This Just In: P-ing O rivals the C

Condophobes unite! it seems a new study has found that the time tested method of "pulling out" has been proven about as effective as wearing a love glove. Take note that you must first ensure that your partner is clean, but now you know that the odds of seeding your mate are much lower than initially thought. So for now, leave the jimmy hats for the sailors.

TNT: I Effing Get It...You Know Drama

For anyone who has been following the NBA Playoff broadcasts on TNT and or for those who already watch shows on the network, did you hear about how TNT knows drama? I mean what the shit...I can't get through a commercial break on that channel with out being eye effed by "Saving Grace", "Leverage","The Closer", "Raising The Bar", "Dark Blue" and "Hawthorne" one after the other. I get it gang, you have a new "intense", "gritty", "edgy", "suspenseful" lineup and you want to push that shit hard...but don't push too hard or you will crap your proverbial "network pants"...FACT. Here is a brief breakdown, as i see it, of your new "hot" summer lineup:

"Saving Grace"- a tough minded woman with an axe to grind with law breakers and personal demons to boot takes to the small screen and mixes things up. She's not a afraid to chug whiskey or get frisky with those she encounters...plays by her own rules kind of gal.

"The Closer"- Kevin Bacon's chick closes cases...straight up she closes them....that's why its called The Closer because when things are open and other people can't close them she comes in and closes them...its just how she do.

"Leverage"- A group of experts composed of "The Mastermind", "The Thief", "The Internet Expert", "The Retrieval Specialist"(hahah) and "The Grifter"....this squad is like a modern day Robin Hood et al running around and using "leverage" to help the little guy and punish those who do wrong. I've seen this show and i didn't not enjoy it...that does not mean it's worth watching.

"Raising The Bar"- A young lawyer played by Mark Paul Goosllaar aka "Zach Morris" tackles hard ethical issues and the system while trying to maintain his own standards. I'll watch it for Mark, "Zach Morris" was and always will be an idol of mine...he taught me that things can always be fixed with big cell phones and big smiles...best of luck to him on this endeavor.

"Dark Blue"- Holy shit balls these guys are in so deep the blue of a cops uniform is now dark blue. Looks like an emotional depiction of the drama that takes place as undercover officers walk the fine line between their jobs and becoming those they are out to stop.

"Hawthorne"- Bitch please...you don't mess with this Registered Nurse. Jada Pinkett Smith brings intense energy inside the walls of the hospital...saving lives both on and off the operating table is just your average day...and they also say something about "being a hero" or some shit in the ad.

So there you have it, the TNT lineup as understood by Dr. Sloweff with aggressive help from the constant bombarding of commercials during NBA playoff broadcasts.

I think I'll watch each show once and rank them in a post to follow...eff

So That's Why Red Bull Works So Well...

Reports out of Germany claim that trace amounts of cocaine has been found in tests of Red Bull samples. This news should come as no surprise to anyone who slurps down the bev' in order to get a quick jittery fix. The findings also explain why users of Red Bull aggressively clench their jaw, crush cigarettes, continuously ramble about nothing, and S some D's for more Red Bull.

EFF Jam: Thighs like what, what what

Anyone who knows what the hell this short dude is doing these days feel free to enlighten us via comments.

Love it when your booty goes da da dat

Who You Gonna Call?

Ghostbusters - Atari Live Trailer
by dpadmagazine

A new Ghostbusters video game? Word is they're trying to drive up the hype machine before they release the third installment of the Ghostbusters series. All in all the game looks pretty sweet and pays respect to the old school Ghostbuster fans.

Open Retter to Kim Jung-il: Dude...

Dear "Great Leader",

I have had a rove affair with your inabirity to pronounce the the retter "L" ever since watching the movie "Team America". My mother who is an ESL teacher has since informed me that the asian ranguages do not necessarirry recognize or acknowredge the "sound" and as a resurt they pronounce the retter with more of an "r" sound. As such I have crafted this retter to accomodate our "l" to "r" ranguage barrier. That being said...dude, seriousry? You are effing nuts. You traver around your country in an armored train, you eat with sirver chop sticks, you rove Erizabeth Tayror and Ervis, have a correction of over 20,000 VHS tapes and consider yourserf an expert of both firm and the internet. Excuse me whire I raugh...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...and im done.

As if your personar interests aren't enough, there area arso your crazy poriticar agendas that have run your country into the nether regions of despair and poverty. Your poricies are
"sirry, yes rearry" sir and your ambitious desire to weird chemicar/nucrear weapons has again, just this week, taken a turn for the worse.

In the rast week you have raunched murtipre test bombs and short range missires, referred to the 1953 armistice that ended the war between north and south as Nurr and Void and just yesterday you stated that if US or South Korean ships mess with boats bringing nucrear suppries to your country you wirr be "merciress". UMMMMMM, buddy, this is just not the way you want to go about things. Im not rearry sure if you think these acts wirr give you reverage in bargaining for righter sanctions on your piece of shit country but common sense wourd dictate you are effing with the wrong homies here. I trury hope that it does not come down to war because as the saying goes "what is it good for? absorutery nothing". You wourd certainry be effed arr over the prace by a variety of "actors" on the internationar revel and that is the resurt whether you raunch a weapon or just continue to put your dick in praces it does not berong...ie a nucrear facirity.
To be honest though, im not rearry suprised...this is typicar Kim Jung-Ir being Kim Jung-Ir and despite the fact that your are near the end of rife this is arr behavior we shourd expect. However, my recommendation is to forget about arr this nucrear nonsense and your confrict with the south and keep things poritics as usuar in the hopes of herping your county. Maybe curr up with a VHS of Creopatra starring Erizabeth Tayror and sip some scotch as you rive out your rast years...just a thought.



Sincerery,

Dr. SrowEFF

JB'ing

There is a giant floating world of trash the size of Texas in the Pacific Ocean...Eat more fish? http://popsci.typepad.com/popsci/2007/10/giant-island-of.html

Jose Canseco was knocked the eff out by the tallest Asian man I have ever seen....Oh Herro Hose.

In an article in Metro, the nyc subway publication, an HR rep recommends using "Brother Trucker" and "what the french toast" as substitutes for "Mother Fucker" and "What the Fuck" in the office place...I suggest they just say "EFF" instead. I also dislike the negative vibe those substitutes place on brothers and french toast.

When it is rainy outside I recommend listening to this little diddy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25qiZy7vmqY&feature=related

Really intelligent person calls 911 over missing juicebox...it better have been Hi-C Ecto Cooler
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/crime/2009/05/27/carter.or.911.juice.box.kptv Annnnnd of course this involved McDonalds.

Watch Cake Boss on TLC...he will blow your mind

Don't watch Real Housewives of New Jersey. One of the ladies has a Mr. Bigglesworth cat and it makes me want to vomit. Also, watching any of the "Real Housewives" shows will cause AIDS...so there is another reason.

Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?

Actually it's not Bueller, but his close buddy Cam's house is up for grabs in Highland Park, Illinois. The 5,300 square foot house, complete with the famous garage where Cameron goes batshit crazy on his oppresisve pops is listed at a mere 2.3 million dollars. Sick Ferrari's and parental resentment not included.

China: Helping People Jump Off Bridges Since 1920

Reave it to the Chinese to herp a ferrow out. It seems Chen Fuchao had racked up quite a bit of debt and was contemprating suicide on the Haizhu Bridge in Huangzhou Province but was really taking his effing time. The hord up was reading to heavy traffic on the bridge and after a few hours of this it seems a ferrow Chinese citizen took things into his own hands...the man warked up to Chen, shook his hand and then pushed him right off the effing bridge. hahahahahaha, amazing....check out the rink berow for the furr story.


http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,521379,00.html

Used Girl Panties For Sale?

Im totally confused by this picture and the caption that followed did little to enlighten me. It seems the Japanese used to sell "used panties" cigarette style in vending machines. I have a difficult time establishing just who would fall into the "used panty purchaser" demographic but apparently Japan had one...and may still have one despite the fact that "used girl panty sales" has been illegal since 1993.

Now that I think about it, this recession, coupled with the disastrous state of the retail indudstry might signal a re-birth, if you will, of the "used panty" sales market.

