I totally respect sexual orientation. I also respect an appreciation or passion for the things most important in one's life. BANGING OUT YOUR VW BEETLE IS UNNACCEPTABLE.
Let's start this off with a quote to get the ball rolling:
"There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs loving."
I would love to know where you wedge your pud...the gas tank? the exhaust tip? between the armrest? where the seats fold down? under the flip down vanity mirror? HHHWERE AND HHWHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THESE VEHICLES?
This situation brings a whole new meaning to "drive-in" movies. Do you ever just lay back and let the car take charge? Are there new sexual postitions like the "reverse dry rack and pinion steering" or "congress of the AM/FM radio?"
How does a relationship work and when does it come to an end? Have you ever been scorned or wronged by a car that Effed another lover? Do you dump cars when they "depreciate in value?" Do you look back on a '89 Camaro and say, "that was my great white buffalo...the one that got away." Dammit, how do you even know the difference between a guy car and a girl car? do you check under the hood for that sort of thing? EFFFF my head hurts thinking about all this.
I realize this is far less a letter and far more a ridiculous take on 20 questions but I just cannot get my car around this "auto-erotic" thing you've got going.
I'm going to leave this here as I'm speechless and out of questions. Good luck boning cars you weird eff.
Yours Truly,
Dr. Sloweff here's the link to the story further wow factor.
I have just been informed by a sloweff reader that a fatal flaw exists in my katy perry analysis. In my seemingly well thought out breakdown of Ms. Perry's body of work I carelessly overlooked two "deal breakers" if you will. I simply cannot stand idle knowing the absence of two "essential hits" could sway my affection for KP...it wouldn't be right.
So:
Teenage Dream and California Girls are on the board and are currently playing on a loop while this horrific error is addressed.
Upon close of the last post the score stood at 1-3 in dis-favor of Ms. Perry. The addition of these two songs could very easily flip the switch, mount a comeback, eff shit up and even alter the world as we know it...it's poss but not obvi.
Teenage Dream: hell, i'd be an ass if I attempted to deny the high school whimsy this song evokes. If you can't recall that wild high school emotion from the good old teenage days than i truly feel sorry for you. There are few things one experiences in life that compare to the wonderful world of a teenage romance. I feel absolutely no need to argue this song any further. A teenage dream is a teenage dream and whether you're 15 or 50 the excitement you feel is simply the "tits." Score one for Ms. Perry...it's now 2-3.
California Gurls: Analysis of this song tears my heart in every direction. First off, it features snoop and that's always a plus. IN addition, it's about california girls and as a resident of San Diego I would be stuffed full of high grade bullshit if i were to deny the reality that is a "california girl." I definitely react to this song when I hear it but with far less intensity as I might for Ms. Perry's "kissed a girl" or "if we ever meet again" with timbo. I guess what I'm trying to say is it just does not "light a fire" within me and unfortunately that's a fatal flaw for a song as I see it. I'd love to give a point in favor of Ms. Perry here but I can't force what doesn't feel right.
Final Score is 2-4...despite a late push with "teenage dreams" Ms. Perry was unable to win over my full fledged support. She'll have to prove her worth as time moves forward if I am ever to declare myself a "fan."
I'm writing to you for a very specific reason. I was recently asked point blank, "do you like katy perry?" Initially I stuttered and found myself lacking any opinion and truly at a loss for words (a phenomenon that rarely occurs). I was informed that the debate over you and your music had created a divide amongst four siblings and in the course of said debate, two pro "katyperriers" made the argument that i would like you. It would seem a statement such as that would end any debate whatsoever. I have, for the last 5 years, been considered the pre-eminent scholar on all things "YOU" and so we now stand at this fateful crossroads. "Do I effing like you?" Discuss!
Well Katy I feel it's best to start with the beginning...much like the bible and any good book, it's crucial to absorb the entirety of the situation before making any full fledged commitments or offerings of support.
You came out the blocks with the hot, edgy, not, not Lesbo ballad "i Kissed a girl and i liked it."
