Meeeeoowww

2009's Fall classic is no longer exclusive to (base)balls and wood(en bats)... Although they'll also be in attendance. That's right, the masterminds who brought us the Lingerie Bowl did what Snoop said and stepped their game up, forming the 10-team Lingerie Football League (LFL). Since I have a pulse, I had to check this out. Much like the ZogSports touch-football set up, the field is short, there's only one lineman and there are no field goals. But to encourage an actual fan-base outside of the hung-over-but-supportive boyfriend, the LFL has pushed the limits, giving these chicks shoulder pads and hockey helmets so nobody gets hurt when they two-hand touch each other into the turf wearing less than the standard cheerleading outfit.

All in all, an A+ operation. My only concern is the cities they've chosen. Miami, San Diego, Dallas... All natural selections; it's warm pretty much all year round, who wouldn't want to play here. But Denver? New England? Chicago?? These aggressive exhibitionists are playing through January, which in case you're unaware, are NOT traditionally warm months, especially in these icebox cities. Maybe it's being played in doors? Well best of luck to those ladies, but you can kiss my ass if you think I'd go play tackle football in tightie whities on anything but grass; I don't care if they have the rubberized field turf, plastic grass and shredded car tires cannot be good the epidermis. Being from the NY/NJ area, I was completely steamed that my girls got no love, but considering the alternative, I'll take my peaches with their skin, bruise free. To check out team bios and uniforms identical to their NFL male counterparts, check out http://www.lflus.com/. Or if you prefer, check out the steamy lawsuit filed by Tampa's rookie LB Melissa Berry here http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,473528,00.html From all of us at Sloweff, we wish Melissa the best of luck and that the evidence of the case be made public so that we may also weigh in with our opinion.

Slamdemic

While the rest of the nation S their Ps over Spider Pig and his Swine flu, rednecks are in heated debate over their beloved Talladega Superspeedway. First, let me drop some knowledge on you: A Boeing 747, which seats 403 people, takes off at a speed of 165 MPH. "Awesome Bill from Dawsonville" Bill Elliott holds the record of the fasted lap at 212 MPH. That was 22 years ago. Monday morning, people are now saying it's "too fast"...
Thanks Mr. Wizard. Let's break this down: it's a SUPER SPEED WAY, of course it's gonna be fast. If it wasn't, they'd call it I-95. "Dangerous" is another term being thrown around, both for the drivers and the fans. Sitting 10 feet away from a pack of wingless airplanes with only a wire fence to save you could also be considered dangerous. Maybe the danger comes when the drivers "bump draft" each other, or as we call it in the real world, "rear-ending the guy ahead of you". Personally, I think if Carl Edwards would stop trying to moon-walk his car over the finish line we'd all be better for it.

Further Proof That Auto Tuners Make Anything Sound Better:

Oink Oink: Swine Flu Sweeping City

Whoever effed that pig deserves a serious kick in the balls. In the most recent case of "disease that we should kinda be scared about but probably wont amount to that much," (See: SARS, Hoof and Mouth, Mad Cow, West-Nile, etc) it seems as though a mutated pig virus has SOMEHOW made the hop from pig to human. For those of you not learned up on this outbreak, cnn.com describes this illness as "Swine influenza, or flu, is a contagious respiratory disease that affects pigs. It is caused by a type-A influenza virus. Outbreaks in pigs occur year-round. The current strain is a new variation of an H1N1 virus, which is a mix of human and animal versions...The symptoms are similar to the common flu. They include fever, lethargy, lack of appetite, coughing, runny nose, sore throat, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea" The case is spreading rapidly throughout a private school in New York City. Apparently students who recently Spring Breaked, (Spring Broke?) in Mexico are suspected to have brought the virus back to the states, rapidly infecting their classmates. Now this is what I would like to know: How hard were these guys partying? I've been on spring break in Mexico and I've seen some crazy shit, but what the hell could they have been getting into that caused them to contract an animal to animal influenza virus? Did they consume undercooked meat? Unlikely. My guess is that one of these teens made out with a pig at the very least, but I wouldn't bet against a trip to third base. Keep an eye out for sick people and stay away from the bacon.

An Open Letter to Kanye West

Dear Yeezy,

I’m sorry. I didn’t want to do this, but I’m left with no choice. You’ve gone from confident, to arrogant, to arrogantly obnoxious, completely obnoxious, to full blown psychopath. Seriously, your arrogance borders on psychosis. You said that if the Bible was rewritten that you'd be in it. I, like many other people, out there cannot figure you out at all. I know you’ve never been humble and always played the whole “nobody cared about me until I was in almost killed in a car wreck” card, which is fine. But what started as comical has gotten weird and tired. Take the video below for example, you’ve got that crazy look in your eyes, the look that says I don’t give an eff what I do because im the king of the world, which is evident because apparently you’ve changed your name from Kanye West to “Martin Louis The King Jr.”- completely normal.


