Eff Jam: Miles Fisher "This Must Be The Place" Remix

Awesome-

BBQ is not a verb

After a long a week (and an even longer hiatus of zero posts), my roommate and I spent the last hour regailing stories of our weekend, and most importantly, how tasty our pulled pork sandwiches were. I went to Brother Jimmy's, he went to Hilton Head. He won. Here's a deliciously informative way to start your week.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ubTQfr_tyY

Open Letter to Sonia Sotomayor aka "The Wise Latina"

Dear Sonia,

Congrats on your nomination to the Supreme Court pending your confirmation. It looks like you will be the very first Latino on the bench and a very "Wise Latina" at that. I liken your knew found status to that of the "Crunch Wrap Supreme" hereafter referred to as "CWS". Much like the "CWS" you stood out on the "Taco Bell Menu/List of potential nominees" and as such, were more likely to be "ordered/nominated" by a "drive thru customer/Barack Obama" when the "old menu item/Justice Souter" was removed. As I search further through this "You/Crunch Wrap Supreme" analogy I continue to find startling comparisons. Just as the "CWS" brings a great deal to the eating table, you too, bring a great deal to the table at the confirmation hearings. Additionally, the "CWS" contains many ingredients and I qoute "A warm, soft, flour tortilla filled with seasoned beef, warm nacho cheese sauce, a crunchy tostada shell, reduced fat sour cream, lettuce and tomatoes and then wrapped up and grilled for maximum portability."--(tacobell.com menu)--You like the friggin human equivalent. You are a "warm,soft flour tortilla" (suggests empathy), filled with "seasoned beef" (you've been around the block). Throw in some "warm nacho cheese" (careful, you're nice but capable of a 'burning' decision) "a crunchy tostada shell" (you had a tough life growing up in the bronx and that has hardened you), some "reduced fat sour cream" (cause you're shaped like a pear and should 'eat smart') and top it off with "lettuce and tomatoes" (everyone needs some filler?). Oh and by the way, you're both a huge mess to clean up...oh snap. How crazy is that? That comparison did in fact JUST HAPPEN and I am currently patting myself on the back for seeing the "big picture/full menu" that is you, Sonia Sotomayor, the "wise latina", or rather, "The Crunch Wrap Supreme". Go Get Em Girl!


Roevs.Wadely,

Dr. SlowEFF



P.S. the taco bell analogy has nothing to do with the fact that you are a latina and may like "mexican-ish" food.

EFF Jam: My Dick

You may have heard this silly ass song on Entourage's season premiere. Let the weird halo music ride out for 10 seconds and then follow along with the lyrics as you experience "My Dick"

WNBA Star's Drunk Drive

Seriously?? I expect it in the NFL/NBA/MLB, but the WNBA? In a story likely to turn heads, the last "pure" professional sports league has incurred its first legal black eye. Diana Tirausi, 3 time NCAA Champion, Olympic Gold Medalist, and point guard for the 2007 WNBA Champion Phoenix Mercury was arrested for a DUI outside of Phoenix on July 2. Not only was it a DUI, but under Arizona law it was deemed an "Extreme DUI" since it's over twice the legal limit. What's next, Cheryl Swoopes caught soliciting prostitution? Lisa Leslie getting arrested with 20 tons of cocaine? Rebecca Lobo accidentaly shooting herself in the leg with an unregistered handgun after it fell from her sweatpants' elastic waistband in a NYC nightclub? Who knows? All I do know is that the WNBA just got a shitload more interesting and will hopefully add a little street cred to the league known for it's fans who drive Subaru Outbacks while listening to Tori Amos.

The Rub Down

Are you a chronic masturbator? Reverse Dry H-J's got you feeling down? Well cheer the eff up because we've got a product that can solve all your fore arm cramping needs. Whether you hammer your jammer and clicker your ticker constantly or you use poor form while typing at your computer the Forearm Pain Relief Massage by Hammacher Schlemmer will solve your cramping woes. With a sleek design concept The Forearm Pain Relief Massage is crafted for maximum comfort with a focus directly on your forearm.


Testimonials:

Tom Raudabaugh of Lansing, Michigan states: "I schlepper my pepper 13 times a day and before The Forearm Pain Relief Massage came around my arms were to weak to do anything else during the day. Now I can open cans of soda, stir cake batter and play toss with local neighborhood children. Thanks Forearm Pain Relief Massage."