A creative marketing ploy to say the least. This song put you out there as someone who was fresh and fearless when it came to speaking your mind/deep soul kissing same sex individuals. I could instantly relate to the lyrics as they pumped aggressively in my mode of transportation. I felt a bond building as I realized I have also kissed (a) girls and I also liked it. I mean OmEFFG Katy...did you just say "Jon Stamos?" because i think we just became best friends. NOT SO EFFING FAST!
Your next song "hot and cold" sucked...it sounded much like your debut, the above mentioned track, and demonstrated a "boxed" Hollywood lack of creativity. If I'm feeling hot and that song comes on I am instantly cold. If I had been fist pumping pre-that song coming on I am almost immediately disinterested and it's highly probable I've gone to "secretly" throw up in the bathroom.
As it stands after two songs the score is 1 to 1. HMMM, let's dig a little deeper.
I want to be very clear that as I now write this I am blasting a 4 song play list containing nothing but you're music. It's both research and inspiration...maybe a little weak spot for top 40's pop music on the side as well.
The collaboration you and Timbaland put out, "if we ever meet again" in late spring/early summer of 2010 is easily my bottom bitch( for those who don't know...this means my top money earner if I happened to be a pimp..it's a good thing) where you and your body of work is concerned. I have danced to this song fully clothed and fully lacking clothes. I have fist pumped to the moon and back while enjoying this song. HOWEVER, it's a Timbaland track and that essentially guarantees success. Moreso, It's him featuring you and not you featuring him...another one bites the dust. I can in no way knock this song but I can't in good conscience give you the points on this one.
The score now stands at 1 for and 2 against.
Last but not least is your latest release. "Fireworks" will be the deciding factor in this super hot, pop cultural debate. I realize there is an even number of songs being judged and as such the possibility of a tie is in the cards...however, a tie is a loss in this game and a side/opinion/last word will be given.
As i now bop my head to and fro to the beat of "fireworks" I feel desperately unsure of myself. I "semi-heart" the inspiring mantra the song promotes. I have often imagined myself as a firework blasting across the sky...etc and as such I am unable to say "i don't like that song." However, this song, much like "hot and cold" lacks any effort. For that reason alone I am forced to score another one against you. This leaves the final tally at 1-3.
As a doctor and as a friend/potential follower on twitter/aspiring 27 year old not not teen pop artist, I feel compelled to offer you my diagnosis and a prescription to get you back on track.
Step outside the effing box with your beats and catchy lyrics. Take a break from this pre-packaged "jumpy mcJam Jam" shenanigans and explore your more creative sides (if they do in fact exist). If you could find it within yourself to revert back to the edgy/counter cult/betty page looking Katy Perry who not only kissed girls but kissed them and liked it I assure you there will be success in your future. It might also be beneficial for you to consult your husband Russell Brand. He's "like totally hilarious" as far as im concerned and he always provides ridiculous hits via his alter ego Aldus Snow in the movies he appears. As he sings, "inside you," is where you need to be looking.
In conclusion, and upon thorough review of your 4 more popular songs, I have "kissed your music, and i did not like it" and I'm a firm believer in the power of a kiss.
REgardless:
as a side note...this video makes abso-effin-lutley no sense to me. I mean jewel thiefs? Is that the asian chick from wayne's world? I thought this song was about running into a past love not jacking a sweet old ladies "family jewels."
I don't know all that much about you. I am aware that you are a well known singer songwriter, famous for songs such a "Save The Last Dance" and "I'm Your Man". Aside from this I really have no idea where to place you, at least I didn't until recently. While watching an episode of SNL in my bed late one night I was suddenly forced upright when you came on to perform your latest musical number, "Haven't Met You Yet." I was instantly overcome with emotion, joy, wonder and feelings of love. Maybe it was your lyrics speaking to me as you explained that you've "broken your heart so many times you stopped keeping count" or your encouraging mantra of somehow "I know that it will all turn out, you'll make me work so we can work to work it out", or maybe it was just my love for songs with horns and shit. Regardless, I became an instant fan of this song. I listen to it while driving the lovely and romantic beach front roads of sunny California. I listen to it while I shower in the morning. I listen to it when I occasionally do sit ups in my apartment. Bottom line is this, I listen to it...a lot and I don't feel gay as in homosexual gay but rather, I feel gay, like really really happy gay, when I hear this song. I was also comforted by the fact that you performed on the Colbert Report, a show not known for being G-A-Y. All in all I'm so very grateful for my recent discovery of your music and I will give a good faith investigation into your other songs...eventually. For now I guess I happy knowing that I have met you and in that I can see it will all work out.