You were a fashion icon, turning the hip hop world upside down by not sticking to the norms, by being confident enough to throw aside the FUBU and wear a pink polo shirt with a popped collar. But now you’ve just taken it a little to far. You have an afro-mullet, seriously? Take a look at the picture below, you cant just throw a bunch of wild ass shit together and call that being fashionable- Your entourage is more fabulous than the Village People.


Which leads me to why this rant started, your music. Your First 3 CD's (College Dropout, Late Registration, Graduation) are classics that feature hit after hit. I saw you kill it in a small gym 5 years ago before you blew up, I knew you were going to be big, and could only hope that you'd continue to dominate the game. You are a friggen musical prodigy, the music that you've made not only for yourself, but for others are classic songs. But I could tell in Graduation that something was happenning inside your head, something that I didn't want to hear. My fears were confirmed with "808's and Heartbreak." What is this? Why did you do this? I know you've been through a lot in the past year or so, but what? Trying to sing into a synthesizing voice box thing doesn't make you a singer. It makes you a bad singer thats singing into a synthesizing voice box thing. Since when did you sing? I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I purchased it on itunes, hoping and praying that there would be one scrap of decent music on it, but I was wrong. I'd been had by a psychotic, dillusional mullet wearing fraud. I get it, you want to evolve as an artist, next will be alt rock, then bluegrass, then who the hell knows, maybe some chamber music? I'm begging you to rediscover your roots and go back to what made you so awesome but in the meantime, I dont want to hear it.

You've changed man, you've changed, go eff yourself,

Eff Jats

Pantiezzzzzzzzzz

Does snoring prevent you and your loved ones from a restful night's sleep? Tired of buying those stupid breathe-right strips that don't do shit, or wearing a mouth guard to bed like you're 15 again and have braces? Well your problems are solved!

Introducing, your girlfriends panties!




That's right, that surprise article of clothing that's left after you wrestle her jeans off is all you need for a quality night sleep. Stop wasting your money on disposable pieces of tape or expensive mouth pieces that make you look like you're preping for 12 rounds with Mike Tyson and leave your girlfriends underwear on your head - you'll wake up feeling refreshed and looking like Ron Jeremy's stunt double.

Open Letter to R. Kelly: Im Trapped in Your Closet

My Dearest Robert Sylvester Kelly:

You have sung/talked some of the sexiest r&b songs ever put to track. Your lyrics speak to both the penis and the vagina as you paint a picture of erotic, nastiness with every word. Your prowess and vision when filming music videos continues to transcend what is real...taking the viewer into "your world" if only for a few minutes. Despite the fact that your reality often times deals with the illegal side of romantic relations I cannot get enough of the world that is your music. From your early hits on your first solo album Play 12 to I Believe I Can Fly, Ignition, Ima Flirt and Same Girl as well as the excellent remixes that followed, I have been a fan and I'm certainly not a fan in the closet...I'm proud of it. Speaking of closets Robert, I would really like to address your series Trapped in a Closet: 1-5. I recall a late night back in college, the evening had ended for many...at which point I decided to mellow out while watching some music videos on demand. What I came across in my search, dear Robert, was your coup de grace, your masterpiece. It was as if your pied pipe was calling out to my ears as you belted the passionate Hip-Hopera that is "Trapped in a Closet."
As one scene led to the next and the situation escalated I found myself shirtless, seated on the end of my bed,chain smoking cigarettes. First your trapped in a closet, then "he looked at the closet, he opened the closet" and you "pulled out your Beretta". A sensible move no doubt dear Robert but why didn't you just walk out of the apartment and be on your way? Duh, because that would be a lame hip-hopera. So you do the damn thing and watch as the reverend and his wifey air out dirty laundry....and it turns out he's got a surprise for us all...in the form of a man lover...ohhhhhhh snap, its on now. As the plot thickens and things heat up I dare not disgrace your work with mere words...so, here is the full 1-5 series below to explain just what happens, the words you sing/speak and the emotions they evoke are no doubt, felt by all.




Scrumtralescent is the only word that comes to mind as the 5th installment comes to a close and "holy shit you have to be kidding me" was the phrase I yelped when I soon realized there are 15 more installments in your Trapped In A Closet hip-hopera. I cannot wait to curl up with a large tub of ice cream, a pack of cigarettes, a box of tissues and my Beretta as I prepare to delve even deeper into your wonderful world. In the mean time Robert, I ask that you behave yourself. Urinating on young "tricks", getting mocked about doo doo butter, causing conflict on tour with other artists, all that should stop...but then again, that's the amazing shit that leaves us all longing for more.

