Holy Effing Hipsters Batman! (Part 2)

With halloween around the corner, let the smooth sounds of screeching men with too many keyboards and synthesizers woo you into their creative tranz.



Speaking of batman, how bout robin's hog? oof!

Sheriffs Office Decides to Play Wii Instead of Find Wiid

Great video of a team of Sheriff's deputies "executing" a search warrant. Over the course of 9 hours the officers racked up strikes instead of arrests. Another reason you should do this.

Assholes Of The Day

Despite pumping in over 100,000 people into the new Cowboys Stadium, Jerry Jones couldn't make them watch it live. Not even the guys standing on the field 15 feet from the play. No, America's love for TV runs deeper than football. Who can blame them though, especially when your TV is 50 feet tall and stretches 60 yards wide.

Holy Effing Hipsters Batman: New Matt and Kim Video

Just Wonderful

spanks osh mcgosh for this little tidbit

IN THE CAN

its all about the Can....nothing like anal sex subtleties to sell lime flavored beer.

EFF Jam: T. I "Wants Joe Biden, He Needs Joe Biden"

makes me giggle

90's Week

One more for good measure

90's Week

Have you seen the new ipod commercials? You know the one where PC is getting into shape? Can't think of where that crotchety old man trainer is from?

Does this look familiar?

No, this isn't Eli Manning's 2019 roster photo. It's the best non-ninja turtle movie from the early 90's. Necessary Roughness was the bomb Ts. Based off the 1987 SMU recruitment scandal that resulted in the NCAA "death penalty", this movie had cameos by Jerry Rice, Chris Berman, Herschel Walker and Evander Holyfield (?). What else are you looking for? It's just like "The Replacements" with a QB who also traveled through time and space. But the kicker isn't Welsh. She's Irish. Winner.

90's Week

This one is for my mom - she's always been so proud of my breakthrough performance in this video



I moved to hollywood and did some acting, but can't shake the GD bee suit!

90's Week

Sticking with the swampy theme



you know what's not swampy? My ass. Suck it, global warming. You had a good run, but make way for the next ice age.
Luckily, I'm prepared.

90's Week

It's 90's week here at Slow Eff. Why? Cause I've been granted access to post on the site and nobody else is paying attention. So without further adeu, I present to you my first video - the Toadies, a beautiful song of murder and the swampy cover up.

Yo Jimmy Dean, What The EFF?

As you will find out after listening to the gentleman's complaint call to Jimmy Dean, they have really gone and back doored the consumer.

Dear Jimmy,

Your recent switch from a 16 oz sausage role to a 12 oz sausage roll is wreaking havoc on a family with a net weight in excess of 1,000 lbs...don't you consider this shit when you make such crafty marketing changes Jimmy? I mean really, the three men alone top out at around 650 lbs, plus a "plump, stocky woman" and a 13 year old girl in the midst of puberty and crucial growth years...they clearly require a more hearty serving of sausage at breakfast. How does it feel to be directly responsible for effing with an obese families breakfast desires? He's been a GD self proclaimed lover of your meats for almost 30 years for eff sake. If someone had been loving my meats for that long you certainly wouldn't find me going out and skimping back on my beef and upsetting a meat lover in the process. Did you think the customer would be willing to compensate with additional fried eggs or an extra T-bone steak you dumb eff? Jimmy, this man is from Texas where everything is apparently bigger and as a result he's sure as eff going to be keen to the size of things. Did you think he wouldn't notice when you go and pull this kind of crap in the dark of the night in grocery aisles everywhere? What the EFF?

"Save money, save money...fuck I want to eat God Dammit"

Oh, Ohh, Ohhhh, OHHHHHHHHHHHHH

A freight truck in London, Ontario recently blew its load full of condoms allllll over the road when it tipped. The driver explained he was close to the drop off location when all of a sudden he "lost control"....hehehe. The headline says it all.

Dr. Dre, Dr. Pepper, Dr. Sloweff....Eff jam

Dr. Dre agrees, slower is better



"Falling Back on that ass"



west coast time

Summer of 95: Where Were You?

If you were me, you were hanging out watching channel 96 THE BOX. This wasn't scrambled porn. No, that was channel 73. This was the better MTV back when MTV played music. It was TRL before Carson Daly ever had a job or black nail polish. And my friends and I sat around day after day saying, "God I hope they play Skee Lo!"