As you will find out after listening to the gentleman's complaint call to Jimmy Dean, they have really gone and back doored the consumer.
Dear Jimmy,
Your recent switch from a 16 oz sausage role to a 12 oz sausage roll is wreaking havoc on a family with a net weight in excess of 1,000 lbs...don't you consider this shit when you make such crafty marketing changes Jimmy? I mean really, the three men alone top out at around 650 lbs, plus a "plump, stocky woman" and a 13 year old girl in the midst of puberty and crucial growth years...they clearly require a more hearty serving of sausage at breakfast. How does it feel to be directly responsible for effing with an obese families breakfast desires? He's been a GD self proclaimed lover of your meats for almost 30 years for eff sake. If someone had been loving my meats for that long you certainly wouldn't find me going out and skimping back on my beef and upsetting a meat lover in the process. Did you think the customer would be willing to compensate with additional fried eggs or an extra T-bone steak you dumb eff? Jimmy, this man is from Texas where everything is apparently bigger and as a result he's sure as eff going to be keen to the size of things. Did you think he wouldn't notice when you go and pull this kind of crap in the dark of the night in grocery aisles everywhere? What the EFF?
"Save money, save money...fuck I want to eat God Dammit"
Congrats on your nomination to the Supreme Court pending your confirmation. It looks like you will be the very first Latino on the bench and a very "Wise Latina" at that. I liken your knew found status to that of the "Crunch Wrap Supreme" hereafter referred to as "CWS". Much like the "CWS" you stood out on the "Taco Bell Menu/List of potential nominees" and as such, were more likely to be "ordered/nominated" by a "drive thru customer/Barack Obama" when the "old menu item/Justice Souter" was removed. As I search further through this "You/Crunch Wrap Supreme" analogy I continue to find startling comparisons. Just as the "CWS" brings a great deal to the eating table, you too, bring a great deal to the table at the confirmation hearings. Additionally, the "CWS" contains many ingredients and I qoute "A warm, soft, flour tortilla filled with seasoned beef, warm nacho cheese sauce, a crunchy tostada shell, reduced fat sour cream, lettuce and tomatoes and then wrapped up and grilled for maximum portability."--(tacobell.com menu)--You like the friggin human equivalent. You are a "warm,soft flour tortilla" (suggests empathy), filled with "seasoned beef" (you've been around the block). Throw in some "warm nacho cheese" (careful, you're nice but capable of a 'burning' decision) "a crunchy tostada shell" (you had a tough life growing up in the bronx and that has hardened you), some "reduced fat sour cream" (cause you're shaped like a pear and should 'eat smart') and top it off with "lettuce and tomatoes" (everyone needs some filler?). Oh and by the way, you're both a huge mess to clean up...oh snap. How crazy is that? That comparison did in fact JUST HAPPEN and I am currently patting myself on the back for seeing the "big picture/full menu" that is you, Sonia Sotomayor, the "wise latina", or rather, "The Crunch Wrap Supreme". Go Get Em Girl!
Roevs.Wadely,
Dr. SlowEFF
P.S. the taco bell analogy has nothing to do with the fact that you are a latina and may like "mexican-ish" food.
The first time I viewed your Dos Equis commercial I was enchanted. Let's just say you had me at "hello", a word you probably know in every language. You play Hi Li, you live vicariously through yourself and you once had an awkward moment just to see how it felt....boom, I'm sold on you and 100% interested. At the very end of the commercial, surrounded by hot chicks in a swanky lounge setting, you remind us all to "stay thirsty" and let me tell you, after hearing those tidbits about you I was thirsty as eff to learn more. Thank god there were follow up commercials with more extremely interesting facts about you...how you speak French in Russian, how you can disarm a man with your looks or your hands, how you don't carry credit cards because your personality is too magnetic and how your blood smells like cologne( hit me two times bitches). Next I find out that in addition to the stream of commercials that provide interesting information about you, there are also many short clips in which you address random interesting topics such as "careers", "red dresses", "those nuts", "packages", "grooming" and the importance of "life". Of course all these topics are discussed while you sit there with that beard of yours, the one that has "experienced more than a lesser man's body", yeah that's the one.
I mean what the eff man...you are the balls and the shaft and I absolutely want to be you. I'm not quite sure how I would go about it of course but I've started a personal exploratory committee, chaired by myself, to "explore" the possibility of becoming as interesting as you.
Is there anything that you just don't do or have yet to consider doing? Maybe taming lions, going back and getting a couple Doctorates in East Asian studies and Botany or achieving certification as a sommelier, I really don't know, but I'm confident you have a plan and you'll see it through. I'd have to say it is that last fact, the having a plan and seeing it through that I respect the most about you...you have lived a life daring to do new and "interesting" things and what's more, you accomplished those goals and continue to set out new ones. You are truly a maverick renegade and I applaud your life choice and take everything you say literally...also, dos equis is cool with me.
Sincerely,
Dr. Sloweff
P.S. will you be my sensei?
P.P.S what grade beard trimmer do you use?
and this one is just amaing "and then I taught a horse to read my emails" hahahaha
I have had a rove affair with your inabirity to pronounce the the retter "L" ever since watching the movie "Team America". My mother who is an ESL teacher has since informed me that the asian ranguages do not necessarirry recognize or acknowredge the "sound" and as a resurt they pronounce the retter with more of an "r" sound. As such I have crafted this retter to accomodate our "l" to "r" ranguage barrier. That being said...dude, seriousry? You are effing nuts. You traver around your country in an armored train, you eat with sirver chop sticks, you rove Erizabeth Tayror and Ervis, have a correction of over 20,000 VHS tapes and consider yourserf an expert of both firm and the internet. Excuse me whire I raugh...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...and im done.
As if your personar interests aren't enough, there area arso your crazy poriticar agendas that have run your country into the nether regions of despair and poverty. Your poricies are "sirry, yes rearry" sir and your ambitious desire to weird chemicar/nucrear weapons has again, just this week, taken a turn for the worse.
In the rast week you have raunched murtipre test bombs and short range missires, referred to the 1953 armistice that ended the war between north and south as Nurr and Void and just yesterday you stated that if US or South Korean ships mess with boats bringing nucrear suppries to your country you wirr be "merciress". UMMMMMM, buddy, this is just not the way you want to go about things. Im not rearry sure if you think these acts wirr give you reverage in bargaining for righter sanctions on your piece of shit country but common sense wourd dictate you are effing with the wrong homies here. I trury hope that it does not come down to war because as the saying goes "what is it good for? absorutery nothing". You wourd certainry be effed arr over the prace by a variety of "actors" on the internationar revel and that is the resurt whether you raunch a weapon or just continue to put your dick in praces it does not berong...ie a nucrear facirity. To be honest though, im not rearry suprised...this is typicar Kim Jung-Ir being Kim Jung-Ir and despite the fact that your are near the end of rife this is arr behavior we shourd expect. However, my recommendation is to forget about arr this nucrear nonsense and your confrict with the south and keep things poritics as usuar in the hopes of herping your county. Maybe curr up with a VHS of Creopatra starring Erizabeth Tayror and sip some scotch as you rive out your rast years...just a thought.
OMFG...I cannot believe Adam Lambert Lost....hahahahahha. I also don't care. However, you do, you really effing do. I'm sure many fans sobbed last night following the "epic" 2 hour finale and announcement that Kris "With a K" Allen was this years winner winner chicken dinner. I am also sure many of Mr. Allen's fans felt joy beyond their wildest dreams...dreams of pink unicorns riding across rainbows while playing harps I imagine. Get it together gang. Clearly many of you are heart broken with the results while others still are "ssthuper" excited. Remember there will always be next season, with new talent, new pathetic/wacked out eff's trying to sing, new people to creepily obsess over and establish fan sites in the name of. I'm sure Paula will still look like an effing "perc'd" out orange tinted maniac, Randy will still say "Dawg", that other judge will still be "that other judge" and of course Simon will still be a hate hate hater with a British accent. So my suggestion is relax, move on with your life and in the mean time you can text vote and invest your being in another effing reality show.