"It's the remix to ignition, hot and fresh out the kitchen, momma rolling that body got errvryone in here wishing"

Play on playa and keep steppin in the name of love,

Dr. SlowEFF

Video/Eff Jam of the Day: Right Down the Line

This basement dwelling sicko will take you to a musical level you've yet to experience.

Beyonce? More like Eeeeee-yonce

In a recently uncovered audio track, Beyonce is heard shreiking through a microphone while performing outside for the Today show last fall. It seems celebrities sometimes choose to use a prerecorded track when "singing" in environments where acoustics aren't up to par. So, to make it look like they're actually singing, the artists do sing, however they sing badly, very badly, because they have a feed coming into their earpiece. This little chunk of heaven for all haters.




I AM SASHA....EFFED

Scorned by a loved one? Post an embarrassing ad on craiglist to drive the point home

It seems this hipster was on the wrong end of the break up stick when his former lover and GF gave him the boot for his friend. His response...sell a coffee table...the selling point you ask...he railed his ex girlfriend on said coffee table.


http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/fuo/1134590710.html

Self Defense Dorks: Video of the Day

These guys have mastered the art of self defense since their early years in grade school. Notable moves covered include, knee sweeps, takedowns with your glasses, proper choking defense techniques, how to pull hair to your advantage and ball flurries. My personal favorite falls in the section titled "Attacks From The Guard" where an attacker has knocked you to the ground and you spin in circles kicking like a little bitch in an attempt to thwart your opponent. Remember,the men demonstrating these maneuvers are highly trained dorks, the bald guy, the mustache and the other dude are professionals and certainly dorks not to be effed with. The scenarios they exhibit could happen to anyone, not just the dork, so please pay attention.

These two dudes should go eff themselves

In an attempt to set a Guinness Record for most texts sent in a month two douchebags decided to text eachother non stop. They totalled about 217,000 texts between the two of them with one of them receiving a bill for $26,000 delivered to him in a box that cost $27 to ship. Dr. SlowEff recommends they stop texting and more importantly, stop sucking at life. If you really want to get into Guinness I recommend you attempt to kill yourselves faster than anyone has ever done before.

Here is the link if you feel the need to read more about these effs.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517363,00.html

Is this the best 13 seconds in movie history?

For those of you who haven't seen the film, Samuel L Jackson goes on to fire a few rounds into the side of the planes fuselage, thus, "opening the f*ckin' windows" by ripping a gigantic hole in the plane, clearing the remaining motherf*cking snakes from the motherf*cking plane.

I dare someone to offer up a better clip

24 Recap: Tony's a Phony

Last night we learned what we were all hoping we wouldn’t: Anphony “Phony” Almeida is, in fact, a giant asshole. I was hoping against hope that this wasn’t the case, that he was only double whammying us into going deeper undercover but I’m pretty sure his fate was sealed last night when he talked mad shit and refused giving medication to a seizuring Bauer. So Phony’s back to being a major dick, and I think I’ve pretty much had it with him, I know that the US government was partially responsible for your wifes death, but when are you going to forgive and forget man? Quit effing with my emotions like this. I was also hoping that Moss would be fake dead because Phony was setting up a double swoop and squat but that was not the case, and agent Moss was shown extremely dead at the scene. That’s it folks, Tony’s a Phony.

In other revelations, it is now evident that Coach Kilmer is really only a cog in the evil machine that’s behind today’s plots. While in holding, he was visited by a femme fatale operative from the higher-ups, giving him a heart attack pill that would allow him to die with some dignity and not lose the legacy of Starkwood. Unfortunately, when he popped the pill en route to FBI headquarters, Coach Kilmer was seemingly saved by his escorts and taken to a local hospital- setting up a sick one on one between the Coach and Bauer. Intensity levels will be through the roof here people.

Once again Kim Bauer has dropped the ball. Even if your parents told you not to, anyone out there would surely atleast try saving them with some sort of miracle cure. Instead Kim drives away. As she’s driving home it’s uncovered that she is married AND has a little baby girl named “Terry” after her fallen grandmother. Again, Kim drops the ball, imagine this conversation in a few years: “Mommy, where did you get my name from?” “Oh that was your grandmothers name…she was brutally raped and murdered by terrorists.” Now the kid wont sleep till she’s 14. And is it just me or does this baby have eerily similar features to Bauer. Im pretty sure this baby is Jack Bauer. Just look at the comparison below:


I’m not even going to try to predict what’s going on, something’s gotta give with Bauer getting cured, there’s no way hes going to die. Not an effing chance.

