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Despite high-class eateries at the brand new Target Field, one hungry Yankee fan was forced to make due with what is available at last night's game

In The News

Obama selected a random tranny with a law degree for the soon-to-be vacant Supreme Court seat. Similar to American Idol's selection of Ellen DeGeneres, Obama liked her "openness" and expects her to make every defendent feel like they're a winner despite the verdict.

Michael Bolton has officially hit rock bottom, asking asylum escapee Lady Gaga for help on writing songs for his new album "One World, One Heart". Just picture "When a Man Loves a Woman" to the beat of "Bad Romance". Groovy

Immigrant Governator makes a funny saying, "I was also going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend, but with my accent I was afraid they would try to deport me."

Filipinos are taking a cue from the Californian blueprint, voting the strong man on the picture box for Congress with the hopes of attracting massive debt and generic pretentious women who don't work but get paid to be fake on camera with frenemies!

Senior "Shoots" 6-Under on Front 9, DQ'd on 14th Hole

Notre Dame Marketing major, Annie Brophy, says "It probably wasn't my best idea" when questioned about reporting false scores this weekend at the NCAA Central Regional. Despite shooting well over 30 on the front 9, her reported score of 6-under had put the Notre Dame team in contention to qualify for the NCAA Championship, forcing 3 other teams to hang around in case of a playoff. "I had no idea my individual score would mess so much with team scores," she said. She's scheduled to graduate next week, proving once and for all, Marketing isn't a real major.

Crack Is Cool!

Well not really. It's terribly addictive and can lead to shady activity. But in comparison to rape, it's right up there with peeing your pants. But as we all know, everyone's favorite leg-breaking linebacker Lawrence Taylor was a bit of a crack fiend... which has led to shady activity... like having sex with a 15 year-old runaway-turned hooker. The girl, who was treated for injuries related to being punched in the face, was brought to a Ramapo, NJ Holiday Inn by a pimp. Yada yada yada, LT is now being charged with 3rd degree rape. Why 3rd degree? Was it less rapey because she was beaten into going by her pimp? Or is it because she's a hooker, but an underage hooker, so it's kind of her profession, but at this age she doesn't really know what she wants? Better question: Where's the pimp in all of this? The way I see it, maybe he should be catching some jail time for taking in 15 year-old runaways and beating them into sleeping with unknowning hall-of-famers (I use "unkowning" lightly, as we all know, everyone thinks the girl was 18 after the fact). But what kind of pimp would he be if he was getting arrested for pimpin'? Every good pimp knows not to get arrested, that was lesson 1 on the first day of pimpology 101. This was day 2: