Open Letter To Katy Perry: We Have Both Kissed Girls and Liked It

Dear Katy,

I'm writing to you for a very specific reason. I was recently asked point blank, "do you like katy perry?" Initially I stuttered and found myself lacking any opinion and truly at a loss for words (a phenomenon that rarely occurs). I was informed that the debate over you and your music had created a divide amongst four siblings and in the course of said debate, two pro "katyperriers" made the argument that i would like you. It would seem a statement such as that would end any debate whatsoever. I have, for the last 5 years, been considered the pre-eminent scholar on all things "YOU" and so we now stand at this fateful crossroads. "Do I effing like you?" Discuss!

Well Katy I feel it's best to start with the beginning...much like the bible and any good book, it's crucial to absorb the entirety of the situation before making any full fledged commitments or offerings of support.

You came out the blocks with the hot, edgy, not, not Lesbo ballad "i Kissed a girl and i liked it."




A creative marketing ploy to say the least. This song put you out there as someone who was fresh and fearless when it came to speaking your mind/deep soul kissing same sex individuals. I could instantly relate to the lyrics as they pumped aggressively in my mode of transportation. I felt a bond building as I realized I have also kissed (a) girls and I also liked it. I mean OmEFFG Katy...did you just say "Jon Stamos?" because i think we just became best friends.
NOT SO EFFING FAST!

Your next song "hot and cold" sucked...it sounded much like your debut, the above mentioned track, and demonstrated a "boxed" Hollywood lack of creativity. If I'm feeling hot and that song comes on I am instantly cold. If I had been fist pumping pre-that song coming on I am almost immediately disinterested and it's highly probable I've gone to "secretly" throw up in the bathroom.

As it stands after two songs the score is 1 to 1. HMMM, let's dig a little deeper.

I want to be very clear that as I now write this I am blasting a 4 song play list containing nothing but you're music. It's both research and inspiration...maybe a little weak spot for top 40's pop music on the side as well.

The collaboration you and Timbaland put out, "if we ever meet again" in late spring/early summer of 2010 is easily my bottom bitch( for those who don't know...this means my top money earner if I happened to be a pimp..it's a good thing) where you and your body of work is concerned. I have danced to this song fully clothed and fully lacking clothes. I have fist pumped to the moon and back while enjoying this song. HOWEVER, it's a Timbaland track and that essentially guarantees success. Moreso, It's him featuring you and not you featuring him...another one bites the dust. I can in no way knock this song but I can't in good conscience give you the points on this one.

The score now stands at 1 for and 2 against.

Last but not least is your latest release. "Fireworks" will be the deciding factor in this super hot, pop cultural debate. I realize there is an even number of songs being judged and as such the possibility of a tie is in the cards...however, a tie is a loss in this game and a side/opinion/last word will be given.

As i now bop my head to and fro to the beat of "fireworks" I feel desperately unsure of myself. I "semi-heart" the inspiring mantra the song promotes. I have often imagined myself as a firework blasting across the sky...etc and as such I am unable to say "i don't like that song." However, this song, much like "hot and cold" lacks any effort. For that reason alone I am forced to score another one against you. This leaves the final tally at 1-3.

As a doctor and as a friend/potential follower on twitter/aspiring 27 year old not not teen pop artist, I feel compelled to offer you my diagnosis and a prescription to get you back on track.

Step outside the effing box with your beats and catchy lyrics. Take a break from this pre-packaged "jumpy mcJam Jam" shenanigans and explore your more creative sides (if they do in fact exist). If you could find it within yourself to revert back to the edgy/counter cult/betty page looking Katy Perry who not only kissed girls but kissed them and liked it I assure you there will be success in your future. It might also be beneficial for you to consult your husband Russell Brand. He's "like totally hilarious" as far as im concerned and he always provides ridiculous hits via his alter ego Aldus Snow in the movies he appears. As he sings, "inside you," is where you need to be looking.

In conclusion, and upon thorough review of your 4 more popular songs, I have "kissed your music, and i did not like it" and I'm a firm believer in the power of a kiss.

REgardless:



as a side note...this video makes abso-effin-lutley no sense to me. I mean jewel thiefs? Is that the asian chick from wayne's world? I thought this song was about running into a past love not jacking a sweet old ladies "family jewels."