Ode to the 20th Day of April

Hey April,

How's it going? I like you. I know I know, it's a little chilly in the beginning of you, but you warm up. You're pretty damp too, but that's ok, I'll risk some damp days for some colorful foliage throughout the summer. You definately bring optimism to the table, that warm weather is coming, and I like that. Eff March. You've got it going on. You're the month that makes clothes skimpy, you're the month that sets libido's flying, and the month that lets people start getting drunk outside. For all of these reasons I love you. Few months can rival what you bring to the table for the first 19 days of your existence, you pretty much rule. But guess what? You become an effing monster on the 20th. You step your game up to new levels. Yes, the 20th is the day where all things come together. It's like when Jordan found Pippen, or when milk chocolate decided to have a 4 way with nougat, peanuts and caramel...yes, April is when great things find eachother to become greater.

Well optimism of warm weather, meet marijuana. Today, the 20th day of April, these 2 things will be celebrated in perfect harmony. A day when stoners and squares alike set aside their differences to indulge in the forbidden fruit that is cannibus. People may celebrate differently but the overall message is the same, have fun, be easy, and just chill the eff out. So even if it's cloudy outside dont hesitate making it a little cloudy inside. Grab some nachos, warm up the Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVD's and prepare to giggle like a 2 year old who just pooped his pants. Whether you're in college skipping class or in your Mid-40's smoking that grass enjoy yourselves because the suns out longer, the weathers getting nicer and you're high as shit.

Sincerely,

SlowEff
xoxo

How to be a Fat Ass on 420

The use of marijuana will often be coupled with the abuse of all types of food products. Combinations will take place as creative thought takes hold in the kitchen, the grocery store or maybe just the bodega down the street...the results are often amazing, mind blowing concoctions of seriously stupid sustenance. I have pretty much been thinking about food since I boarded the train this morning and when I later realized, "oh shit, its 420" my mind began to race, the food possibilities are endless on a day like this.

I recall many fond memories back in high school in my parents kitchen and on through college and beyond when I entered into a super high culinary dojo and shit went down. Salsa met ranch and chip dipping was never the same...hot sauce and deli ham draped tombstone pizzas... pickles, lebanon bologna and Orange juice were my go to... slim jims, Arizona energy drinks and bags of those Frito flavor twists littered my car and 4 cereals often joined to fill one fantastic bowl...it all tasted awesome and its all part of the fun. Here is a list of great 420 Fatty McFat Kid moves to help satisfy your "munchies" maaan.


Dirty Chinese Food- lo mein, egg rolls, general tsos, sesame chicken, sweet and sour chicken, gallons of soy sauce, duck sauce, terayaki...you name it you eat it.

McDonald's- get one of every value meal and cut each sandwich in half...make them put all the fries in a bag and ask for a bottle of ketchup. Sit in the corner of the restaurant with sunglasses still on...eat until its gone or you freak out.

Mass order from a pizza place- Papa Johns, Pizza Hut, Domino's,it doesn't matter where just make sure to severely over order...that means, pizzas, cheesy bread, wings, boneless wings, multiple types of pizza etc.

Go to an "actual" pizza place and get any number of different types of slices...its about having options on days like these.

Go to a Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins Combo shop and order milkshakes and a dozen donuts.

Dozens of Wings...nuff said

Get creative and make chili, dips, grill burgers, hot dogs, chicken,ribs...cover them in whatever, grill, recover them in anything and then eat.

Grocery Store trip in which everything you want you buy...go home, unload and attack. Blocks of cheese, frozen dinners, frozen pizzas, chicken nuggets, shrimp, gallons of soda, hummus spread, boxes of wheat thins, pickles etc...

Head to the local bodega and just buy shit...lots of random shit. Slim jims, candy bars, chips and dip, honey buns, dunking sticks, funyuns, Doooooooritos, orange soda, dr. pepper, snapples, frozen snickers ice cream bars...it just goes on and on.

It's ok to be a Fat Eff on days like these so take advantage...hopefully this list will provide you with much needed guidance as you navigate your options today.

BAT SHIT CRAZY

This chick is absolutely BAT SHIT CRAZY. Read the article at this link to get the full monte on "Korean Abdul Jabbar".

http://www.observer.com/2009/style/hipster-grifter?page=0


Here is SlowEff's favorite qoute from the article

“She has this thing with guys where she talks about sex really upfront and kind of puts people off balance,” said Joe. (It was also around November that a guy named Troy was at Union Pool, the Williamsburg bar, when the bartender passed him a note from another customer. It read, “I want to give you a hand job with my mouth,” and was signed “Korean Abdul-Jabbar.” It was, according to Troy, from Ms. Ferrell. Another time, a patron at Fabiane’s, the café on Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg, said Ms. Ferrell passed him a note which read: “I want you to throw a hot dog down my hall.”

