AAARGH, I get it, you have total shit for opportunity in your homeland. As a result you intend to find your fortunes on the high seas hijacking giant cargo ships and attempting to get ransom for the contents and sailors who are aboard. I am accepting of this basic formula because it is a modernized version of the "Old School" pirating ways....Going after anyone who has shit that can then become your shit...novel idea really. Where I really hold my gripes though, Somalis, is in the rest of your Pirate game...its weak at best and I won't stand for it any longer. Consider this letter a crash course in pirating called "Arrrrgh, Being a Pirate 101"
Lesson One: Dressing like a Pirate.
A Pirate is a scoundrel and a scallywag and he dresses like one. Note the large pirate hat, long flowing pirate hair, pirate jewels from his vast booty, a swashbuckler's sword and a cape. If you are a hard core pirate and have lost a leg to a cannon ball, a hand to an alligator or an eye in a knife fight, not to worry, there are plenty of cool Pirate accessories that will not only make life with such injuries more adaptable but also enhance your Pirate persona and image as well. leg to cannon ball= peg leg...this says you've been around the block and aren't afraid to get hit in the leg with a cannon ball...ballsy indeed
hand to an alligator- hook hand...this says step aside Steve Irwin, i fox with gators on the reg.
eye in a knife fight- eye patch...this says...yeah i have one eye and I'm about to take yours
You jackasses on the other hand do not look piratey at all in your sweat shirts and head wraps and tattered pants...where is the creative value in your craft Somalis? What's with your shades man, is that an attempt at a double eye patch? Are you to good for a talking parrot? Are you holding an Effing walky talky man...what happend to a good old fashion "Ahoy matey"?The second part of this lesson deals with your "piratey things."
Lesson Two: Uh, Get your Pirate On!
Ships- You have beat ass boats that look like you went to a scrap yard and bolted pieces of sheet metal together. Would it kill you to build a nice solid wooden ship with skulls on the mast and a mermaid carved into the head of the ship...no, no it wouldn't.
Weapons- grenade launchers, ak's and bazookas are not very piratey and depsite your ability to modernize the ways of a pirate I will not tolerate such shenanigans. You guys should have pistols, cannons facing off on each side of the ship and swords with gold hand protectors. How can I take you seriously as a pirate when you're coming out guns blazing like Iraqi insurgents?...the answer is, I cannot.
Treasure- You guys are going after massive effing cargo ships and attempting to hold them ransom...while i acknowledge holding people for ransom as a "piratey thing" I cannot accept the lack of "plank walking", putting people in boxes with scorpions and the general lack of treasure chests...no X marks the spot? you gotta be kidding me.
Here is an instructional video I made for you to reference some of the issues discussed in this lesson.
YO HO, YO HO, A Pirates life for me.
Dr. SlowEff
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