Gothic Kitty

I love Pennsylvania. Seems a woman from the Scranton/Wilke-Barre area has been piercing little kittens and cats in the ears and necks in an effort to market them as "Goth." Makes me giggle so hard...despite the awful nature of the act.

She's been charged with animal cruelty and will most likely spend time getting her "kitty" "pierced" in jail by the inmates.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/14/holly-crawfords-pierced-cats-cruelty_n_876781.html

Beaver ATTACK...OMEFFG

HAHAHAHAHAHA:

insert hilarity/sexual innuendo wherever you'd like. beavers are eating couples and little girls. The Philly creek system is loaded with these little guys and they don't care who they "munch."

P.S. they have rabies...not a "nbd"...more like a series of shots to the abdomen to remove the virus and prevent foaming of the mouth.

http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/weird/123066703.html

Open Letter to the "Car Effer": Wow

Dear "Car Effer",




I totally respect sexual orientation. I also respect an appreciation or passion for the things most important in one's life. BANGING OUT YOUR VW BEETLE IS UNNACCEPTABLE.

Let's start this off with a quote to get the ball rolling:

"There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs loving."

I would love to know where you wedge your pud...the gas tank? the exhaust tip? between the armrest? where the seats fold down? under the flip down vanity mirror? HHHWERE AND HHWHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THESE VEHICLES?

This situation brings a whole new meaning to "drive-in" movies. Do you ever just lay back and let the car take charge? Are there new sexual postitions like the "reverse dry rack and pinion steering" or "congress of the AM/FM radio?"

How does a relationship work and when does it come to an end? Have you ever been scorned or wronged by a car that Effed another lover? Do you dump cars when they "depreciate in value?" Do you look back on a '89 Camaro and say, "that was my great white buffalo...the one that got away."
Dammit, how do you even know the difference between a guy car and a girl car? do you check under the hood for that sort of thing? EFFFF my head hurts thinking about all this.

I realize this is far less a letter and far more a ridiculous take on 20 questions but I just cannot get my car around this "auto-erotic" thing you've got going.

I'm going to leave this here as I'm speechless and out of questions. Good luck boning cars you weird eff.

Yours Truly,

Dr. Sloweff
here's the link to the story further wow factor.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/2000899/Man-admits-having-sex-with-1000-cars.html

Listen UP Monrovers My Name Is Brandon St. Randy

too funny

I Effing Love Soda

Special thanks to sloweff field reported Sir Effeo2 on this amazing story.

You can actually get high off soda...like OMEFFG! It seems a man who does not even get high (sure) has created a soft drink infused with THC. There are flavors to match coca cola, dr. pepper, orange crush, mt. dew and grape soda. This guy is like the marijuana equivalent of the guy who created post it effin notes as far as I'm concerned.

Big shout out to the Honorable EFF Jats who is currently in Amsterdam doing field research on this product line in a variety of coffee shops. Let's hope he checks in and provides feed back from the marijuana mecca.

Here is the link to the website as well as an msnbc story on the new "product line"


http://www.drinkcannacola.com/

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41232607/ns/business-consumer_news/

HOLY EFF JAM

Awesome

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pidokakU4I

Oh My Sweet EFF, My Zodiac Sign Changed?

So there is some hot, hot chatter "trending" (hate that term) regarding a recent shift in Zodiac signs. As you can imagine this has caused quite a stir among the astrologically inclined, singles looking for ideal matches, people who have "sweet" zodiac tats and probably a little bit of Chinese history as well.

Now I won't say I follow my "sign" daily or place a great deal of worth in what it says but I certainly do enjoy checking it from time to time and if it says something P-tarded like "love is in the air and this month will be a financial success" you can bet your sweet ass I walk around with my fingers and toes crossed up for good luck.