To all my homies...

I Wish Skee lo
by oublierleracismeskyblog

Minnie Mouse Molested, Told to Stop Being Such a Slut

In obscure cartoon groping news, a 60 year old Pennsylvanian grandfather (big surprise) has been arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery after repeatedly grabbing a Disney World employee's T's and A. Photo evidence can be seen below:


The defense argues that the man was on vacation, "just trying to have a good time." And why not? I'm sure we've all been part of a groping or two on vacation (see Daytona Beach SB '98), all this guy was doing was trying to relive the glory days. Plus, if you ask me, Minnie was so asking for it.

Perhaps the best part about finding this article was not the actual story, but the "Disney Related" articles found on the page, like a story from '07 when Tigger punched a kid, and more recently, a Sex Arrest Made at Typhoon Lagoon.

Where Are They Now?

Kristin Cavallari.
In 2004, you stole the hearts of everyone, despite the whole "she's 17" thing. And as quickly as you ran into my life, you were gone just as fast. The Original LC had been replaced by the actual LC and life went on. And a couple of years ago, you had a great cameo on Adventures in Hollyhood when Juicy J tried to J on your Juicys. Then nothing. But now you're going back to your ace in the hole, The Hills. Thank God. I can't wait.


Now for all of you out there saying to yourself, "but what about Audrina? That poor girl is getting thrown out like yesterdays trash." Don't worry, after her tasteful topless photos were leaked to the press and published on every news outlet, she apparently has caught the eye of a very reputable movie director. This October, you can see her in Sorority Row, where she plays the part of the dead girl that comes back to life and murders her friends one by one. Cross your fingers that this isn't foreshadowing.

Don't Rush The Stage

Or Keith Richards will beat your ass. Noted.

I'll Drink You Under The Table

It would take 25409 bottles of O'Douls to kill me

Created by Bar Stools

What Women Want

If you can't read the minds of women like Mel Gibson, I'll let you in on a little secret - women like gifts. Now any jerk off can buy a girl flowers or jewelry. But that doesn't involve any thought and it's the thoughtful gifts that pay off. So this year, I've done the leg work of thoughtfulness for you.
You're welcome.

In the News

LOCAL:
New Yorker Trina Thompson is suing Monroe College (the ITT Tech of NYC) for $70,000 because she hasn't found a job in the past 3 months since graduation. When life gives you lemons, sue the shit out of someone with money. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32265981/ns/us_news-weird_news/

NATIONAL:
The tool bag who lost a tool bag in outerspace last November can breathe easy tonight. After 8 months of chillin in space, the $100,000 bag of nuts and C clamps has finally returned to Earth! And burned up while entering the atmostphere... great success!
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,536684,00.html

SPORTS:
Nobody wants Micheal Vick... wait what? And apparently there was an Arena Football League that nobody watched? Well they're bankrupt now, so I'm definitely not watching. Especially if it conflicts with real gridiron action. Like the LFL. Hi.... yo.

Should've Seen It Coming

So Señor Eff Jats, the Dr. and I agreed to split a room for a wedding this past weekend. It was a minimum 3 night stay and you better believe we took full advantage of it. 3 friends, for 3 nights in a place by a lake which is inhabited by either the deaf, the heaviest of sleepers, or nobody at all. After 3 glorious days and nights of binge drinking and other related shenanigans (with a glorious wedding wedged in the middle), we went to sleep in our respective beds last night riding on cloud 9. And woke up feeling like someone had just beaten 7 shades of shit out of me. It was awful. I couldn't understand what had happened. Then I remembered the blackout dinner we had the night before we left. Ahhh... Lesson learned.

I learned another lesson today too... Don't trust your friends when your blindfolded.