HIYO

Video of the Day

This guy pulls off some absolutely efftastic tricks on his mountain bike. It starts a little slow but once it gets going this guy gets after it.

Tree Found in Russians Lung

This guy takes "going green" to the next level. In another dose of hard hitting journalism from the NY Post, we learned today that it is in fact possible to have plants grow inside your body- increasing fears that if you swallow watermelon seeds a watermelon could potentially grow in your stomach. This is totally crazy, but extremely nauseating at the same time.

EFF Jam of the Day: I Poke Her Face

Boobs + Booze = Wine Rack

AWESOME-

Every dude with a dudette should go out and get this amazing breast enhancing, booze dispensing product. The WineRack can hold the equivalent of a bottle of wine and at max capacity, will provide the lucky lady wearing it with 2x her natural boobage. A great thing to have at all day concert festivals, sporting events and really anything where waiting in long lines for expensive booze is required.




here's a link with more info

http://www.thebeerbelly.com/PhotoGallery.asp?ProductCode=200%2D007

How To

START A FIGHT...

...AND LOSE MISERABLY.

Ball(s)

Peace winter. Baseball's here and so is my favorite excuse to skip the gym and murder a 6 pack. With each new year comes a handful of new prospects. Some are great (Hanley Ramirez), some are terrible (Ian Kennedy) and all of them catch more shit than your local Waste Management plant. The only thing better than touting them as the next Mickey Mantle is dressing them up like assholes and hookers and making them sign autographs. So here are some of the more memorable moments of "rookie hazing".

Pamela Anderson had a great spring training for the White Sox. She's traded in the bleach-blonde locks for the au-naturale look, which frankly doesn't surprise me. Schick may be pushing for a clean vagine, but Pam never played by the rules. She made celebrity porn and watermelon tits cool. You go girl.

Joba may have traded in his lion's mane for the florescent vest of a community service highway garbage collector, but fear not baseball fans, Ian Kennedy still throws like a bitch.

Oakland's newbies look like trannies, but at least they get to suck down some beers (among other things)

But hats off to this kid, I've never laughed harder.

Open letter to Somali Pirates

Dear Somali Pirates,

AAARGH, I get it, you have total shit for opportunity in your homeland. As a result you intend to find your fortunes on the high seas hijacking giant cargo ships and attempting to get ransom for the contents and sailors who are aboard. I am accepting of this basic formula because it is a modernized version of the "Old School" pirating ways....Going after anyone who has shit that can then become your shit...novel idea really. Where I really hold my gripes though, Somalis, is in the rest of your Pirate game...its weak at best and I won't stand for it any longer. Consider this letter a crash course in pirating called "Arrrrgh, Being a Pirate 101"

Lesson One: Dressing like a Pirate.

A Pirate is a scoundrel and a scallywag and he dresses like one. Note the large pirate hat, long flowing pirate hair, pirate jewels from his vast booty, a swashbuckler's sword and a cape. If you are a hard core pirate and have lost a leg to a cannon ball, a hand to an alligator or an eye in a knife fight, not to worry, there are plenty of cool Pirate accessories that will not only make life with such injuries more adaptable but also enhance your Pirate persona and image as well.

leg to cannon ball= peg leg...this says you've been around the block and aren't afraid to get hit in the leg with a cannon ball...ballsy indeed

hand to an alligator- hook hand...this says step aside Steve Irwin, i fox with gators on the reg.

eye in a knife fight- eye patch...this says...yeah i have one eye and I'm about to take yours


You jackasses on the other hand do not look piratey at all in your sweat shirts and head wraps and tattered pants...where is the creative value in your craft Somalis? What's with your shades man, is that an attempt at a double eye patch? Are you to good for a talking parrot? Are you holding an Effing walky talky man...what happend to a good old fashion "Ahoy matey"?

The second part of this lesson deals with your "piratey things."

Lesson Two: Uh, Get your Pirate On!

Ships- You have beat ass boats that look like you went to a scrap yard and bolted pieces of sheet metal together. Would it kill you to build a nice solid wooden ship with skulls on the mast and a mermaid carved into the head of the ship...no, no it wouldn't.

Weapons- grenade launchers, ak's and bazookas are not very piratey and depsite your ability to modernize the ways of a pirate I will not tolerate such shenanigans. You guys should have pistols, cannons facing off on each side of the ship and swords with gold hand protectors. How can I take you seriously as a pirate when you're coming out guns blazing like Iraqi insurgents?...the answer is, I cannot.

Treasure- You guys are going after massive effing cargo ships and attempting to hold them ransom...while i acknowledge holding people for ransom as a "piratey thing" I cannot accept the lack of "plank walking", putting people in boxes with scorpions and the general lack of treasure chests...no X marks the spot? you gotta be kidding me.

