I Want to Share My Sweet Chili Sauce With You

Eff SATC2, the most anticipated sequel of the year premiered last week during the 2010 Olympic Winter Games. As you may or may not recall, back in December of 2008 we learned of one of the most delicious love triangles in the history of time. In short, this woman felt the need to flaunt her affinity for juicy, tender pieces of love in front of her smooth singing jilted lover. After much speculation of "Dippin" on him, our forlorned songster finally confirms that his stingy boo has been enjoying another's savory 100% all white meat and not letting him in on any of the action.

Well, good news, after a year of seemingly intense couples therapy, it seems as though the C has finally learned how to share. In an upbeat, more rhythimc chapter of this spicy love story, nay sweet and spicy love story, the woman returns- this time, with enough to satisfy her hungry mans.

Is 7 Inches Enough to Blow Your Mind?

In what seems to be an erotic pattern forming, Burger King's new Super Seven Incher sandwich was intended to "blow your mind away" and "fill your desire for something long, juicy [and flame grilled]". But apparently all it's done is start a sexy uproar over it's naughty print advertisement in Singapore.

Seems that some think the ad is "outlandish", going so far as saying "the American cheese on the sandwich seemed a little too white." Now that's outlandish… actually no, that's mayonnaise. But while Americans are scrambling to cover their PC asses in a last ditch effort to not piss off every country, Singaporeans like the campaign and apparently the 7 inches of flame grilled juicy goodness that comes with it. That's what she said. Might I remind you that this is Singapore we're talking about.

Coolest Burger Ever

This is easily the coolest burger ever


Made to look like the Nike Air Max 90...yummy

Oh NO!

Yesterday a Slim Jim factory in Garner, North Carolina exploded unexpectedly leaving stoners and road trippers scrambling for a new munchie alternative. Word is still out on whether the damage will effect the distribution of the Dr's beloved long style tobasco flavored stick.

Also an excuse to post this:

Crawdadders

Here at sloweff we love being fat kids and stuffing our face with varieties of delicious platters. So this week we will be discussing in short the amazing Cajun delicacy, the crayfish or crawdaddy if you will. The season runs from about March-June in Louisiana and what a season it is. This deliciously spicy freshwater shellfish makes for a great time. I was able to rekindle my love for these little guys at a local Cajun themed bar called Oddfellas on Tuesday night.

This guy went down!!!

Not only are they tasty and spicy, but attacking the meat is half the fun.

Three steps:
1) You twist the crayfish's tail from his head.
2) Pull off the top scale by the tail meat
3) Then push the meat out the tail and into your mouth!

As you rifle through them, you get better a creating perfect pieces of meat. Crayfish are supplemented by equally spicy corn, potatoes, or sausage and washing them down with a cool Hurricane or Corona is highly recommended. You can be like me and ravage the platter until there are none left to then chug you respective drink or pace yourself, the choice is yours. They usually run about $9 a pound and I suggest all of you research a Cajun themed bar (or come to Oddfellas), find some friends, and stuff you face with lbs. of crawdaddys.

OMG OMG OMFG: Scanwiches

http://scanwiches.com/

http://scanwiches.com/

http://scanwiches.com/

Do you like sandwiches? Do you like salivating? Do you like j'ing in your p's? Well the geniuses at http://scanwiches.com/ have come up with what is probably one of the Top 5 best sites on the internet right now. Using an ingenious technology, these clever SOB's scan sandwich halves to titillate our taste buds and make us yearn for a delicious combination of meat, cheese, and all the other accoutrement's that makes a sandwich a sandwich. Hat's off to scanwiches, you guys are revolutionaries.

Calling All Effers

Recently a fan of Eff sent us this mobile image taken from an airport and demanded that we review this gluttonous product for Fat Kids Paradise. If any of you have seen said fry-flavored potato snacks in the metro-NY area please let us know of a location so we can try these most-likely delcious chips. Also, if you have something you would like us to review for the paradise, feel free to leave a comment or click the "Eff Us Up" link at the bottom of the page.

PS- Speaking of chips...the sloweff squad consumed a record amount of potato chips this weekend. Just wanted to let you know.

Dominos Bread Bowl Pasta: An Adventure Through Fat Kid Heaven

Recently after several requests, the Dr. and I (along with 2 other Friends of Eff) decided that it would be in our blogs best interest to give our followers a glimpse into the fatty world of Domino's new Bread Bowl Pasta dishes. Following the lead of such hits like the Dunkin Donuts Waffle Sandwich and Baconnaise, we jumped all into the adventure, supplementing our $72 meal with 2 large thin crusts, chicken kickers, and cinna stix. Even though it sounded like a large order, the food would ultimately quiver in the shadows of our massive appetites. We both chose to go with the Chicken Carbonera Bowl:
a sexy melange of chicken, bacon, and creamy Alfredo sauce. Our first hurdle was how to attack this massive beast that weighs about 5-7lbs, by hand or with formal cutlery? The Dr went hand first, where I chose the latter- but we would be flip flopping throughout the meal. Both proved effective, and both reaped their benefits. As we were fist deep in the behemoth we couldn't help to smile like a fat kid in a candy store because our guilty pleasures were being titillated. We had to pace ourselves, for this was a marathon, not a sprint.

Our assessments were fair. The dish was good and could have used a little more sauce, but all in all a great meal and filling to say the least. Let me get this clear, this is simply a Sunday Evening Belly Buster and is by no means a substitute for a good pasta dish- and if you know this going in you will be more than satisfied. All in all this dish gets a solid 3 out of 4 effs on the Fat Kid Meter.

Baconnaise...OM EFF G: "Because Everything Tastes Better With Bacon"

Last Thursday night Dr. SlowEff and The Honorable Eff Jats were workin it at our weekly improv class when a fellow classmate shouted out a topic to be discussed in an exercise...that topic you ask? BACONNAISE- that's right mother effers, bacon flavored mayonaise is a real deal product and I cannot wait to hunt it down, stab...I mean spread it and eat it on just about everything. Not only is there BACONNAISE, but there is also BACONNAISE LITE, Bacon Salts, Lip Balms, and seasoning rubs all in the name and taste of BACON. A completely genius idea. Take two things that every red blooded american loves, mayo and bacon, breed them and out pops little baby baconnaise. Talk about fat kid paradise, you're telling me i can now make every sandwich taste like bacon with or without bacon.

With a revolutionary new product out there on the market, here are a few issues that I believe will be affected by Baconnaise.

War: how could anyone fight eachother when they are able to spread baconnaise on their sandwiches? Or, will baconnaise be coveted and fought over much like diamonds and oil?

Famine- Baconnaise could feed villages in africa i bet....I also bet, if consumed in large quantity it will stop hearts everywhere.

Disease- if you spread baconnaise on your wounds they heal and if you have a terminal illness, just eat baconnaise and poooof, gone are the tumors and sickness. As a Doctor I stand by this statement...pretty sure it "could" be true?

Economy- Baconnaise would probably create an entirely new sector of the commodities exchange with people trading in bacon bits, bacon salts and baconnaise rather than dollars and shares...I'll take 25,000 bacon bits of baconnaise stat.

Gun Control- Baconnaise would prevent people from holding guns because everyone's hands would be greased up with baconnaise. It may also lead to baconnaise fiends commiting more gun related crimes in attempts to get their fix.

J'ing O - eff the expensive moisturizers, lube it up with some baconnaise....or maybe just stick with moisturizers.

Sports- Clearly Nascar should have a baconnaise car sponsored and Golf should have the Baconnaise Open penciled into the tour schedule as well.

Politics- I sure hope this product will make parties on both sides of the aisle find common ground for the common good. Hell, Barack Obama is almost like Political Baconnaise, bringing all parties to the table to spread the goodness around.

I'll stop there...you get the picture and its tasty as hell.
Here is the link to the official founding site...visit for more info or to buy the baconnaise asap.
http://www.jdfoods.net/ourstory.php

How to be a Fat Ass on 420

The use of marijuana will often be coupled with the abuse of all types of food products. Combinations will take place as creative thought takes hold in the kitchen, the grocery store or maybe just the bodega down the street...the results are often amazing, mind blowing concoctions of seriously stupid sustenance. I have pretty much been thinking about food since I boarded the train this morning and when I later realized, "oh shit, its 420" my mind began to race, the food possibilities are endless on a day like this.

I recall many fond memories back in high school in my parents kitchen and on through college and beyond when I entered into a super high culinary dojo and shit went down. Salsa met ranch and chip dipping was never the same...hot sauce and deli ham draped tombstone pizzas... pickles, lebanon bologna and Orange juice were my go to... slim jims, Arizona energy drinks and bags of those Frito flavor twists littered my car and 4 cereals often joined to fill one fantastic bowl...it all tasted awesome and its all part of the fun. Here is a list of great 420 Fatty McFat Kid moves to help satisfy your "munchies" maaan.


Dirty Chinese Food- lo mein, egg rolls, general tsos, sesame chicken, sweet and sour chicken, gallons of soy sauce, duck sauce, terayaki...you name it you eat it.

McDonald's- get one of every value meal and cut each sandwich in half...make them put all the fries in a bag and ask for a bottle of ketchup. Sit in the corner of the restaurant with sunglasses still on...eat until its gone or you freak out.

Mass order from a pizza place- Papa Johns, Pizza Hut, Domino's,it doesn't matter where just make sure to severely over order...that means, pizzas, cheesy bread, wings, boneless wings, multiple types of pizza etc.

Go to an "actual" pizza place and get any number of different types of slices...its about having options on days like these.

Go to a Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins Combo shop and order milkshakes and a dozen donuts.

Dozens of Wings...nuff said

Get creative and make chili, dips, grill burgers, hot dogs, chicken,ribs...cover them in whatever, grill, recover them in anything and then eat.

Grocery Store trip in which everything you want you buy...go home, unload and attack. Blocks of cheese, frozen dinners, frozen pizzas, chicken nuggets, shrimp, gallons of soda, hummus spread, boxes of wheat thins, pickles etc...