The reality of this astrological nightmare is that there is no need to fear. The signs have only shifted if you adhere to the eastern styled sidereal zodiac. As westerners we follow the tropical zodiac and as such have no need for drastic life alterations. So if you have a shit tatoo that depicts your sign or you just recently lined up a date with your most compatible astrological opposite, never fear...the stars come out in the sky each night, all is well.

http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2011/01/13/no-your-zodiac-sign-hasnt-changed/?hpt=C2

Sarah Palin Just Farted.

She totes just farted. Look at her face...seriously, if that's not a post fart nervous grin i don't know what is.

Urgent Additional Katy Perry Analysis

I have just been informed by a sloweff reader that a fatal flaw exists in my katy perry analysis. In my seemingly well thought out breakdown of Ms. Perry's body of work I carelessly overlooked two "deal breakers" if you will. I simply cannot stand idle knowing the absence of two "essential hits" could sway my affection for KP...it wouldn't be right.

So:

Teenage Dream and California Girls are on the board and are currently playing on a loop while this horrific error is addressed.

Upon close of the last post the score stood at 1-3 in dis-favor of Ms. Perry. The addition of these two songs could very easily flip the switch, mount a comeback, eff shit up and even alter the world as we know it...it's poss but not obvi.

Teenage Dream: hell, i'd be an ass if I attempted to deny the high school whimsy this song evokes. If you can't recall that wild high school emotion from the good old teenage days than i truly feel sorry for you. There are few things one experiences in life that compare to the wonderful world of a teenage romance. I feel absolutely no need to argue this song any further. A teenage dream is a teenage dream and whether you're 15 or 50 the excitement you feel is simply the "tits." Score one for Ms. Perry...it's now 2-3.

California Gurls: Analysis of this song tears my heart in every direction. First off, it features snoop and that's always a plus. IN addition, it's about california girls and as a resident of San Diego I would be stuffed full of high grade bullshit if i were to deny the reality that is a "california girl." I definitely react to this song when I hear it but with far less intensity as I might for Ms. Perry's "kissed a girl" or "if we ever meet again" with timbo. I guess what I'm trying to say is it just does not "light a fire" within me and unfortunately that's a fatal flaw for a song as I see it. I'd love to give a point in favor of Ms. Perry here but I can't force what doesn't feel right.

Final Score is 2-4...despite a late push with "teenage dreams" Ms. Perry was unable to win over my full fledged support. She'll have to prove her worth as time moves forward if I am ever to declare myself a "fan."

Open Letter To Katy Perry: We Have Both Kissed Girls and Liked It

Dear Katy,

I'm writing to you for a very specific reason. I was recently asked point blank, "do you like katy perry?" Initially I stuttered and found myself lacking any opinion and truly at a loss for words (a phenomenon that rarely occurs). I was informed that the debate over you and your music had created a divide amongst four siblings and in the course of said debate, two pro "katyperriers" made the argument that i would like you. It would seem a statement such as that would end any debate whatsoever. I have, for the last 5 years, been considered the pre-eminent scholar on all things "YOU" and so we now stand at this fateful crossroads. "Do I effing like you?" Discuss!

Well Katy I feel it's best to start with the beginning...much like the bible and any good book, it's crucial to absorb the entirety of the situation before making any full fledged commitments or offerings of support.

You came out the blocks with the hot, edgy, not, not Lesbo ballad "i Kissed a girl and i liked it."




A creative marketing ploy to say the least. This song put you out there as someone who was fresh and fearless when it came to speaking your mind/deep soul kissing same sex individuals. I could instantly relate to the lyrics as they pumped aggressively in my mode of transportation. I felt a bond building as I realized I have also kissed (a) girls and I also liked it. I mean OmEFFG Katy...did you just say "Jon Stamos?" because i think we just became best friends.
NOT SO EFFING FAST!

Your next song "hot and cold" sucked...it sounded much like your debut, the above mentioned track, and demonstrated a "boxed" Hollywood lack of creativity. If I'm feeling hot and that song comes on I am instantly cold. If I had been fist pumping pre-that song coming on I am almost immediately disinterested and it's highly probable I've gone to "secretly" throw up in the bathroom.