Ma Ma Ma My Poker Face is hard as eff to read and I'd be happy to go heads up, double down, raise and clean your house. Flat out, you are a galactic whore bucket and my love for you is growing. The first time I saw your "Just Dance" video its safe to say "you had me at Just" as I was already dancing. I was quite intrigued as you skeezed it all about a grimy party scene, riding the eff out of dolphins, actively incorporating your hands into dance, wearing next to nothing(you hooker) and all in all bringing the "funk". I have to be straight with you, I did not want to like you at first. I knew where this was all headed...straight to "aggressive girl pop star action" and we all have seen where that heads (ie misses spears and rihanna). However, let's just say your latest single, "Poker Face" was a full on game changer. While at first I resisted your catchy beat it became impossible to avoid the song. The radio, my real life Lady and pretty much every bar insisted on hitting that beat on repeat. It was not long until I found myself humming it on the train, dancing to it sans clothing apres je prend une douche (french for take a shower) and basically enjoying the whole damn song. When I realized what was happening to me and the fact that it was truly "real life" I made a pact with myself never to purchase your beat on itunes...a restriction of sorts. Alas, Dr. Sloweff is apparently weak in the knees for a combo remix of Justin Timberlake singing hokey remixes of your songs on SNL. So, as I geared up for a long, arduous road trip last Thursday eve, I did it, I downloaded the eff out of your song. At first I felt used, disappointed in my caving in...a Lady Gaga relapse of sorts. However, not long after merging on to 78 West it was your songs turn on my sweet "Summer Jammy '09" playlist and it was then that I signed my soul over to the devil. I'll leave it at this... I got my car dance on...and I must say, my car dance shit, it gets real, real serious. Througout the weekend the song became a high point in what was an already strong playlist creation. I no longer feel uncomfortable when listening/dancing in my car to "Poker Face". I do however feel used and alone...and my car smells like sweat and fear.
Its over, give it up. Your once informative ads have turned from soothing to annoying. At first I was lured like a moth to light to by a dynamic combination of meticulous white board illustrating and concise explanations. I thought to myself "wow, not only can this guy draw really well, he can also tell me how to efficiently handle my small business's shipping needs at the same time." The sort of qualities you admire and expect out of a college professor. In fact, if I didn't know any better I'd say that guy definitely wears blazers with leather patches on the sleeves. To top it all off, The Postal Service's "Such Great Heights" and it's beepy-boppy beat was stuck in my head for days and days after first hearing it. Ohhhh, I get it, Postal Service/UPS, both send things...wow, you guys have really got this whole marketing formula down.
All was well in UPS land, for a solid year or 2, but you know what got me? No, it wasn't your froofy she-mullet akin to a recent Open Letter recipient. No, It was when you sold out. It was when I knew you were a fraud. Remember when your favorite baseball player tested positive for steroids? That's how I felt when I learned that the professor was no more than a pawn for a corporation that had as much integrity as Bernie Madoff. You see, I always wondered how he could draw so precisely while talking about my shipping needs, I didn't want to believe that it was fake and all digitally enhanced, so I continued to hold out hope. Then UPS did it, they confirmed my fears by making the Professors drawings suddenly animate. How could this happen? Is nothing sacred? Is there anything in this world that isn't enhanced by a GD computer? You're telling me that you marketing whizzes, the clever bastards that made the deep connection between UPS and The Postal Service, couldn't find some guy that could create amazing drawings and talk at the same time? Eff you UPS, and as for you Professor, I thought you were better than that. You changed mullet guy, you changed man....go eff yourself.