Colette Stickles of E. Falmouth, MA says: " I realy enjoy manually stimulating myself...its like wicked awesome. Things weren't so wicked sweet when my form pains prevented me from reaching climax. Forearm Relief Message has helped work out those "Pesky Pole" cramps and now I'm back at it, clicking away at my mouse."

If you too are in need of some forearm relief here is the site with more information:

http://www.hammacher.com/publish/77310.asp?source=New06309&cm_ven=WC&cm_cat=20090702_New063&cm_pla=BYRNOTYHO&cm_ite=77310_The%20Forearm%20Pain%20Relief%20Massager


Thanks to Mr. Effietro for the product recommendation.

In Oda Ouscht

Vassup everyone? The long awaited, homo erotic film debut is upon us at last. For those who are not familiar with Bruno from Austria Gay T.V., go see the movie and get to know him. For those who have already been visually tea bagged by his antics on the Ali G Show....go get a second dose of visual bagging.

Check out this clip of the hottest baby shoot ever:




"Is your baby fine with lit phosphorous?"
"Yes"

Like, So Crazy....OK baby born at 12:34:56 on 07/08/09

Denis the "Numerically Correct New Born" was born at a time and date that runs consecutively from 1-9.....Ohhhhh My EFFFFFFFing Gawd.

And that is news peeps


http://www.koco.com/cnn-news/19998844/detail.html

Creepy Ways To Get Noticed

D here with another round of fill in the blanks!

Go ahead, make it as gay as it looks!

With the free agent signing of Ron Artest to the Lakers, Kobe recently commented on how he came to know of Artest's interest in the now-reigning NBA champions. Following the 08' Finals loss to the Celtics, Kobe stood alone in the shower, fuming over the beating he took by a bunch of C's. After hearing someone enter (most likely a teammate, towel boy, hooker maybe) Kobe looked up to see non-other than Mr. Ron "Melee" Artest! "I want to come help you," Artest said. "If I can, I'm going to find a way to come to LA and give you the help you need [to win a title]." Luckily, Kobe was already in the shower and was able to quickly clean off the shit that would have otherwise covered his pants, toweled off and got the hell out of there… That's one way to show you're interested - I know I'm all ears when standing ass naked and defenseless when confronted by a 260 lb dude with a short temper.

Following the impromptu "shower confessionals", Artest claimed that besides keeping his soapy promise to Kobe, he thinks that the Lakers need to be "hoodalized" http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/rumors/post/Artest-Lakers-need-to-be-hoodalized-?urn=nba,174693 … Perfect.

Meet Mr. Worst Last Name Ever

tough deal of the cards for Robert....and a hard sell to the ladies I imagine.

EFF Jam: Love Shack

A little old place where we can get together...and?

Michael Jackson Soundboard

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/soundboards/play/6253/

Have a ball with this...maybe block your cell number and prank call an old girlfriend and show her what kind of man you are.

Cops Buy Donut Shop.....hehehehe

The Clare Police Force purchased a struggling donut franchise successfully cutting out the middle man.

JB'ing

Post July 4th delayed birthday wishes to America...present to follow

Sarah Palin sucks...can't wait to see what this moose effer is going to do next...maybe take care of her special needs child like she should or maybe run for president? vomit

Elephants are used as begging leverage in Bangkok....i get it but i don't get it. http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/07/05/thailand.elephant.begging/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Air McNair- officially classified as a murder...officially unfortunate...officially unsafe to date young waitresses from Dave and Busters

I received an email that said nothing more than "Nail Straight, Fits Great, $78" I like the rhyming action but they could atleast tell me more about the product.

And this is just gold....gold turd I might add.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,529901,00.html?mep

Michael Jackson Memorial Today...R.I.P. MJ

EFF Jam: Weezer- Buddy Holly

First CD I ever bought--17 years ago...still a favorite

Open Letter: To The Most Interesting Man In The World

Dear Mr. Most Interesting Man In The World,

The first time I viewed your Dos Equis commercial I was enchanted. Let's just say you had me at "hello", a word you probably know in every language. You play Hi Li, you live vicariously through yourself and you once had an awkward moment just to see how it felt....boom, I'm sold on you and 100% interested. At the very end of the commercial, surrounded by hot chicks in a swanky lounge setting, you remind us all to "stay thirsty" and let me tell you, after hearing those tidbits about you I was thirsty as eff to learn more. Thank god there were follow up commercials with more extremely interesting facts about you...how you speak French in Russian, how you can disarm a man with your looks or your hands, how you don't carry credit cards because your personality is too magnetic and how your blood smells like cologne( hit me two times bitches). Next I find out that in addition to the stream of commercials that provide interesting information about you, there are also many short clips in which you address random interesting topics such as "careers", "red dresses", "those nuts", "packages", "grooming" and the importance of "life". Of course all these topics are discussed while you sit there with that beard of yours, the one that has "experienced more than a lesser man's body", yeah that's the one.