Here is an instructional video I made for you to reference some of the issues discussed in this lesson.



YO HO, YO HO, A Pirates life for me.

Dr. SlowEff

Tax Day!!!

Today's the day we roll the proverbial dice to see whether Uncle Sam is kicking us in the balls or giving us a handy. Get all of your deductions itemized and rental properties depreciated because there are less than 12 hours to go before you start incurring failure to file penalties and interest. Best of luck and try not to eff yourself trying to figure them out.

24 Recap: Holy Effing S I just S-ed my P's.

Holy shit people, holllllly shit. This weeks 2-4 featured more twists and turns than a monkey in a straight jacket trying to ride a bike. You had it all here, sick detonations, tense face to face meetings between good and evil, classic cast members, and the ultimate of deceptions. It’s safe to say that 1AM-2AM was the coolest hour this far, and no thanks to Tony Cool, now forever dubbed Tony (Un)Cool….but more on him later.

The beginning of this episode was enough to make you S your P’s. Tony pulled some sick tactical moves in getting to the fuel tanks and ultimately blowing them up. One critique, however, is shouldn’t more stuff be blown up? I mean the whole gas station was in tact after this massive explosion, I call shenanigans on the set design team on this one. What made this situation so intense was that on top of the rockets being launched, at the same time Coach Kilmer was trying to blackmail the President of the United States aka Estrogen in Chief. Luckily, everything was destroyed in time and Coach Kilmer and his douchey little side kick were locked up, but only after some intense discussions.


Then we move onto the heart and soul of this ep where we get to the rawww emotion. Miss Kimberly Effing Bauer had the nerve to show her face once more for an emotional 5 minute talk with her father. Bauer wanted nothing more than to keep her out of this, but he couldn’t stop the only thing he loves from getting to him. I’ll be damned if I didn’t get goosebumps during this conversation culminating with jack saying “I’m dying.” In the end, Jack decides that it’s not worth the medical risk to Kim to save his own effed up life. So Kim walked away from her father and out of his life forever. Yeah right, $20 says she walked right out that door to the medical facility and got those em-effing stem cells harvested. Guaranteed Bauer will be up and running by the end of next episode….hour and a half at the most.

Ok so we had a power face off, the most emotional scene of the season, now we need the drama and deceipt. First let me start by saying, eff you Tony Effing Eff you Mothering Effing Eff. If you’re playing with my heart again im not going to stand for it, you build me up, you break me down, you build me up more, you level me. Make up your mind you piece of shit. I know the government killed your wife, but you didn’t have to take it out on Moss right when he was getting cool. This happens everytime. The dick cast member takes a while to warm up to Bauer, and when he finally does, he gets offed and effed. This better not be another sorry about that whammy swoop and sqwat because my emotions are in no mood to be played by you again Tony (Un)Cool.

Sloweff First Look: Citi Field

It is with great pleasure and swelling pride that I report to you sloweffers on the brand spanking new home to the New York Metropolitans. Last night was a night of varying emotions: excitement, reluctance, curiosity, yearning, and arousal. From the second I stepped off the subway platform I knew I was in for a totally earth shattering, perception blowing night. This, my friends, was when the most memorable part of the evening occured; when I looked out towards my beloved Flushing Park and saw a gaping hole in the landscape. The giant blue bowl with neon lights on the side was missing. The silence, deafening, the sight, blinding. I took a deep breath and marched on, knowing that tonight was going to be a night of new beginnings, no matter if i was ready for them or not, it was time to move on.

The weather was a bit crisp, but not nearly as bad as predicted. There was definately a buzz in the air. As I entered the Jackie Robinson Rotunda an hour prior to game time my reluctance turned to giddyness. I felt like a kid in a new home, wanting to explore every nook and cranny and get the new lay of land. That's one of the reasons I loved Shea so much, I had it figured out (not that it was hard, it was a giant symmetric circle.) Citi Field has a lot of "unique" characteristics, but many of these characteristics may seem a little forced. The designers of the park travelled to almost every stadium in the league looking for ideas, and what they came up with borrows a little something from all of them. The only problem is, there's nothing that stands out and says "this is Citi Field" apart from the giant effing apple in Center Field. I'm all for the apple, but the new apple is comically big.
I was actually able to sneak down to the center field seats where I got to get a first hand view of the new bullpens. I got to watch Big Pelf warmup and even got the ball he tossed around before the first game at Citi Field. Then the real butterflies started flying when Tom Seaver and Mike Piazza emerged about 10 feet away from me:

Pictured above is Tom Seaver's entire body and Mike Piazzas legs. This location also got me featured in a few pictures and televised game tape.

