Matthew McConaughey: You SonofaBitch

Open letter to Matthew McConaughey...to be read in his voice

Dear Matthew,

Let me start by saying I do not hate you. On many levels I am envious of your super hot wife/gf/baby momma, your bank accounts and your beach ready physique (i could have the same if i tried). I am not and have never been, however, a fan of your Rom Com shit genre films. Clap, Clap, you've truly found your niche. You make horrible films with hot Hollywood leading ladies that involve little more than you being an immature, successful bachelor, in search of the woman who will finally tame you. Often times your plots involve bets, or games of chance in which you will plunge competitively into an affair with a "tough minded" damsel...along the way finding true love, losing it due to stubborn ways and then regaining what was lost in a closing make out scene along a pier, sun drenched beach or hoakie down south bar. It would be interesting to see where your career would have headed if you would have continued to select movies with depth, more along the lines of A Time To Kill, a film I found you to be excellent in. Alas, this is not the case and your latest film, "Ghost of Girlfriends Past" is evidence of this. It seems you have wooed Jennifer Garner (hot but has big ears) into your latest love web. In this film you will have a "Scrooge-esque" experience in which you travel back in time to view just how big a Douche Scrote you were to your ex girlfriends, all the while having your aged perspective to gaze back and realize the mistakes you made, the women you loved and lost. I hope there will be a "tiny tim" like character to remind you of your blessings and show you the lighted path as you attempt to regain "the one who got away".....

Holy shit...its as if lightening struck as I was drafting this letter. I have already mentioned that I do not hate you but, rather I hate your movies...now as I break them down, I find that you really do have it figured out. Your characters are living the lives many men would kill for, you make shit rom com movies that girls and some people like, you nail hot chicks in said movies, lived in an astro van by the beach, workout with lance armstrong, crush a super hottie, play bongos naked while smoking pot and you're turbo rich....Matthew, I apologize...If having the Hollywood life figured out counts for anything, you're pretty much the man.

xoxo,

Dr. SlowEff