?”

I think we all know what happened but this discussion is paramount and cannot wait until our friend to be in a position where he/she/it is not in a position not threatening to others.

Solution: Destroy with a rocket launcher immediately so these things cannot procreate.

D.C. = Yucky Effing HIV Haven

Houshamenzadeh= put it on the board and count it as a championship.
District of Coumbia= a whole lot of HIV/AIDS

read the article, stay informed, use protection, don't have sex with multiple partners and Don't live in D.C. or you'll get AIDS

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29742416/

It's a Walk Off: D-Wright Sends Puerto Rico Packing

Who says these games don't matter? In a thrilling 6-5 win over Puerto Rico, the US was able to avenge the team that Mercy-Ruled them 2 days earlier. With the bases juiced in the bottom of the ninth and The Prince of New York at the plate, David Wright hit a walk off flare down the right field line, scoring ad-hoc second baseman Brian Roberts, and arch enemy, yet surprisingly funny Jimmy Rollins.




The US will advance to face team Venezuela and flame throwing closing-prodigy Francisco "K-Rod" Rodriguez.

Good Ole' Peeping Tommy

Have you ever wondered why we call men who cannot seem to understand the concept of privacy a Peeping Tom? After reading about the latest creeper peeper in the headlines, I decided to delve a little deeper. The story begins long ago in the town of Coventry, England. Legend has it that Lady Godiva, wife of Lord Leofric the III, rode nude through the streets in protest of her husband's oppressive taxation of the townspeople. The Lady, before her infamous ride, asked the townspeople to stay indoors with their shutters closed so they would not see her in the nude. All the obedient townspeople obliged, except a curious tailor named Tom. He bore a hole in his shutter to catch a sight of the beautiful Godiva, and upon his first glimpse of her was struck instantly blind. Ha, take that Tommy! Is the legend true? Probably not competely, but the story of Tom the tailor is replayed day after day by men, young and old, who cannot seem to obey the simple rule of privacy. Today we have a new Peeping Tom.

See for yourself...



Well Jeff, bussted! How embarrassed you must feel huh? I bet it really sucks. Slipping a shoe, equipped with a camera, under a dressing room door is hardly original either. Not even half as original as Eyeborg, and who knows if he will become America's newest Peeping Tom. I think it is only fitting that you are bestowed Effer of the Week. Thanks for keeping it interesting, the competition is heating up!

Sponge Discontinued: Whores S their P's

In a recent announcement, sponge manufacturer Vag-A-Sponge CEO Chet Ladavance proclaimed with a heavy heart, that the there would be no more sponges to spare after the most recent shipment hit stores. Mr. Ladavance cited the economic downturn coupled with prophylactic advancements in condoms, nuvo rings and other methods of birth control as the reason. "The Sponge has absorbed all it can handle at this point" wept Mr. Ladavance. Thousands of sponge crazy woman lined the streets of New York City in hopes of getting their mits/snizz on the last, sacred, contraceptive sponges made popular by Elaine Benes on Seinfeld. It seems the supply of sponges did not quite meet the demand that had lined up and when news hit that the sponge was 86'd, well...just watch the madness

Happy St. Patty's Day Effers

Bristol Palin: SlowEffed, then Slow Left

Bristol Palin and her boo Levi "Silky" Joooohnston have called it quits....for the time being. When asked about the relationship Levi gave his best 19 year old analysis, saying, "We'll just remain friends for now. We're both cool with that decision, and we'll see... We were just, we were in a fight. And trying to see if we can make things work. But this is what it kind of ended up turning into... It's just us not, me not being mature enough, or something, and having a kid and thinking ... it could be better -- better for us to separate for a while."

Roughly translated this means: "Im looking to eff other girls right now"

http://gothamist.com/2009/03/16/levi_johnston_he_bristol_palin_must.php

24 Recap: Senator Red Dead After Being Pumped with Lead

I have to give it to 24's writers this season. In what seemed like a typical "set-up" episode, action at the tail end made this, yet again, an hour to remember. The prototypical "set-up" episode usually spends most of the hour developing the plot for an action packed following hour...as this one did. But, as the show was winding down, a surprise twist occurred when Black Ops Speical Operative John Quinn cranked about 5 bullets into Senator Red's chest while posing as the DC metro police. Now Bauer is doubly effed: Not only was Senator Red the one person that could help clear his name, but the guy who killed him had to be merked out in an epic construction yard knife fight. (I have to give to Jack here, I think this was the first time he's used a bulldozer to apprehend the enemy.) The good news is that he was able to find a location of the WMD's from Quinn, the bad news is that they're already in the country about to be deployed...in Alexandria, Virginia. On the other hand, I know a few people in the DC metro region, and this may not be bad news at all.