American Idol Fans Are Shitting their P's...so I wrote them a note

Dear American Idol Fans:

OMFG...I cannot believe Adam Lambert Lost....hahahahahha. I also don't care. However, you do, you really effing do. I'm sure many fans sobbed last night following the "epic" 2 hour finale and announcement that Kris "With a K" Allen was this years winner winner chicken dinner. I am also sure many of Mr. Allen's fans felt joy beyond their wildest dreams...dreams of pink unicorns riding across rainbows while playing harps I imagine. Get it together gang. Clearly many of you are heart broken with the results while others still are "ssthuper" excited. Remember there will always be next season, with new talent, new pathetic/wacked out eff's trying to sing, new people to creepily obsess over and establish fan sites in the name of. I'm sure Paula will still look like an effing "perc'd" out orange tinted maniac, Randy will still say "Dawg", that other judge will still be "that other judge" and of course Simon will still be a hate hate hater with a British accent. So my suggestion is relax, move on with your life and in the mean time you can text vote and invest your being in another effing reality show.

Crawdadders

Here at sloweff we love being fat kids and stuffing our face with varieties of delicious platters. So this week we will be discussing in short the amazing Cajun delicacy, the crayfish or crawdaddy if you will. The season runs from about March-June in Louisiana and what a season it is. This deliciously spicy freshwater shellfish makes for a great time. I was able to rekindle my love for these little guys at a local Cajun themed bar called Oddfellas on Tuesday night.

This guy went down!!!

Not only are they tasty and spicy, but attacking the meat is half the fun.

Three steps:
1) You twist the crayfish's tail from his head.
2) Pull off the top scale by the tail meat
3) Then push the meat out the tail and into your mouth!

As you rifle through them, you get better a creating perfect pieces of meat. Crayfish are supplemented by equally spicy corn, potatoes, or sausage and washing them down with a cool Hurricane or Corona is highly recommended. You can be like me and ravage the platter until there are none left to then chug you respective drink or pace yourself, the choice is yours. They usually run about $9 a pound and I suggest all of you research a Cajun themed bar (or come to Oddfellas), find some friends, and stuff you face with lbs. of crawdaddys.

EFF Jam of the Day: Going Going Back Back To...

CALI Mother EFFers



The Dr. and EFF Jats will be taking in the west coast this holiday weekend...we'll be sure to let you know how it tastes.

OMG OMG OMFG: Scanwiches

http://scanwiches.com/

http://scanwiches.com/

http://scanwiches.com/

Do you like sandwiches? Do you like salivating? Do you like j'ing in your p's? Well the geniuses at http://scanwiches.com/ have come up with what is probably one of the Top 5 best sites on the internet right now. Using an ingenious technology, these clever SOB's scan sandwich halves to titillate our taste buds and make us yearn for a delicious combination of meat, cheese, and all the other accoutrement's that makes a sandwich a sandwich. Hat's off to scanwiches, you guys are revolutionaries.

How I Feel at Work...

I'm about to shit on Deborah's desk...

My "Twins" Babydaddys

Just when Octomom sorta fell outta the news and you thought it was safe to read about babies, a revelation from Texas. Mia Washington has blown our minds by giving birth to twins with different fathers. She noticed after 11 months that the "twins" seemed to have different facial features and instead of doing the usual Texas thing, going on Murry (slang for Maury Povich) or Mr. Springer, she had the DNA tests herself to try to keep the story out of the national media...HAHA.

The mother was quoted in the Daily News saying "“I have twins who have different dads. Out of all the people in America and all the people in the world, this had to happen to me.”

Well for starters Miss Mia you should not have been so promiscuous. Fact: This one-in-a-million feat not only is inclusive of complicated fertilization, BUT Mia would have to have had sex with both partners within a 24-48 hour window...talk about getting your fill. Here at sloweff we call that getting "Double Dumped In." I understand with such influences like Sex and The City and Lady Gaga it is hard to not be a whore, but really??? Stay classy Mia and thanks for the representing our country in international news.

http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/health/2009/05/18/2009-05-18_texas_woman.html

EFF Jam: Beggin by Madcon

I also dance in my car to this. Correction, I dance in my car to all songs.

Open Letter to Lady Gaga: Are You A Hooker? If yes, how much?