Player haters beware...your separation from N'Sync and rise to solo stardom has blown my effing mind. I mean dude, you make hot music, you dance like it is your job (and at times it is), you can act and you EFF(ED) Brittany Spears, Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel to name a few. I applaud you JT. It seems like every time I see you do something new I am required to have greater respect for your talent and "the way you do those things you do." Your appearance this past Saturday on SNL produced more of the same top notch sketch comedy that we've all grown to expect from you. From Target to Plastic-ville you had my attention...but the kicker was the follow up to your hit duet with Andy Samberg "Dick in A Box" entitled "Motherlover"...let's take a look:
Ummmm Gold right there, and a Susan Sarandon cameo...behave yourself JT this one made my teeth sweat. Also, great use of topical humor as it was Mother's Day Weekend but I'm sure you realized that.
When I think back to the days when your head was a mound of golden pubicals I never would have imagined that I would stand here today, a proud fan of all your work but I am and I do...keep bringing sexy back.
Consider yourself on notice. Skinny Jeans are pants for women that began as a female fashion trend a year or so back and for whatever reason they have transcended gender boundaries as a bunch of gay men, hipsters, rock stars and even rapper Lil Wayne have begun to rock them all about town. I've got news for you guys, you look effing stupid and whether you say you are or not, I know you can't be comfortable. There is no good reason for a man to be stuffing his lower body, package and all into a pair of jeans so slender and tight. Do you actually believe you look "attractive" or "well dressed" in these female skinny jeans? Or is it more about making a statement and fitting a certain image? I believe Sprite said it best, "image is nothing, thirst is everything" so while you rock those skinny ass jeans with the idea that you look "hip" I watch and observe as my mind is blown. Are you aware that the ultra snug fit is doing damage to your sperm count guys? You realize that by cramping your dinger up in those lady pants you are heating up the natural temperature at which the sperm are able to survive...So not only do you look stupid while wearing pants that are cut for skinny girls but you are also damaging your own seed...all in the name of "fashion"?
I suggest you do us all a favor and your sperm as well and loosen your pants the eff up.
I’m sorry. I didn’t want to do this, but I’m left with no choice. You’ve gone from confident, to arrogant, to arrogantly obnoxious, completely obnoxious, to full blown psychopath. Seriously, your arrogance borders on psychosis. You said that if the Bible was rewritten that you'd be in it. I, like many other people, out there cannot figure you out at all. I know you’ve never been humble and always played the whole “nobody cared about me until I was in almost killed in a car wreck” card, which is fine. But what started as comical has gotten weird and tired. Take the video below for example, you’ve got that crazy look in your eyes, the look that says I don’t give an eff what I do because im the king of the world, which is evident because apparently you’ve changed your name from Kanye West to “Martin Louis The King Jr.”- completely normal.
You were a fashion icon, turning the hip hop world upside down by not sticking to the norms, by being confident enough to throw aside the FUBU and wear a pink polo shirt with a popped collar. But now you’ve just taken it a little to far. You have an afro-mullet, seriously? Take a look at the picture below, you cant just throw a bunch of wild ass shit together and call that being fashionable- Your entourage is more fabulous than the Village People.
Which leads me to why this rant started, your music. Your First 3 CD's (College Dropout, Late Registration, Graduation) are classics that feature hit after hit. I saw you kill it in a small gym 5 years ago before you blew up, I knew you were going to be big, and could only hope that you'd continue to dominate the game. You are a friggen musical prodigy, the music that you've made not only for yourself, but for others are classic songs. But I could tell in Graduation that something was happenning inside your head, something that I didn't want to hear. My fears were confirmed with "808's and Heartbreak." What is this? Why did you do this? I know you've been through a lot in the past year or so, but what? Trying to sing into a synthesizing voice box thing doesn't make you a singer. It makes you a bad singer thats singing into a synthesizing voice box thing. Since when did you sing? I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I purchased it on itunes, hoping and praying that there would be one scrap of decent music on it, but I was wrong. I'd been had by a psychotic, dillusional mullet wearing fraud. I get it, you want to evolve as an artist, next will be alt rock, then bluegrass, then who the hell knows, maybe some chamber music? I'm begging you to rediscover your roots and go back to what made you so awesome but in the meantime, I dont want to hear it.
