NOM NOM NOM

Despite high-class eateries at the brand new Target Field, one hungry Yankee fan was forced to make due with what is available at last night's game

In The News

Obama selected a random tranny with a law degree for the soon-to-be vacant Supreme Court seat. Similar to American Idol's selection of Ellen DeGeneres, Obama liked her "openness" and expects her to make every defendent feel like they're a winner despite the verdict.

Michael Bolton has officially hit rock bottom, asking asylum escapee Lady Gaga for help on writing songs for his new album "One World, One Heart". Just picture "When a Man Loves a Woman" to the beat of "Bad Romance". Groovy

Immigrant Governator makes a funny saying, "I was also going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend, but with my accent I was afraid they would try to deport me."

Filipinos are taking a cue from the Californian blueprint, voting the strong man on the picture box for Congress with the hopes of attracting massive debt and generic pretentious women who don't work but get paid to be fake on camera with frenemies!

Senior "Shoots" 6-Under on Front 9, DQ'd on 14th Hole

Notre Dame Marketing major, Annie Brophy, says "It probably wasn't my best idea" when questioned about reporting false scores this weekend at the NCAA Central Regional. Despite shooting well over 30 on the front 9, her reported score of 6-under had put the Notre Dame team in contention to qualify for the NCAA Championship, forcing 3 other teams to hang around in case of a playoff. "I had no idea my individual score would mess so much with team scores," she said. She's scheduled to graduate next week, proving once and for all, Marketing isn't a real major.

Crack Is Cool!

Well not really. It's terribly addictive and can lead to shady activity. But in comparison to rape, it's right up there with peeing your pants. But as we all know, everyone's favorite leg-breaking linebacker Lawrence Taylor was a bit of a crack fiend... which has led to shady activity... like having sex with a 15 year-old runaway-turned hooker. The girl, who was treated for injuries related to being punched in the face, was brought to a Ramapo, NJ Holiday Inn by a pimp. Yada yada yada, LT is now being charged with 3rd degree rape. Why 3rd degree? Was it less rapey because she was beaten into going by her pimp? Or is it because she's a hooker, but an underage hooker, so it's kind of her profession, but at this age she doesn't really know what she wants? Better question: Where's the pimp in all of this? The way I see it, maybe he should be catching some jail time for taking in 15 year-old runaways and beating them into sleeping with unknowning hall-of-famers (I use "unkowning" lightly, as we all know, everyone thinks the girl was 18 after the fact). But what kind of pimp would he be if he was getting arrested for pimpin'? Every good pimp knows not to get arrested, that was lesson 1 on the first day of pimpology 101. This was day 2:

Craigslist Wants to Help...

Tune Your God Damn Piano

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Date: 2010-02-12, 4:52PM EST

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For christ's sake people, just let me tune your god damn piano, do the both of us a favor. I'm the best in the whole god damn city, I swear to christ. You can ask any one of my clients at any given time, email me and ask me for a list. I'll make that fucker SING. Hell, you pay me a little extra and I'll make YOU sing too. Na i'm kidding, that's a little joke there. Nothing sexual, just piano tuning. Email me and I'll come the fuck over, tune your fucking piano, take your money, then be on my merry old motherfuckin way.
You want the shitfuckin thing tuned? Fine. Call me. I'll tune it. Done. Just like that.

All of Manhattan or Brooklyn. Don't fucking call me if you're in Queens or Hoboken.

$80 for grand and upright pianos
$100 for spinet upright pianos (because they are way goddamn harder)

What'd You Do This Weekend?

Drinking

Do you ever drink so much you can't sit still? Of course you have. We all have. If you haven't, try it. If you don't drink, screw you, stop judging me. Depth perception is a fun reality to fight when you're this drunk, as this gentleman has so adequately demonstrated for us.



Now you might be thinking, "wow, what a total ass hammer this guy is, he can't put his shoes on", and you'd be right.