Dear Lady Gagagagagagagaga,

Ma Ma Ma My Poker Face is hard as eff to read and I'd be happy to go heads up, double down, raise and clean your house. Flat out, you are a galactic whore bucket and my love for you is growing. The first time I saw your "Just Dance" video its safe to say "you had me at Just" as I was already dancing. I was quite intrigued as you skeezed it all about a grimy party scene, riding the eff out of dolphins, actively incorporating your hands into dance, wearing next to nothing(you hooker) and all in all bringing the "funk". I have to be straight with you, I did not want to like you at first. I knew where this was all headed...straight to "aggressive girl pop star action" and we all have seen where that heads (ie misses spears and rihanna). However, let's just say your latest single, "Poker Face" was a full on game changer. While at first I resisted your catchy beat it became impossible to avoid the song. The radio, my real life Lady and pretty much every bar insisted on hitting that beat on repeat. It was not long until I found myself humming it on the train, dancing to it sans clothing apres je prend une douche (french for take a shower) and basically enjoying the whole damn song. When I realized what was happening to me and the fact that it was truly "real life" I made a pact with myself never to purchase your beat on itunes...a restriction of sorts. Alas, Dr. Sloweff is apparently weak in the knees for a combo remix of Justin Timberlake singing hokey remixes of your songs on SNL. So, as I geared up for a long, arduous road trip last Thursday eve, I did it, I downloaded the eff out of your song. At first I felt used, disappointed in my caving in...a Lady Gaga relapse of sorts. However, not long after merging on to 78 West it was your songs turn on my sweet "Summer Jammy '09" playlist and it was then that I signed my soul over to the devil. I'll leave it at this... I got my car dance on...and I must say, my car dance shit, it gets real, real serious. Througout the weekend the song became a high point in what was an already strong playlist creation. I no longer feel uncomfortable when listening/dancing in my car to "Poker Face". I do however feel used and alone...and my car smells like sweat and fear.

Ohhh oh oh oh oh ohhh


Dr. SlowEff

at&t Condoning Stalking?

I don't mind crappy ads every once and a while, but after a while they just make my skin crawl. The latest example of such an ad is AT&T's recent spot showing two yearning lovebirds. One, obviously on a journey of adventure and discovery, seemingly has met her true love on a recent post graduate backpacking adventure through Europe. The other, a mouse-like European young man who left this young impressionable girl at a Paris train station after he taught her about love and baguettes. Cute story, huh? Well it didn't end there. It seems young mousey European grew quite a liking to the young lass, prompting him to send odd pictures of his head in front of a myriad of European landmarks. This story went from sweet to scary when the young man apparently followed his love back to the US and waited for the perfect moment to surprise her via picture message, how romantic. So you're telling me this guy flew over, stalked the eff out of this poor girl that really didn't even want to make it anymore than summer fling in the first place, and found her randomly sitting on a cliff? I don't buy it, and I don't buy that stupid hat.

UPDATE: Tattoo Doo's and Don'ts

A late add was emailed to Eff for our Tattoo Doo's and Don't's section:


In case you can't tell that's a Lion eating a basketball rim, complete with "Heart of a Lion" written in Hebrew next to it. Rumor has it this person was an extremely talented HS basketball player but his love of cheesesteaks and Parliament Lights put the kaibosh on his college career.

There's Nothing to Say

Tattoo Doo's and Don'ts...mostly Dont's.

A friend of the Eff forwarded this fascinating article about a recently published book, No Regrets: The Best, Worst, & Most Ridiculous Tattoos Ever, a compilation of some of the best and worst tattoos from around the world by Aviva Yael. Here are a few of the better samples:

Unique to say the least, who else has a Minotaur Chipendales Patrick Swayze surrounded by a rainbow??? That's what I thought:


Biggest Tool Award:


This is just so great on so many levels:


And my personal favorite, the old "stoned dolphin taking bong rips on a recliner exhaling through his blow hole":

Pittsburgh PA: The Epitome of Class

After Philippe Boucher scored what proved to be the game winning goal for the Penguins in last nights 3-2 victory over the Hurricanes in Eastern Conference Finals of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh PA erupted and celebrated the only way they know how: By flipping off the oppositions coach.

This has got to be one of the best moves a fan can do after scoring on the visiting team. The fan merely saying "Eff you, get out of my house!" which I feel is fully respectable and allowable thing to do. Great move.

EFF Jam: Silky (No Homo)

A nice little ditty from Cam'Ron.....ahhhhhhhh silky silky baby

Calling All Effers

Recently a fan of Eff sent us this mobile image taken from an airport and demanded that we review this gluttonous product for Fat Kids Paradise. If any of you have seen said fry-flavored potato snacks in the metro-NY area please let us know of a location so we can try these most-likely delcious chips. Also, if you have something you would like us to review for the paradise, feel free to leave a comment or click the "Eff Us Up" link at the bottom of the page.