As it stands after two songs the score is 1 to 1. HMMM, let's dig a little deeper.

I want to be very clear that as I now write this I am blasting a 4 song play list containing nothing but you're music. It's both research and inspiration...maybe a little weak spot for top 40's pop music on the side as well.

The collaboration you and Timbaland put out, "if we ever meet again" in late spring/early summer of 2010 is easily my bottom bitch( for those who don't know...this means my top money earner if I happened to be a pimp..it's a good thing) where you and your body of work is concerned. I have danced to this song fully clothed and fully lacking clothes. I have fist pumped to the moon and back while enjoying this song. HOWEVER, it's a Timbaland track and that essentially guarantees success. Moreso, It's him featuring you and not you featuring him...another one bites the dust. I can in no way knock this song but I can't in good conscience give you the points on this one.

The score now stands at 1 for and 2 against.

Last but not least is your latest release. "Fireworks" will be the deciding factor in this super hot, pop cultural debate. I realize there is an even number of songs being judged and as such the possibility of a tie is in the cards...however, a tie is a loss in this game and a side/opinion/last word will be given.

As i now bop my head to and fro to the beat of "fireworks" I feel desperately unsure of myself. I "semi-heart" the inspiring mantra the song promotes. I have often imagined myself as a firework blasting across the sky...etc and as such I am unable to say "i don't like that song." However, this song, much like "hot and cold" lacks any effort. For that reason alone I am forced to score another one against you. This leaves the final tally at 1-3.

As a doctor and as a friend/potential follower on twitter/aspiring 27 year old not not teen pop artist, I feel compelled to offer you my diagnosis and a prescription to get you back on track.

Step outside the effing box with your beats and catchy lyrics. Take a break from this pre-packaged "jumpy mcJam Jam" shenanigans and explore your more creative sides (if they do in fact exist). If you could find it within yourself to revert back to the edgy/counter cult/betty page looking Katy Perry who not only kissed girls but kissed them and liked it I assure you there will be success in your future. It might also be beneficial for you to consult your husband Russell Brand. He's "like totally hilarious" as far as im concerned and he always provides ridiculous hits via his alter ego Aldus Snow in the movies he appears. As he sings, "inside you," is where you need to be looking.

In conclusion, and upon thorough review of your 4 more popular songs, I have "kissed your music, and i did not like it" and I'm a firm believer in the power of a kiss.

REgardless:



as a side note...this video makes abso-effin-lutley no sense to me. I mean jewel thiefs? Is that the asian chick from wayne's world? I thought this song was about running into a past love not jacking a sweet old ladies "family jewels."

Dr. Sloweff: Back in the Building

So long long sebatics from basements to attics. No writing or posts just the doctor and ghosts. It's back on the boogie, not splenda but suggie, not knight but the day, shots right so I play.

San Di-effing-Ego: the home and the playground from which the posts now flutter. Coming new in "2K Levs" will be a section entitled "People Are Effing Awesome" with a focus on levels of awesomeness people have attained and also the lack thereof. In addition, there will be a good bit of VLoggin coming straight outta compton with thoughts and general life advice from my southern 60 year old alter ego "Miss Alice"...this is sure to be a hit as Miss Alice pulls no punches and shoots from the hip and has recently been compared to a female equivalent of Glenn Beck (who sucks balls) so you know it's good to goodie.

Bottom line is this...the Squad took a break for slow, slow effery, body building and creative rejuvenation. Now we're back and this time around we'll be bigger than ever in Canada...maybe even one of the new Sudan's (finger's crossed).

I leave you with this video as a brief but explanatory gift...a teaser, a lip wetter, a pump fake, an in out in out, a just the tip on top of an ouch ouch you're on my hair. i believe some call it a preview.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MLqoiOcjYg

and this

http://www.youtube.co/watch?v=v_habakm5sw

IFYOURENOTEFFINGFASTYOUREEFFINGSLOWLY,

Dr. Sloweff