I mean what the eff man...you are the balls and the shaft and I absolutely want to be you. I'm not quite sure how I would go about it of course but I've started a personal exploratory committee, chaired by myself, to "explore" the possibility of becoming as interesting as you.

Is there anything that you just don't do or have yet to consider doing? Maybe taming lions, going back and getting a couple Doctorates in East Asian studies and Botany or achieving certification as a sommelier, I really don't know, but I'm confident you have a plan and you'll see it through. I'd have to say it is that last fact, the having a plan and seeing it through that I respect the most about you...you have lived a life daring to do new and "interesting" things and what's more, you accomplished those goals and continue to set out new ones. You are truly a maverick renegade and I applaud your life choice and take everything you say literally...also, dos equis is cool with me.

Sincerely,

Dr. Sloweff

P.S. will you be my sensei?

P.P.S what grade beard trimmer do you use?



and this one is just amaing "and then I taught a horse to read my emails" hahahaha

Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions

A little joint from Andy Samberg and Will Ferrell with a guest appearance by Paul Rudd. Pretty sure this was on the MTV Awards or maybe just made for them and scratched...would not know the answer to that as I did not watch. Soooooooo, here it effing is




The Sloweff Squad doesn't look at explosions...we might peek at them though just to get an idea.

Is 7 Inches Enough to Blow Your Mind?

In what seems to be an erotic pattern forming, Burger King's new Super Seven Incher sandwich was intended to "blow your mind away" and "fill your desire for something long, juicy [and flame grilled]". But apparently all it's done is start a sexy uproar over it's naughty print advertisement in Singapore.

Seems that some think the ad is "outlandish", going so far as saying "the American cheese on the sandwich seemed a little too white." Now that's outlandish… actually no, that's mayonnaise. But while Americans are scrambling to cover their PC asses in a last ditch effort to not piss off every country, Singaporeans like the campaign and apparently the 7 inches of flame grilled juicy goodness that comes with it. That's what she said. Might I remind you that this is Singapore we're talking about.

Recipe for Music Video Masterpiece

1 part Zach Galifianakis
1 part Kanye West
1 part air hump magic
1/2 pinch clog dancers
1/2 pinch folkster Will Oldham
1/4 pinch lip synch
Dash of corn field, cows, a red tractor, and a chainsaw

Filmed in 2007, this video was just a prelude to another fine performance by Mr. Galifianakis in "The Hangover". By the way, if you are living under a rock and have not yet seen it, go NOW. It is efftastic.

Coolest Burger Ever

This is easily the coolest burger ever


Made to look like the Nike Air Max 90...yummy

O's Big Comeback

Last night the Baltimore Orioles completed the biggest comeback of the organizations history overcoming a 9 run deficit against the first place Red Sox to win 11-10. The Orioles scored 5 in the 7th and 5 more in the 8th to seal the deal. This is not only the biggest comeback the Orioles have had since the 1956 season but its also the largest deficit overcome by a last place team against a first place team EVA. As a hopeless Orioles fan this is about as big a story as we can hope to have this year, hence the blog.

Special thanks to S. Eff. B for the historical stats referenced...lalalalalala

Here is the box score and article if anyone reading this is also an Orioles fan or has some remote interest in baseball history.

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/recap?gameId=290630101

EFF Jam: Phoenix Lizstomania

Cool little jam I heard on the radio...makes you want to tap your feet and that's always a good thing.

HAAHAHAAHAHAH

In case you can't fully see the ad, here is the break down.

A lady with heartburn needs something to sooth her chest pains so she turns to Gaviscon...takes the product, that as advertised, feels like "A Fireman Came In Your Mouth"- meaning it puts out the fire that heart burn caused. An issue of translation I suppose.

Here is the link if you want to get the full view.

http://adhack.com/community/blog/james-sherrett/gaviscon-its-fireman-came-your-mouth