PS- Speaking of chips...the sloweff squad consumed a record amount of potato chips this weekend. Just wanted to let you know.

An Open Letter to the UPS Guy

Hey UPS guy-

Its over, give it up. Your once informative ads have turned from soothing to annoying. At first I was lured like a moth to light to by a dynamic combination of meticulous white board illustrating and concise explanations. I thought to myself "wow, not only can this guy draw really well, he can also tell me how to efficiently handle my small business's shipping needs at the same time." The sort of qualities you admire and expect out of a college professor. In fact, if I didn't know any better I'd say that guy definitely wears blazers with leather patches on the sleeves. To top it all off, The Postal Service's "Such Great Heights" and it's beepy-boppy beat was stuck in my head for days and days after first hearing it. Ohhhh, I get it, Postal Service/UPS, both send things...wow, you guys have really got this whole marketing formula down.

All was well in UPS land, for a solid year or 2, but you know what got me? No, it wasn't your froofy she-mullet akin to a recent Open Letter recipient. No, It was when you sold out. It was when I knew you were a fraud. Remember when your favorite baseball player tested positive for steroids? That's how I felt when I learned that the professor was no more than a pawn for a corporation that had as much integrity as Bernie Madoff. You see, I always wondered how he could draw so precisely while talking about my shipping needs, I didn't want to believe that it was fake and all digitally enhanced, so I continued to hold out hope. Then UPS did it, they confirmed my fears by making the Professors drawings suddenly animate. How could this happen? Is nothing sacred? Is there anything in this world that isn't enhanced by a GD computer? You're telling me that you marketing whizzes, the clever bastards that made the deep connection between UPS and The Postal Service, couldn't find some guy that could create amazing drawings and talk at the same time? Eff you UPS, and as for you Professor, I thought you were better than that. You changed mullet guy, you changed man....go eff yourself.

-Eff Jats

Sick Gangsta Panda

Awkward Family Photos

We recently stumbled upon a great new site, http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/, which has nuggets upon nuggets of fresh glimpses into the American family dynamic. Enjoy!

Jb'ing

A new section of the blog entitled Jb'ing (just bloggin) in which I will simply say things...because everyone seems to think its cool when they do it on twitter.

A couple things:

I baked my own pizza last night and it was the shit.

Today is really nice out...people should get together on days like this and take their clothes off and frolic...instead we get dressed and do not frolic.

I am having a difficult time deciding whether or not I want to eat a tasty salad or a tasty sub for lunch...9 times out of 10 the tasty sub wins this battle.

How about these playoff series going on right now? Mad action in bball and hockey, sprinkle in some baseball and I can't think of a better time for sports...other than football season I suppose.

Who the hell is Reneee Zelwigger and is she relevant anymore?

Apparently some waitress shot a lady over a food dispute...."I said hold the mother effing oni....ahhhhh, i been shot in my leg!"
http://www.wltx.com/news/story.aspx?storyid=73684&catid=2

Do not talk shit to Kenyon Martin's Mother...Mark Cuban I'm talking to you.

Somali pirates have been semi quiet lately...good for them. I can only hope they are re-working their look and re-upping on swords and cannons.

"hot sake and cold enagi, could anything be more sublime"- how drole

that is all

Dominos Bread Bowl Pasta: An Adventure Through Fat Kid Heaven

Recently after several requests, the Dr. and I (along with 2 other Friends of Eff) decided that it would be in our blogs best interest to give our followers a glimpse into the fatty world of Domino's new Bread Bowl Pasta dishes. Following the lead of such hits like the Dunkin Donuts Waffle Sandwich and Baconnaise, we jumped all into the adventure, supplementing our $72 meal with 2 large thin crusts, chicken kickers, and cinna stix. Even though it sounded like a large order, the food would ultimately quiver in the shadows of our massive appetites. We both chose to go with the Chicken Carbonera Bowl:
a sexy melange of chicken, bacon, and creamy Alfredo sauce. Our first hurdle was how to attack this massive beast that weighs about 5-7lbs, by hand or with formal cutlery? The Dr went hand first, where I chose the latter- but we would be flip flopping throughout the meal. Both proved effective, and both reaped their benefits. As we were fist deep in the behemoth we couldn't help to smile like a fat kid in a candy store because our guilty pleasures were being titillated. We had to pace ourselves, for this was a marathon, not a sprint.

