Fast and Furious: Seriously?

Begin Rant-

Ok SlowEffers, I think its time we put a stop to this string of shit, car racing films that play with the formula of "Good Cop meets Bad Guy, so lets effing race on abandoned highways and in dark industrial alleys, while we develop relationships, trust and love those who are forbidden, all in the presence of guns, engines, massive explosions and special effects" kind of thing.

First, let me start by saying that I have not viewed any of this shit franchises films...I do not have an intake, an exhaust tip, a sports package, neon lights, wind fins, Nitrous turbo kit, tachometers, didgeridoos or digerydonts...i do have a super fast Audi with a V8 4.2 L though, so shhhhlob on my knob.

The following is my loose interpretation of the story lines that unfold for the awful Fast and Furious series. Grammar rules are thrown out the window and proper sentence structure is at times raped. The message, I pray, is conveyed clearly...somewhat clearly at least.

As far as I can tell here's the way it works.

Fast and the Furious- Bad guy with little sister and girlfriend doing bad things, run into undercover good guy who pretends to want involvement in said bad things. Good guy gets in over his head with bad things, falls for bad guys little sister, races bad guy, has sweet car, wins, bad guy likes, trusts, then bad guy realizes at the end good guy is not bad but actually good...more racing, plot thickens...I've just hung myself by the rafters.




Next up, 2 Fast 2 Furious- Now things are extra fast and extra furious, one might even say 2 furious...hahah, I've made myself laugh....but seriously, back to the plot I envision. Now we've got the same players but slightly different circumstances...backs were stabbed and hearts were broken in the first movie and these story lines need to be tied up. Enter super male model Tyrese and a rapper turned actor...Get Back Get Back Y'all Don't Know Me Like That...Hiyo Ludacris, I can't wait to hear the urban dialogue you'll provide all while introducing an additional car squad to the game...I imagine they are Asians becaaaaaaaaaause...

Next Stop is Tokyo- in keeping with the rap theme lets call Lil Bow Wow and see if he's available to star in a "bound to suck" feature film about an edgy, new wave asian style of racing called drifting. sweet, now everyone is going on very curved roads and pulling the effing E brake...sounds like a snow day in high school ya effin dorks...I imagine at some point a samurai fight breaks out and there is a difficult to breach language barrier that only temporarily holds back the main love plot in the storyline. I also imagine there is sushi, a chop stick fight and soy sauce fueling the turbo fast Honda's and Mitsubishi's.

Annnd now we come to the 4th installment of suck. Based on the trailers it seems "these guys already know each other"....no shit, its the 4th effing film. I can only imagine the cars are faster than ever, the driving is the most furious we've seen and Vin Diesel has more pre knock out punch lines than a bouncer at McFaddens. The girls are still hot and edgy and the same can be said for pretty boy Paul Walker as they drive the latest "2 EFF 2 EFFious" movie straight over the guard rail....i will not be calling roadside assistance.

I want to kick Vin Diesel in his short stack...if it weren't for his redeeming role in Chronicles of Riddick (i know, I'm not sure why the eff i like it either)...but that doesn't get him off the suck hook. As for you Mr. Paul Walker, my hetero man crush on you has run deep since the days of Varsity Blues...I wanted to be you man, and now...now I'm just upset looking at what your career has become...doo doo. To the ladies, Michelle and Jordana, you look good, seriously...that is all.

Everyone should do themselves a favor and NOT go to this film...also, obey the law of the road and wear seat belts.

End Rant

I leave you with this

An Open Letter to dcsleez.com, the "Perez Hilton" of DC

Dear dcsleez.com,

Apologies if we've never heard of your website, it is both out of our demographic range and interest levels. We did, however, manage to do a little background research through some associates from the Metro-DC region after you insisted on taking some jabs. First let us start by saying you guys seem to be running a legitimate blog, one with lots of great information and insightful observations from the District, where as ours is a hobby that we contribute to in our down time. That being said, since you guys are trying to be a legitimate blog I polled some of our contacts in the region to get the scoop on dcsleez.com. Unfortunately, only about 2-3 of the 25 or so people I asked had even heard of your "kind of funny site," that "tries to be the Perez Hilton of DC." Ouch. So excuse me if there is a lack of dirt we can bring to the table. What we can do, however, is use your site's content as fodder itself. From an initial scan, your site delivers weak commentary on the weakest city on the East Coast, and that's fine, because thats what you guys have set out to do. We blog on our interests, whether that be TV, current events, or food that looks like poop served in toilets. And please dont comment on how you may have generated traffic on our site, we dont want your attention, and we don't care about the numbers. Oh yeah, one more thing, dchino is actually operated by a longtime friend of sloweff, who I'm sure is going to offer up his own retort on the situation. Of course there was ill will passed back and forth between our 2 blogs, but that's what a blog-off is, and we don't need to tell you that, you've already drummed up petty disputes when you cant find anything to write about in your blogs past. At the end of the day dchino and sloweff are closer because of our blog off, and now, thanks to you, we've found something else to hate. So keep pretending on being important, keep calling out blogs to help find something to write about, and keep being the arrogant stereotypical cardigan-wearing, collar-popping douchebags that DC is known for, go eff yourself.

-Slow Eff Squad


PS: People that say they party harder normally dont know how to party at all.


PPS: If you guys are trying to find something to post, just write about how you won the Super Bowl.