Keep tugging at the sweater, eventually the whole thing will unravel- Bauer's figured out the connection to Coach Kilmer's defense contractor Starkwood and General Juma. The two found a mutually beneficial relationship where Kilmer can develop and test the weapons on the people of Sengala, and Juma can get paiiiid. It's funny to me how these radical protectors of democracy feel that upholding the ideals of America by releasing a devastating biochemical nerve agent
on it's own soil is "fundamentally and absolutely necessary."

Also, keep an eye on the first daughter, or "First C" as I like to call her. She's thrown many curve balls already and definately cant have the best of intentions here-don't be surprised if her and Coach Kilmer are in cahoots.

Next episode should be solid: Tony Cool's back in action after a brief latte stop at a sidewalk cafe (gotta keep the caffeine up), and the Starkwood delegation has been told to bring their pajamas..and their toothbrushes, because it's going to be a long night.

While in search of Sheriff of Nottingham, Robin Hood gets lost in Bronx; shoots traffic court officer instead

After dropping off fellow parishioners from church, Denise Delgado-Brown thought she'd been hit in the stomach with a baseball... PSYCHE BITCH! it was a 30 inch arrow. After screaming bloody murder, she was taken to St Barnabas Hospital where she's expected to fully recover from her encounter with the Prince of Thieves. Police do not suspect any foul play, however Friar Tuck has been contacted for questioning.
http://www.nypost.com/seven/03162009/news/regionalnews/bronx/woman_hit_with_30_inch_arrow_speaks_out_159862.htm

Mr. G Montage

Effing ecstasy

Not Cool: Subway Fart

A new feature topic here on sloweff will be "not cool." Not cool will consist of random observations made while conducting everyday tasks and routines that I deem aren't "cool." Currently I'm on the N,R,W on the way to work on a fantastic Monday morning. The trains crowded, but not overly packed. I'm minding my business, playing brickbreaker, trying to pass the time- when are eerie wofting scent approaches my nostrils. A middle aged man is seated to my left with a newspaper covering his face. I look down, he peers from over the Post and coyly smerks as if he felt guilty about something- the way a kid would smirk after eating the last cookie from the cookie jar. Not cool bro. I'm trying not to slit my wrists as it is and here you are dropping bombs in a subway full of people who probably don't want to smell the onions and meat you had for dinner last night either. To make things worse he rode for 2 stops and just got off as I'm writing this.....the ollllld stink and run- well played sir. Welp, hopefully this has no bearing on the upcoming week.

Plans for this weekend?

Video of The Day

Was anyone else fooled by this ad? I could have sowrn it was for J-Date

EFF Jam of the Day: Smooove

The King of Pop sold out all of his recently announced shows in 4 hours...sloweffsquad salutes you.

ummm?

How Gay is Your Husband?
Take the Gay Husband Quiz & Find out how Gay Your Husband Is.
www.mydailymoment.com

To all the ladies in the house...i just saw this link at the bottom of a cnn.com page and figured I would put it up so our female sloweffers can get to the bottom of their relationships. Best of luck finding out the results....Yikes

The Real Stimulus Package?

It seems California is once again at the forefront of the medicinal marijuana crusade. State Rep. Ammiano has recently introduced legiaslation that would make controlled sale of the drug legal and taxable by the state. Marijuana is already the largest cash crop the state has, bringing in around 14 billion buckaroos a year. As the state is already strapped for cold hard cash and the economy is in the deuce pot, maybe the sticky icky is the answer to everyone's problems. They believe, that if passed, the greens could bring in an additional 1.3 billion a year....sounds like a Yay vote to me.

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1884956,00.html?cnn=yes

Effer of the Week: Bernard Madoff

Bernie Madoff, the infamous mastermind of a 65 billion dollar Ponzi scheme spent last night in the clinker after pleading guilty to 11 counts of all sorts of dickheadery. He was without a doubt the biggest EFFer of the week and no doubt will contend for EFFer of the year. Sooooo...