Eff Jam: Miles Fisher "This Must Be The Place" Remix

Awesome-

BBQ is not a verb

After a long a week (and an even longer hiatus of zero posts), my roommate and I spent the last hour regailing stories of our weekend, and most importantly, how tasty our pulled pork sandwiches were. I went to Brother Jimmy's, he went to Hilton Head. He won. Here's a deliciously informative way to start your week.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ubTQfr_tyY

Open Letter to Sonia Sotomayor aka "The Wise Latina"

Dear Sonia,

Congrats on your nomination to the Supreme Court pending your confirmation. It looks like you will be the very first Latino on the bench and a very "Wise Latina" at that. I liken your knew found status to that of the "Crunch Wrap Supreme" hereafter referred to as "CWS". Much like the "CWS" you stood out on the "Taco Bell Menu/List of potential nominees" and as such, were more likely to be "ordered/nominated" by a "drive thru customer/Barack Obama" when the "old menu item/Justice Souter" was removed. As I search further through this "You/Crunch Wrap Supreme" analogy I continue to find startling comparisons. Just as the "CWS" brings a great deal to the eating table, you too, bring a great deal to the table at the confirmation hearings. Additionally, the "CWS" contains many ingredients and I qoute "A warm, soft, flour tortilla filled with seasoned beef, warm nacho cheese sauce, a crunchy tostada shell, reduced fat sour cream, lettuce and tomatoes and then wrapped up and grilled for maximum portability."--(tacobell.com menu)--You like the friggin human equivalent. You are a "warm,soft flour tortilla" (suggests empathy), filled with "seasoned beef" (you've been around the block). Throw in some "warm nacho cheese" (careful, you're nice but capable of a 'burning' decision) "a crunchy tostada shell" (you had a tough life growing up in the bronx and that has hardened you), some "reduced fat sour cream" (cause you're shaped like a pear and should 'eat smart') and top it off with "lettuce and tomatoes" (everyone needs some filler?). Oh and by the way, you're both a huge mess to clean up...oh snap. How crazy is that? That comparison did in fact JUST HAPPEN and I am currently patting myself on the back for seeing the "big picture/full menu" that is you, Sonia Sotomayor, the "wise latina", or rather, "The Crunch Wrap Supreme". Go Get Em Girl!


Roevs.Wadely,

Dr. SlowEFF



P.S. the taco bell analogy has nothing to do with the fact that you are a latina and may like "mexican-ish" food.

EFF Jam: My Dick

You may have heard this silly ass song on Entourage's season premiere. Let the weird halo music ride out for 10 seconds and then follow along with the lyrics as you experience "My Dick"

WNBA Star's Drunk Drive

Seriously?? I expect it in the NFL/NBA/MLB, but the WNBA? In a story likely to turn heads, the last "pure" professional sports league has incurred its first legal black eye. Diana Tirausi, 3 time NCAA Champion, Olympic Gold Medalist, and point guard for the 2007 WNBA Champion Phoenix Mercury was arrested for a DUI outside of Phoenix on July 2. Not only was it a DUI, but under Arizona law it was deemed an "Extreme DUI" since it's over twice the legal limit. What's next, Cheryl Swoopes caught soliciting prostitution? Lisa Leslie getting arrested with 20 tons of cocaine? Rebecca Lobo accidentaly shooting herself in the leg with an unregistered handgun after it fell from her sweatpants' elastic waistband in a NYC nightclub? Who knows? All I do know is that the WNBA just got a shitload more interesting and will hopefully add a little street cred to the league known for it's fans who drive Subaru Outbacks while listening to Tori Amos.

The Rub Down

Are you a chronic masturbator? Reverse Dry H-J's got you feeling down? Well cheer the eff up because we've got a product that can solve all your fore arm cramping needs. Whether you hammer your jammer and clicker your ticker constantly or you use poor form while typing at your computer the Forearm Pain Relief Massage by Hammacher Schlemmer will solve your cramping woes. With a sleek design concept The Forearm Pain Relief Massage is crafted for maximum comfort with a focus directly on your forearm.


Testimonials:

Tom Raudabaugh of Lansing, Michigan states: "I schlepper my pepper 13 times a day and before The Forearm Pain Relief Massage came around my arms were to weak to do anything else during the day. Now I can open cans of soda, stir cake batter and play toss with local neighborhood children. Thanks Forearm Pain Relief Massage."

Colette Stickles of E. Falmouth, MA says: " I realy enjoy manually stimulating myself...its like wicked awesome. Things weren't so wicked sweet when my form pains prevented me from reaching climax. Forearm Relief Message has helped work out those "Pesky Pole" cramps and now I'm back at it, clicking away at my mouse."

If you too are in need of some forearm relief here is the site with more information:

http://www.hammacher.com/publish/77310.asp?source=New06309&cm_ven=WC&cm_cat=20090702_New063&cm_pla=BYRNOTYHO&cm_ite=77310_The%20Forearm%20Pain%20Relief%20Massager


Thanks to Mr. Effietro for the product recommendation.