Our assessments were fair. The dish was good and could have used a little more sauce, but all in all a great meal and filling to say the least. Let me get this clear, this is simply a Sunday Evening Belly Buster and is by no means a substitute for a good pasta dish- and if you know this going in you will be more than satisfied. All in all this dish gets a solid 3 out of 4 effs on the Fat Kid Meter.

Open Letter to Justin Timberlake

Dear Justin Timberlake-

Player haters beware...your separation from N'Sync and rise to solo stardom has blown my effing mind. I mean dude, you make hot music, you dance like it is your job (and at times it is), you can act and you EFF(ED) Brittany Spears, Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel to name a few. I applaud you JT. It seems like every time I see you do something new I am required to have greater respect for your talent and "the way you do those things you do." Your appearance this past Saturday on SNL produced more of the same top notch sketch comedy that we've all grown to expect from you. From Target to Plastic-ville you had my attention...but the kicker was the follow up to your hit duet with Andy Samberg "Dick in A Box" entitled "Motherlover"...let's take a look:



Ummmm Gold right there, and a Susan Sarandon cameo...behave yourself JT this one made my teeth sweat. Also, great use of topical humor as it was Mother's Day Weekend but I'm sure you realized that.

When I think back to the days when your head was a mound of golden pubicals I never would have imagined that I would stand here today, a proud fan of all your work but I am and I do...keep bringing sexy back.

Dr. SlowEFf

Sick Nasty Pong Shots

Sick vid of sick nasty pong shots...which makes me yearn for the days when I could have sat around doing nothing filming random stuff thats awesome.

EFF Jam: You Can Call Me Al

Happy Effing Weekend

Paul Simon-You Can Call Me Al Video
Uploaded by Docbuzz - See the latest featured music videos.

Open Letter to Men Wearing Skinny Jeans

Dear men wearing skinny jeans,

Consider yourself on notice. Skinny Jeans are pants for women that began as a female fashion trend a year or so back and for whatever reason they have transcended gender boundaries as a bunch of gay men, hipsters, rock stars and even rapper Lil Wayne have begun to rock them all about town. I've got news for you guys, you look effing stupid and whether you say you are or not, I know you can't be comfortable. There is no good reason for a man to be stuffing his lower body, package and all into a pair of jeans so slender and tight. Do you actually believe you look "attractive" or "well dressed" in these female skinny jeans? Or is it more about making a statement and fitting a certain image? I believe Sprite said it best, "image is nothing, thirst is everything" so while you rock those skinny ass jeans with the idea that you look "hip" I watch and observe as my mind is blown. Are you aware that the ultra snug fit is doing damage to your sperm count guys? You realize that by cramping your dinger up in those lady pants you are heating up the natural temperature at which the sperm are able to survive...So not only do you look stupid while wearing pants that are cut for skinny girls but you are also damaging your own seed...all in the name of "fashion"?

I suggest you do us all a favor and your sperm as well and loosen your pants the eff up.

hkhk,

Dr. Sloweff

Manny Caught With a Different Type of Performance Enhancing Drugs

News Flash: One of the greatest hitters in the steroid generation of baseball has been caught with performance enhancing drugs. WAIT! Don't burn your Manny jerseys yet. It seems as though that Man-Ram was caught with Sexually Performance Enhancing Drugs . Unlike on the field, apparently Manny doesn't have control over his wood off of it. The drug he tested positive for both increases blood flow and testosterone which are one of the beneficial effects of regular PEDs. Heres to holding out hope that Manny's other stick's not juiced...or is, depending on what you're going for.

Viiiiiiivaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Viagra: Erectile Dysfunction Ads Too Much?

Congressman Moran (D-VA) has a bone(r) to pick with the drug companies who air ads for erectile dysfunction products on TV during regular viewing hours. He feels that its inappropriate and he's flat out fed up with these boner supporting, sexual enhancing shenanigans.

"Enter H.R. 2175. That’s a bill that Rep. Moran introduced last month that would prohibit any ED ads from airing on broadcast radio and TV between 6AM and 10PM. The bill advises the Federal Communications Commission to treat these ads as “indecent” and instruct stations to restrict their broadcast to late night and overnight hours."