As me and my pops found our way to the seats we wandered around Citi Fields expansive concourses and were able to survey the food selection as well as beverage options. Beer is only $6.75(i think)! Way down from Shea's prices. The lines for all the trendy places to eat like Shake Shack, Blue Smoke, among others were far too long, so I stuck with a hot dog and was not let down. One more thing to note: Citi Field has liquor, lots and lots of dleicious sweet liquor for sale, this can only be a good thing.



The views were good from all around, nice sightlines, very scenic...unfortunately the Mets continued where they left off by losing the game.

One more critique that a few people noted last night: Where is all of the Mets stuff? Jackie Robinson is a hero and should be commended for everything he did for the sport, which is why I have no problem with the Rotunda. But what about the Miracle Mets? Where is the homage to '69 and '86? Where's the hall of fame with old Mets relics and pieces of Shea? It's great to have such an aesthetically pleasing exterior, but we're not the Dodgers. The walls are green, they should be blue. The seats are green, they should be blue and orange. Im guessing as I go to more and more games it will feel more and more like home, it's just new to me. All in all, I cant wait to go back.

Lindsay Lohan: Back on the market...HIYYYYYOOO

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Dr. SlowEFF will be responding to that ad regardless of its validity...suck it SaMantha Ronson you ugly ass rat.

Video of the Day: Mow your Effing Lawn

Seriously

24 Recap: First C Gets on Her Knees to Appease P

In a tense 60 minutes of pure adrenaline, we learned 2 things: Bauer is effed and Coach Kilmer means business. First, bauer is showing some drastic changes in only about 2 hours of being infected. As the symptoms progress, his ability to fight terrorists is greatly compromised. This, however, opens the door for some vintage Tony Cool takedowns and neck snaps. Tony hasn't skipped a beat and knows he has to rise to the occasion with Bauer on the sidelines. Speaking of doors opening it seems as though that miracle cure for Bauer's illness does exist, in the form of stem cell treatment. Now we can add another hot button topic, stem cell research, to the writer's already controversial commentary of terrorism, foreign affairs, and torture. And of course, in order to use stem cells were going to need a next of kin to do research on; all signs point to Miss Kimberly Bauer making a special appearance in upcoming installments.

Now, onto the business. A tense standoff took place on Starkwood's private miliatry base between the FBI and Starkwood's militia. The FBI stood down but managed to sneak Tony out of the pack thanks to a sick left hook diversion delivered by Agent Moss. Once Tony Ju-jitsued his way into the biochemical lab he was able to confirm that they do iin fact possess the power to infect tens of thousands of people. The President authorized a missle attack on the base but was forced to standown after Coach Kilmer threatened to launch the biochemicals at major cities on the East Coast- setting up a face to face meeting next week with the Pres and poss First C.

Speaking of that whore, the First C got what's coming to her (that's what she said) by a reverse whammy swoop and sqwat carried off by her ex flame and tv reporter turd ferguson. In an effort to qwell the story of WMDs, the First C decided it would be easier to get on her knees to save her mother's name by blackmailing her newsman exflame. In a secret sex tape rivaled only by Paris Hiltons, the C used some trickery in making sure that the story wouldn't break. A doubley douchey move indeed.

Next week brings some tense moments so heads up...

Kumar to the White House?

It seems as though everyone's 14th favorite stoner has traded in his O-bonga for Obama. Kal Penn, of Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, Harold & Kumar Excape from Guantanamo Bay, Harold & Kumar Go to Amsterdam, and Harold & Kumar Check Into Rehab fame has decided to take a role in the Obama White House as a liason to the arts Asian-American community. The move is being questioned by skeptics who feel a stoney actor may not be qualified for as a liason for the Asian Community simply because he is Asian. But have no fear, Kumar is dedicated to making "sure that everyone's concerns are heard and they are familiar with the president's plans and proposals." Which leads me to ponder whoe else Mr. President may be considering to recruit, perhaps Cheech and Chong for Secretaries of Education, or maybe this guy as director of agriculture:


Good luck Kal.

Matthew McConaughey: You SonofaBitch

Open letter to Matthew McConaughey...to be read in his voice

Dear Matthew,

Let me start by saying I do not hate you. On many levels I am envious of your super hot wife/gf/baby momma, your bank accounts and your beach ready physique (i could have the same if i tried). I am not and have never been, however, a fan of your Rom Com shit genre films. Clap, Clap, you've truly found your niche. You make horrible films with hot Hollywood leading ladies that involve little more than you being an immature, successful bachelor, in search of the woman who will finally tame you. Often times your plots involve bets, or games of chance in which you will plunge competitively into an affair with a "tough minded" damsel...along the way finding true love, losing it due to stubborn ways and then regaining what was lost in a closing make out scene along a pier, sun drenched beach or hoakie down south bar. It would be interesting to see where your career would have headed if you would have continued to select movies with depth, more along the lines of A Time To Kill, a film I found you to be excellent in. Alas, this is not the case and your latest film, "Ghost of Girlfriends Past" is evidence of this. It seems you have wooed Jennifer Garner (hot but has big ears) into your latest love web. In this film you will have a "Scrooge-esque" experience in which you travel back in time to view just how big a Douche Scrote you were to your ex girlfriends, all the while having your aged perspective to gaze back and realize the mistakes you made, the women you loved and lost. I hope there will be a "tiny tim" like character to remind you of your blessings and show you the lighted path as you attempt to regain "the one who got away".....