Dear Bernie,

I would normally say effer but in your case you deserve the extra ummph...you are a huge fucker. You robbed friends at your country club, neighbors and associates across the country, countless charities, Elie Wiesel who survived the holocaust, Steven Spielberg and the man, the myth the legend, The Baconator, Kevin Bacon. Who the Eff do you think you are man? How did you maintain relationships with these people, posing as a friend, consultant, money manager, etc...all the while knowing, as you said in court, "the day would come when I would be arrested." Go Eff yourself man! You ruined countless lives...to include your wife, and sons. You claimed that you quickly realized you would not be able to "extricate" yourself or your clients from the scheme and that was in the mid to late 90's.
Dickhead, you could have saved a lot of grief and hardship for a lot of people if you had the sack to come forward with your bullshit financial hoax. But no, not you Bernard, you enjoyed the jet setting, country clubbing and your multiple properties too much to come clean.
I recently heard you were wearing a bullet-proof vest out when you left your apartment...what does it feel like to be hated so much by so many that you need to take those extra measures? It really is too bad no one was able to get a clean shot at your forehead from an undisclosed roof top. And now, as so many were happy to hear, you are stuck in a cell no bigger than a walk-in closet with a "bunk mate" and a visible toilet until your sentencing in June. I truly hope your "bunk mate" digs into you like you dug into other peoples savings Bernard, it's going to hurt in a different way...but hurt none-the-less.

Go Eff yourself Bernard...SlowEff and many many others hope you get the "treatment" you deserve.

xoxo,

Dr. SlowEff and the SlowEffSquad
Thanks to New York Magazine for the altered mug shot.

Bear Market Got You Scared?

Well CHEER UP!
Madoff is in jail and the market is on the rise.
Citi stock is up 50% and the future is looking bright for this former penny stock mega-bank.
And most importantly, Britney Spears is back on tour and doesn't look like Crystal, the meth-whore mother of two.

prognosis: Recession OVER

Now get back to lickin' that bulls nuts for the big payout:

Eff Jam of the Day

RIP

Not worth our time, peace dc dorks

EFF DCHINO, Again

As a follow up to the Dr's post, I wanted to add a few comments/concerns. The fact that we plagirize your garbage is hilarious. As Dr. Sloweff previosly mentioned, we support all of our information with links and proper back up. Your blog however, copies and pastes articles, has 2 sentences of comments, and nothing else. Which begs to ask...isn't that plagrism? Also, this leaved me wondering why I just didn't stick to reading cnn.com, and better yet, wondering why im on this website at all? Second point is that all you guys do is post videos without any further information, sweet...i guess.

More importantly, it's weird how a tracker and pictures popped up on your site soon after we added them...weird?

It doesn't take a genius to realize where the real, firm, solid content is coming from. You guys are the plagirists and dorks.

PS- All you have to do is check the numbers, we run your shit.

“Eyeborg” – Creative Eff-ort

"If you lose your eye and have a hole in your head, then why not stick a camera in there?" – Rob Spence, “Eyeborg”.

Yes, Yes! Mr. Spence, what an idea! For those of you that do not know who Eyeborg is it may be well worth your time to find out now. Not just any cameraman, Eyeborg will use the “hole in his head,” more clearly explained as his eyeball socket, to place a concealed camera inside a prosthetic eyeball. He will wear this eyeball and instantly become a human surveillance machine. Eyeball filming, as it may be called, is pushing the boundaries of existing filmmaking tactics as we know it, and can lead to new and exciting documentaries directly from the perspective of human vision. New technology has allowed the camera to be concealed in many different areas, for example sunglass frames, the button on a lapel, or under the brim of a cap. But inside of an actual eyesocket? From the actual perspective of real human vision? Imagine the possibilities! Spy agencies around the world may one day capitalize on this, allowing once handicapped one-eyed men a new career in eyeball film spying. Will Eyeborg become an international superstar director, capitalizing on his handicap with a novel idea? Surely a possibility, and most likely his goal. Or will Eyeborg become a convicted felon, unable to control the new peeping tom powers he has suddenly found? Chris Hansen may have a new type of predator on his hands if this invention moves forward. Only time will tell....

http://www.reuters.com/article/technologyNews/idUSTRE52441A20090305

I ask one question…aside from the very obvious which I will not even mention here, what would you film if you had the ability to put an effing camera in your head?