Clearly a man of Congressman Moran's age would have strong interest in these pharmaceutical products, unless of course he is no longer tapping that Mrs. Moran ass. Maybe he's frustrated with his sexual life or maybe he watches adult content television with his gran kids around...I just don't know.

As far as I see it, I understand parents not wanting their children to see ads that blatantly boast about the "amazing boners" or "wild octogenarian romps" that will occur once the product is consumed...however, none of the ads for these products say anything along these lines and the subtleties that ads do contain are way, way above the heads of young children. Furthermore, these ads are run on channels for the target audience such as sports center, history channel, spike TV, etc, not on Toon, Nickelodeon or during the broadcast of Bob the Builder where children would be bombarded by the content.

I recommend parents monitor the shows their children watch(generic response) and if they do have to answer the question of "why is that guy smiling?" they should simply respond, "one day you will understand".
I also suggest Rep. Moran get a pack of Viagra, get a boner and then get a life...he's a democrat for eff sake, shouldn't he be ok with something like this?

Here is the link with more info on the bonerific story.
http://amfix.blogs.cnn.com/2009/05/07/erectile-dysfunction-ads-too-hot-for-tv/

I leave you with this...could a 6 year old really figure this out?

EFF Jam: Matt & Kim "Daylight"

You may have heard this in a new bacardi mojito commercial or you may have known of the band/song prior...either way its a great effin jam, perfect for the sunny days to come.

"I'm Passing Out"

We all know the recession has been tough on everyone, but apparently the financial analysts are feeling it the worst:

EFF Jam Of The Day: Sexy Rexy

Say No More Mon Amour....this is a classic music video from the even more classic movie Empire Records. Why don't people make feel good music like this anymore?

Separated at Birth

There are some people in today's popular society who I think are seperated at birth. I will be periodically showing these comparisons here on the Eff. First up is an oldie but goodie. I first noticed this comparison several years ago while watching the VMA's, circa 01-02ish, but since I had no creative outlet, I couldn't share it with the world. Now it seems as though a few sites have caught onto Will Ferrell looking uncannily like Red Hot Chili Pepper's drummer Chad Smith, but it doesn't matter, I had to share it anyway, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the first installment of "Seperated at Birth":

Don't Eff with the Kiefer

Whether its Mr. Bauer or Mr. Sutherland, you just don't mess with him. Kief/Jack recently reminded a silly fashion designer of this fact at the Metropolitans Museum or Art's after party this week....with an effing head butt to the nose. Hahahahahahahah....i love a good old fashion head butt to drive the point home...but in this case there was apparently very little point to be driven home. Accounts say Kiefer was sticking up for gal pal Brooke Shields after some douchey designer bumped into her...others say it was just drunk Kief being drunk Kief. I'll chalk it up to him being a method actor and fully embodying his characters persona all in the name of a more "real" Jack Bauer.

Here's the article for further deets

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30594525

A Slower EFF Jam: Arcade Fire in an Elevator

throw 8 people plus insturments into an elevator and film....coool yo

In the News

In an effort to prevent boys and girls from progressing through our school system illiterate and uneducated, Obama is getting ready to leave every child behind. Problem solved.

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/05/05/obama-preps-overhaul-child-left/

This past Sunday, silly Somali pirates armed with AK-47's and rocket launchers in fishing boats (below)

tried to capture a battleship (below).

They were almost successful as it was a ship of the French Navy

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,518788,00.html

Ms. Independent is actually Ms. Deceitful

EFF!
Men,
Women are thinking for themselves and they have a clever music video to prove it!
http://mstaken.com/
Not only are they blatantly lying to our faces, but we now have to live with the knowledge that we're destroying their stomach and esophagus caused by chronic in-mouth vomiting due to our lack of suitability and consistent douchebagery... double eff!

Apparently Austrailia Has Talent?

Weird shit going on down there in Austrailia

McDonald's French Fries Practice Safe Sex?

Just another day in Fribourg, Switzerland until a 7 year old heads over to Mickey D's with mommy and out of her happy meal pops an effing condom. First of all...VOMIT and second of all how the eff does a condom get there? Here's what I think happened:

SOMEONE EFFED IN THE FRENCH FRIES....WHICH IS GROSS AND ALSO QUITE DANGEROUS AS THOSE THINGS ARE HOT AND NOT A GOOD SPOT FOR YOUNG MEN OR YOUNG WOMEN TO REST GENITALIA. AFTER A SLOW BUT SATISFYING EFF THE YOUNG MAN REMOVED HIS LATEX LANCE COVER AND DROPPED IT WITH A SNICKER INTO THE FRIES. IT WAS SOON AFTER SERVED TO THE YOUNG GIRL WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A BALLOON...ITS NOT...ITS AN EFFING USED CONDOM.