Holy shit...its as if lightening struck as I was drafting this letter. I have already mentioned that I do not hate you but, rather I hate your movies...now as I break them down, I find that you really do have it figured out. Your characters are living the lives many men would kill for, you make shit rom com movies that girls and some people like, you nail hot chicks in said movies, lived in an astro van by the beach, workout with lance armstrong, crush a super hottie, play bongos naked while smoking pot and you're turbo rich....Matthew, I apologize...If having the Hollywood life figured out counts for anything, you're pretty much the man.

xoxo,

Dr. SlowEff

Fast and Furious: Seriously?

Begin Rant-

Ok SlowEffers, I think its time we put a stop to this string of shit, car racing films that play with the formula of "Good Cop meets Bad Guy, so lets effing race on abandoned highways and in dark industrial alleys, while we develop relationships, trust and love those who are forbidden, all in the presence of guns, engines, massive explosions and special effects" kind of thing.

First, let me start by saying that I have not viewed any of this shit franchises films...I do not have an intake, an exhaust tip, a sports package, neon lights, wind fins, Nitrous turbo kit, tachometers, didgeridoos or digerydonts...i do have a super fast Audi with a V8 4.2 L though, so shhhhlob on my knob.

The following is my loose interpretation of the story lines that unfold for the awful Fast and Furious series. Grammar rules are thrown out the window and proper sentence structure is at times raped. The message, I pray, is conveyed clearly...somewhat clearly at least.

As far as I can tell here's the way it works.

Fast and the Furious- Bad guy with little sister and girlfriend doing bad things, run into undercover good guy who pretends to want involvement in said bad things. Good guy gets in over his head with bad things, falls for bad guys little sister, races bad guy, has sweet car, wins, bad guy likes, trusts, then bad guy realizes at the end good guy is not bad but actually good...more racing, plot thickens...I've just hung myself by the rafters.




Next up, 2 Fast 2 Furious- Now things are extra fast and extra furious, one might even say 2 furious...hahah, I've made myself laugh....but seriously, back to the plot I envision. Now we've got the same players but slightly different circumstances...backs were stabbed and hearts were broken in the first movie and these story lines need to be tied up. Enter super male model Tyrese and a rapper turned actor...Get Back Get Back Y'all Don't Know Me Like That...Hiyo Ludacris, I can't wait to hear the urban dialogue you'll provide all while introducing an additional car squad to the game...I imagine they are Asians becaaaaaaaaaause...

Next Stop is Tokyo- in keeping with the rap theme lets call Lil Bow Wow and see if he's available to star in a "bound to suck" feature film about an edgy, new wave asian style of racing called drifting. sweet, now everyone is going on very curved roads and pulling the effing E brake...sounds like a snow day in high school ya effin dorks...I imagine at some point a samurai fight breaks out and there is a difficult to breach language barrier that only temporarily holds back the main love plot in the storyline. I also imagine there is sushi, a chop stick fight and soy sauce fueling the turbo fast Honda's and Mitsubishi's.

Annnd now we come to the 4th installment of suck. Based on the trailers it seems "these guys already know each other"....no shit, its the 4th effing film. I can only imagine the cars are faster than ever, the driving is the most furious we've seen and Vin Diesel has more pre knock out punch lines than a bouncer at McFaddens. The girls are still hot and edgy and the same can be said for pretty boy Paul Walker as they drive the latest "2 EFF 2 EFFious" movie straight over the guard rail....i will not be calling roadside assistance.

I want to kick Vin Diesel in his short stack...if it weren't for his redeeming role in Chronicles of Riddick (i know, I'm not sure why the eff i like it either)...but that doesn't get him off the suck hook. As for you Mr. Paul Walker, my hetero man crush on you has run deep since the days of Varsity Blues...I wanted to be you man, and now...now I'm just upset looking at what your career has become...doo doo. To the ladies, Michelle and Jordana, you look good, seriously...that is all.

Everyone should do themselves a favor and NOT go to this film...also, obey the law of the road and wear seat belts.

End Rant

I leave you with this