Superman Plays for Fordham

Please keep your eye on the man (out of screen, on first base)

Kownacki leaps over the catcher @ Yahoo! Video

International Relations

Have you ever heard the expression "Don't Mess With Texas"?



Guangdong forward Du Feng just found out why.

Here's the English translation:
"Chinese player gingerly rubbed heads with opponent and got knocked out."

Now here's the Engrish version:
"In the last minute of the game, a boxing fan Chongjinchangnei Charles, causing a serious course of conflict and confusion. Du Feng temple and beaten unconscious oxygen boxing fans riot Charles cited."

90's week (revisted)

After watching Can't Hardly Wait and Dead Man on Campus, I decided to root through some of my middle school/high school mixtapes that I made off the radio. Back then the internet was just a baby and only good for starting chat room fights and lying about the size of my junk to a 36 year old pedephile posing as a 16 year old from Michigan with 32DDs. Here's one of my treasures.

Fat Chick Riding Mechanical Bull

And now a video of a plus size woman getting tossed from a bull

American Hero Turned Hardened Criminal

George Washington never told a lie. He also never returned his library books. That's right. The first US president has racked up 220 years of late fees for two books he checked out from the New York Society Library, New York's oldest library.

Hillary Duff: Down For/On Her Man

In a recent string of pictures captured by a very sneaky photog and then posted on Barstoolsports.com, Ms. Hillary Duff was caught being proposed to, accepting said proposal, crying and then snapping a cell phone snippet to show her friends and fam. More importantly, she was then caught graciously felattio-ing her appreciative fiance. There are apparently four words a girl likes to say, those being, "he went to Jared." Well I say eff that because there are five words every guy loves to say, those being, "she went down on me." Here's the link below.












http://boston.barstoolsports.com/random-thoughts/hillary-duff-teaches-all-girls-how-to-handle-getting-engaged/

Open Letter to Michael Buble: Am I Gay For Enjoying Your Songs?

Dear Michael,

I don't know all that much about you. I am aware that you are a well known singer songwriter, famous for songs such a "Save The Last Dance" and "I'm Your Man". Aside from this I really have no idea where to place you, at least I didn't until recently. While watching an episode of SNL in my bed late one night I was suddenly forced upright when you came on to perform your latest musical number, "Haven't Met You Yet." I was instantly overcome with emotion, joy, wonder and feelings of love. Maybe it was your lyrics speaking to me as you explained that you've "broken your heart so many times you stopped keeping count" or your encouraging mantra of somehow "I know that it will all turn out, you'll make me work so we can work to work it out", or maybe it was just my love for songs with horns and shit. Regardless, I became an instant fan of this song. I listen to it while driving the lovely and romantic beach front roads of sunny California. I listen to it while I shower in the morning. I listen to it when I occasionally do sit ups in my apartment. Bottom line is this, I listen to it...a lot and I don't feel gay as in homosexual gay but rather, I feel gay, like really really happy gay, when I hear this song. I was also comforted by the fact that you performed on the Colbert Report, a show not known for being G-A-Y. All in all I'm so very grateful for my recent discovery of your music and I will give a good faith investigation into your other songs...eventually. For now I guess I happy knowing that I have met you and in that I can see it will all work out.

I Want to Share My Sweet Chili Sauce With You

Eff SATC2, the most anticipated sequel of the year premiered last week during the 2010 Olympic Winter Games. As you may or may not recall, back in December of 2008 we learned of one of the most delicious love triangles in the history of time. In short, this woman felt the need to flaunt her affinity for juicy, tender pieces of love in front of her smooth singing jilted lover. After much speculation of "Dippin" on him, our forlorned songster finally confirms that his stingy boo has been enjoying another's savory 100% all white meat and not letting him in on any of the action.

Well, good news, after a year of seemingly intense couples therapy, it seems as though the C has finally learned how to share. In an upbeat, more rhythimc chapter of this spicy love story, nay sweet and spicy love story, the woman returns- this time, with enough to satisfy her hungry mans.