Head to the local bodega and just buy shit...lots of random shit. Slim jims, candy bars, chips and dip, honey buns, dunking sticks, funyuns, Doooooooritos, orange soda, dr. pepper, snapples, frozen snickers ice cream bars...it just goes on and on.

It's ok to be a Fat Eff on days like these so take advantage...hopefully this list will provide you with much needed guidance as you navigate your options today.

Lego My Eggo... So I Can Make A Sweet Sandwich

Dunkin Donuts makes my knees buckle. I work across the street from one and up until about two months ago I lived, essentially, above one. Dangerous waters for a closet fat kiddy to be swimming around. I've had to exercise serious restraint for fear my already notable double chin would droop to uncool levels.

Two weeks ago Dunkin Donuts hit me below the belt when they began advertising/selling a new breed of sandwich. A hybrid of waffle, and the traditional dressings of bacon/sausage + egg + cheese = a staple breakfast food on effin HGH, and Steroids and shit. I was able to hold off and avoid endulging in this glutonous Roidwich until yesterday when I awoke knowing what it was I had to do. I had to eat this sandwich and then I had to write about the tasty experience...fat kid justification = "I ate it for my blog."
The timeline of my morning leading up to this foodgasm is as follows:

10am- awake and read bbm's referring to the waffle sandwich from The Honorable Eff Jats.
10:03am- in less words, I explain that this is a solo mission and I'll be going it alone
10:04- Eff Jats says "nooooooooooooo"
10:10- I have located the closest Dunkin Donuts and am en route with my lady and her friend, who i asked to come along for moral support.
10:17- I arrive and quiver as I have never been to a fully loaded Dunkin Donuts with the full compliment of subs, breakfast sandwiches, donuts, coffe and Baskin Robbins all lined up...(will be discussed in addendum to this post)
10:21- I force myself to refocus after the system overload and I navigate the menu for my waffle based prize.
10:22- I have ordered and await the arrival of my sandwich. In this time we discuss the pros and cons for sitting and eating there. We decide to eat there...i couldn't wait through the walk home with a sandwich in my hand.
10:25- I am sitting down at the table...It's On

I was initially suprised that the waffles were softer, more like bread I would say. I was expecting it to be more crisp like the Eggo's I knew and loved as a child. However, the "firmness" did not compromise the taste of the sandwich, in fact, it enhanced it. Each bite had excellent consistency and the waffle held together like a true sandwich should. I truly enjoyed every bite of the waffle sandwich and would recommend it to even the skinniest of people. Grade- A-
My mouth + waffle sandwich = fat kid paradise

Ghetto Mamma Nugget Drama

When a 10 piece nugget purchase goes wrong Latreasa L. Goodman does not keeps it real...she just calls 911.
Goodman called 911 three separate times when she was told by a McDonald's cashier that "there are no more nuggets". Normally this would not be a problem and Ms. Goodman could simply order something else, however, it turns out Ms. Goodman had already paid for her 10 piece yo and not delivering on that just ain't coo. So while it was McDonalds who Effed up, it was Ms. Latreasa L. Goodman, scorned nugget purchasing patron, who did the Effing.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,504125,00.html

Don't mess with a "Pigeon" who wants her chicken nuggets Micky D's...or the cops get called and shit hits the fan.

CheeeeeeeeesesSteaks

I Effing lofve Cheesesteaks. Any way you put it i cannot get enough of that simple steak, cheese and roll triple threat. You name the occasion, I eat the cheesesteak. Breakfast...Check, lunch...Check, late afternoon snack...check, dinner...check, pre bar...check, post bar...check, won something...check, lost something...check, just had sex...check, just got dumped...check. It's basically my fail proof, number one stunna of a meal.

Many people will say that the best Cheesesteaks are from Philadelphia. While I would never argue with the famous cheesesteak heavens that are Gino's and Pat's of south philly...



I personally believe the best kept cheesesteak secret rests in Carlisle, PA. Miseno's of Carlisle nails the cheesesteak...like yum, yum, yum. Perfect roll, finely chopped steak, perfectly melted with two to three slices of cheese and your choice of toppings...lettuce, tomato, mayo or onions, peppers, sauce...either way its effing awesome. When I sink my teeth into one of these babies im in Fat Kids Paradise

Has McDonalds Gone Too Far?

In a recent perverted marketing ploy sure to grab your attention, McDonalds has turned to a more "in your face" method of selling their food. On print ads in the store, as well as on bags and food wrappers, it seems the fast food juggernaut has taken a sticky page out of the X-rated industry’s book when coming up with one-liners such as “100% Beefy, Satisfaction x 2”, “Beefy Score”, and my personal favorite “YOU WANT SAUSAGE? YOU GOT SAUSAGE”. Is the chain simply trying to grab your attention, or grab something else? We’ll let you decide, but for now, I’d keep the kids away from their Happy Meal.



Something about "el doble de sabrosura" gets my motor running



That's what she said



You want fries with that?