You've changed man, you've changed, go eff yourself,
You have sung/talked some of the sexiest r&b songs ever put to track. Your lyrics speak to both the penis and the vagina as you paint a picture of erotic, nastiness with every word. Your prowess and vision when filming music videos continues to transcend what is real...taking the viewer into "your world" if only for a few minutes. Despite the fact that your reality often times deals with the illegal side of romantic relations I cannot get enough of the world that is your music. From your early hits on your first solo album Play 12 to I Believe I Can Fly, Ignition, Ima Flirt and Same Girl as well as the excellent remixes that followed, I have been a fan and I'm certainly not a fan in the closet...I'm proud of it. Speaking of closets Robert, I would really like to address your series Trapped in a Closet: 1-5. I recall a late night back in college, the evening had ended for many...at which point I decided to mellow out while watching some music videos on demand. What I came across in my search, dear Robert, was your coup de grace, your masterpiece. It was as if your pied pipe was calling out to my ears as you belted the passionate Hip-Hopera that is "Trapped in a Closet." As one scene led to the next and the situation escalated I found myself shirtless, seated on the end of my bed,chain smoking cigarettes. First your trapped in a closet, then "he looked at the closet, he opened the closet" and you "pulled out your Beretta". A sensible move no doubt dear Robert but why didn't you just walk out of the apartment and be on your way? Duh, because that would be a lame hip-hopera. So you do the damn thing and watch as the reverend and his wifey air out dirty laundry....and it turns out he's got a surprise for us all...in the form of a man lover...ohhhhhhh snap, its on now. As the plot thickens and things heat up I dare not disgrace your work with mere words...so, here is the full 1-5 series below to explain just what happens, the words you sing/speak and the emotions they evoke are no doubt, felt by all.
Scrumtralescent is the only word that comes to mind as the 5th installment comes to a close and "holy shit you have to be kidding me" was the phrase I yelped when I soon realized there are 15 more installments in your Trapped In A Closet hip-hopera. I cannot wait to curl up with a large tub of ice cream, a pack of cigarettes, a box of tissues and my Beretta as I prepare to delve even deeper into your wonderful world. In the mean time Robert, I ask that you behave yourself. Urinating on young "tricks", getting mocked about doo doo butter, causing conflict on tour with other artists, all that should stop...but then again, that's the amazing shit that leaves us all longing for more.
"It's the remix to ignition, hot and fresh out the kitchen, momma rolling that body got errvryone in here wishing"
Play on playa and keep steppin in the name of love,
How's it going? I like you. I know I know, it's a little chilly in the beginning of you, but you warm up. You're pretty damp too, but that's ok, I'll risk some damp days for some colorful foliage throughout the summer. You definately bring optimism to the table, that warm weather is coming, and I like that. Eff March. You've got it going on. You're the month that makes clothes skimpy, you're the month that sets libido's flying, and the month that lets people start getting drunk outside. For all of these reasons I love you. Few months can rival what you bring to the table for the first 19 days of your existence, you pretty much rule. But guess what? You become an effing monster on the 20th. You step your game up to new levels. Yes, the 20th is the day where all things come together. It's like when Jordan found Pippen, or when milk chocolate decided to have a 4 way with nougat, peanuts and caramel...yes, April is when great things find eachother to become greater.
Well optimism of warm weather, meet marijuana. Today, the 20th day of April, these 2 things will be celebrated in perfect harmony. A day when stoners and squares alike set aside their differences to indulge in the forbidden fruit that is cannibus. People may celebrate differently but the overall message is the same, have fun, be easy, and just chill the eff out. So even if it's cloudy outside dont hesitate making it a little cloudy inside. Grab some nachos, warm up the Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVD's and prepare to giggle like a 2 year old who just pooped his pants. Whether you're in college skipping class or in your Mid-40's smoking that grass enjoy yourselves because the suns out longer, the weathers getting nicer and you're high as shit.
AAARGH, I get it, you have total shit for opportunity in your homeland. As a result you intend to find your fortunes on the high seas hijacking giant cargo ships and attempting to get ransom for the contents and sailors who are aboard. I am accepting of this basic formula because it is a modernized version of the "Old School" pirating ways....Going after anyone who has shit that can then become your shit...novel idea really. Where I really hold my gripes though, Somalis, is in the rest of your Pirate game...its weak at best and I won't stand for it any longer. Consider this letter a crash course in pirating called "Arrrrgh, Being a Pirate 101"
Lesson One: Dressing like a Pirate.