Nuff Said

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30561605/

Baconnaise...OM EFF G: "Because Everything Tastes Better With Bacon"

Last Thursday night Dr. SlowEff and The Honorable Eff Jats were workin it at our weekly improv class when a fellow classmate shouted out a topic to be discussed in an exercise...that topic you ask? BACONNAISE- that's right mother effers, bacon flavored mayonaise is a real deal product and I cannot wait to hunt it down, stab...I mean spread it and eat it on just about everything. Not only is there BACONNAISE, but there is also BACONNAISE LITE, Bacon Salts, Lip Balms, and seasoning rubs all in the name and taste of BACON. A completely genius idea. Take two things that every red blooded american loves, mayo and bacon, breed them and out pops little baby baconnaise. Talk about fat kid paradise, you're telling me i can now make every sandwich taste like bacon with or without bacon.

With a revolutionary new product out there on the market, here are a few issues that I believe will be affected by Baconnaise.

War: how could anyone fight eachother when they are able to spread baconnaise on their sandwiches? Or, will baconnaise be coveted and fought over much like diamonds and oil?

Famine- Baconnaise could feed villages in africa i bet....I also bet, if consumed in large quantity it will stop hearts everywhere.

Disease- if you spread baconnaise on your wounds they heal and if you have a terminal illness, just eat baconnaise and poooof, gone are the tumors and sickness. As a Doctor I stand by this statement...pretty sure it "could" be true?

Economy- Baconnaise would probably create an entirely new sector of the commodities exchange with people trading in bacon bits, bacon salts and baconnaise rather than dollars and shares...I'll take 25,000 bacon bits of baconnaise stat.

Gun Control- Baconnaise would prevent people from holding guns because everyone's hands would be greased up with baconnaise. It may also lead to baconnaise fiends commiting more gun related crimes in attempts to get their fix.

J'ing O - eff the expensive moisturizers, lube it up with some baconnaise....or maybe just stick with moisturizers.

Sports- Clearly Nascar should have a baconnaise car sponsored and Golf should have the Baconnaise Open penciled into the tour schedule as well.

Politics- I sure hope this product will make parties on both sides of the aisle find common ground for the common good. Hell, Barack Obama is almost like Political Baconnaise, bringing all parties to the table to spread the goodness around.

I'll stop there...you get the picture and its tasty as hell.
Here is the link to the official founding site...visit for more info or to buy the baconnaise asap.
http://www.jdfoods.net/ourstory.php

SlowEff Cocktail Drink: A Sloe Comfortable Screw

A Sloe Comfortable Screw is a mixed drink made with Sloe Gin, Southern Comfort, Vodka and Orange Juice. It is typically served in a highball glass with ice. It is commonly made with equal parts of Sloe Gin, Southern Comfort, and Vodka, and either another part orange juice (for a shot) or enough orange juice to fill the glass (for a lighter cocktail). Ice is commonly added to the lighter version.


Name
The name Sloe Comfortable Screw is from the ingredients:

Sloe - Sloe Gin (pronounced like "slow")
Comfortable - Southern Comfort
Screw - Vodka and orange juice, which is a Screwdriver

Variations
The suggestive nature of the pun in the drink's name has invited many variations, extending the pun. A few examples are:

Sloe Comfortable Screw Against the Wall [6] - Floating a dash of Galliano on top turns the Screwdriver into a Harvey Wallbanger. Commonly served with a cherry.
Sloe Comfortable Screw Against the Wall, With a Kiss [7] - Adding a dash of Amaretto on top of the Galliano, adds a little amore ("love") - or a kiss.
Sloe Comfortable Screw Against The Wall With Satin Pillows The Hard Way [8] - Adding 1 part Galliano make it against the wall, 1 part Frangelico gives it satin. But 1 part whisky makes the satin into a soft pillow that hits you in the head (like it does in a Pillow Mint or a Pillow Biter) and makes it hard

Cheers

EFF Twitter, EFF This Guy, and EFF You if you TWEET

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....someone kick this man in his twitter. He's been "using" for 3 years.