An Open Letter to the UPS Guy

Hey UPS guy-

Its over, give it up. Your once informative ads have turned from soothing to annoying. At first I was lured like a moth to light to by a dynamic combination of meticulous white board illustrating and concise explanations. I thought to myself "wow, not only can this guy draw really well, he can also tell me how to efficiently handle my small business's shipping needs at the same time." The sort of qualities you admire and expect out of a college professor. In fact, if I didn't know any better I'd say that guy definitely wears blazers with leather patches on the sleeves. To top it all off, The Postal Service's "Such Great Heights" and it's beepy-boppy beat was stuck in my head for days and days after first hearing it. Ohhhh, I get it, Postal Service/UPS, both send things...wow, you guys have really got this whole marketing formula down.

All was well in UPS land, for a solid year or 2, but you know what got me? No, it wasn't your froofy she-mullet akin to a recent Open Letter recipient. No, It was when you sold out. It was when I knew you were a fraud. Remember when your favorite baseball player tested positive for steroids? That's how I felt when I learned that the professor was no more than a pawn for a corporation that had as much integrity as Bernie Madoff. You see, I always wondered how he could draw so precisely while talking about my shipping needs, I didn't want to believe that it was fake and all digitally enhanced, so I continued to hold out hope. Then UPS did it, they confirmed my fears by making the Professors drawings suddenly animate. How could this happen? Is nothing sacred? Is there anything in this world that isn't enhanced by a GD computer? You're telling me that you marketing whizzes, the clever bastards that made the deep connection between UPS and The Postal Service, couldn't find some guy that could create amazing drawings and talk at the same time? Eff you UPS, and as for you Professor, I thought you were better than that. You changed mullet guy, you changed man....go eff yourself.

-Eff Jats