A Pirate is a scoundrel and a scallywag and he dresses like one. Note the large pirate hat, long flowing pirate hair, pirate jewels from his vast booty, a swashbuckler's sword and a cape. If you are a hard core pirate and have lost a leg to a cannon ball, a hand to an alligator or an eye in a knife fight, not to worry, there are plenty of cool Pirate accessories that will not only make life with such injuries more adaptable but also enhance your Pirate persona and image as well.
leg to cannon ball= peg leg...this says you've been around the block and aren't afraid to get hit in the leg with a cannon ball...ballsy indeed
hand to an alligator- hook hand...this says step aside Steve Irwin, i fox with gators on the reg.
eye in a knife fight- eye patch...this says...yeah i have one eye and I'm about to take yours
You jackasses on the other hand do not look piratey at all in your sweat shirts and head wraps and tattered pants...where is the creative value in your craft Somalis? What's with your shades man, is that an attempt at a double eye patch? Are you to good for a talking parrot? Are you holding an Effing walky talky man...what happend to a good old fashion "Ahoy matey"?
The second part of this lesson deals with your "piratey things."
Lesson Two: Uh, Get your Pirate On!
Ships- You have beat ass boats that look like you went to a scrap yard and bolted pieces of sheet metal together. Would it kill you to build a nice solid wooden ship with skulls on the mast and a mermaid carved into the head of the ship...no, no it wouldn't.
Weapons- grenade launchers, ak's and bazookas are not very piratey and depsite your ability to modernize the ways of a pirate I will not tolerate such shenanigans. You guys should have pistols, cannons facing off on each side of the ship and swords with gold hand protectors. How can I take you seriously as a pirate when you're coming out guns blazing like Iraqi insurgents?...the answer is, I cannot.
Treasure- You guys are going after massive effing cargo ships and attempting to hold them ransom...while i acknowledge holding people for ransom as a "piratey thing" I cannot accept the lack of "plank walking", putting people in boxes with scorpions and the general lack of treasure chests...no X marks the spot? you gotta be kidding me.
Here is an instructional video I made for you to reference some of the issues discussed in this lesson.
Open letter to Matthew McConaughey...to be read in his voice
Dear Matthew,
Let me start by saying I do not hate you. On many levels I am envious of your super hot wife/gf/baby momma, your bank accounts and your beach ready physique (i could have the same if i tried). I am not and have never been, however, a fan of your Rom Com shit genre films. Clap, Clap, you've truly found your niche. You make horrible films with hot Hollywood leading ladies that involve little more than you being an immature, successful bachelor, in search of the woman who will finally tame you. Often times your plots involve bets, or games of chance in which you will plunge competitively into an affair with a "tough minded" damsel...along the way finding true love, losing it due to stubborn ways and then regaining what was lost in a closing make out scene along a pier, sun drenched beach or hoakie down south bar. It would be interesting to see where your career would have headed if you would have continued to select movies with depth, more along the lines of A Time To Kill, a film I found you to be excellent in. Alas, this is not the case and your latest film, "Ghost of Girlfriends Past" is evidence of this. It seems you have wooed Jennifer Garner (hot but has big ears) into your latest love web. In this film you will have a "Scrooge-esque" experience in which you travel back in time to view just how big a Douche Scrote you were to your ex girlfriends, all the while having your aged perspective to gaze back and realize the mistakes you made, the women you loved and lost. I hope there will be a "tiny tim" like character to remind you of your blessings and show you the lighted path as you attempt to regain "the one who got away".....
Holy shit...its as if lightening struck as I was drafting this letter. I have already mentioned that I do not hate you but, rather I hate your movies...now as I break them down, I find that you really do have it figured out. Your characters are living the lives many men would kill for, you make shit rom com movies that girls and some people like, you nail hot chicks in said movies, lived in an astro van by the beach, workout with lance armstrong, crush a super hottie, play bongos naked while smoking pot and you're turbo rich....Matthew, I apologize...If having the Hollywood life figured out counts for anything, you're pretty much the man.
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