In Oda Ouscht

Vassup everyone? The long awaited, homo erotic film debut is upon us at last. For those who are not familiar with Bruno from Austria Gay T.V., go see the movie and get to know him. For those who have already been visually tea bagged by his antics on the Ali G Show....go get a second dose of visual bagging.

Check out this clip of the hottest baby shoot ever:




"Is your baby fine with lit phosphorous?"
"Yes"

Like, So Crazy....OK baby born at 12:34:56 on 07/08/09

Denis the "Numerically Correct New Born" was born at a time and date that runs consecutively from 1-9.....Ohhhhh My EFFFFFFFing Gawd.

And that is news peeps


http://www.koco.com/cnn-news/19998844/detail.html

Creepy Ways To Get Noticed

D here with another round of fill in the blanks!

Go ahead, make it as gay as it looks!

With the free agent signing of Ron Artest to the Lakers, Kobe recently commented on how he came to know of Artest's interest in the now-reigning NBA champions. Following the 08' Finals loss to the Celtics, Kobe stood alone in the shower, fuming over the beating he took by a bunch of C's. After hearing someone enter (most likely a teammate, towel boy, hooker maybe) Kobe looked up to see non-other than Mr. Ron "Melee" Artest! "I want to come help you," Artest said. "If I can, I'm going to find a way to come to LA and give you the help you need [to win a title]." Luckily, Kobe was already in the shower and was able to quickly clean off the shit that would have otherwise covered his pants, toweled off and got the hell out of there… That's one way to show you're interested - I know I'm all ears when standing ass naked and defenseless when confronted by a 260 lb dude with a short temper.

Following the impromptu "shower confessionals", Artest claimed that besides keeping his soapy promise to Kobe, he thinks that the Lakers need to be "hoodalized" http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/rumors/post/Artest-Lakers-need-to-be-hoodalized-?urn=nba,174693 … Perfect.

Meet Mr. Worst Last Name Ever

tough deal of the cards for Robert....and a hard sell to the ladies I imagine.

EFF Jam: Love Shack

A little old place where we can get together...and?

Michael Jackson Soundboard

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/soundboards/play/6253/

Have a ball with this...maybe block your cell number and prank call an old girlfriend and show her what kind of man you are.

Cops Buy Donut Shop.....hehehehe

The Clare Police Force purchased a struggling donut franchise successfully cutting out the middle man.

JB'ing

Post July 4th delayed birthday wishes to America...present to follow

Sarah Palin sucks...can't wait to see what this moose effer is going to do next...maybe take care of her special needs child like she should or maybe run for president? vomit

Elephants are used as begging leverage in Bangkok....i get it but i don't get it. http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/07/05/thailand.elephant.begging/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Air McNair- officially classified as a murder...officially unfortunate...officially unsafe to date young waitresses from Dave and Busters

I received an email that said nothing more than "Nail Straight, Fits Great, $78" I like the rhyming action but they could atleast tell me more about the product.

And this is just gold....gold turd I might add.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,529901,00.html?mep

Michael Jackson Memorial Today...R.I.P. MJ

EFF Jam: Weezer- Buddy Holly

First CD I ever bought--17 years ago...still a favorite

Open Letter: To The Most Interesting Man In The World

Dear Mr. Most Interesting Man In The World,

The first time I viewed your Dos Equis commercial I was enchanted. Let's just say you had me at "hello", a word you probably know in every language. You play Hi Li, you live vicariously through yourself and you once had an awkward moment just to see how it felt....boom, I'm sold on you and 100% interested. At the very end of the commercial, surrounded by hot chicks in a swanky lounge setting, you remind us all to "stay thirsty" and let me tell you, after hearing those tidbits about you I was thirsty as eff to learn more. Thank god there were follow up commercials with more extremely interesting facts about you...how you speak French in Russian, how you can disarm a man with your looks or your hands, how you don't carry credit cards because your personality is too magnetic and how your blood smells like cologne( hit me two times bitches). Next I find out that in addition to the stream of commercials that provide interesting information about you, there are also many short clips in which you address random interesting topics such as "careers", "red dresses", "those nuts", "packages", "grooming" and the importance of "life". Of course all these topics are discussed while you sit there with that beard of yours, the one that has "experienced more than a lesser man's body", yeah that's the one.

I mean what the eff man...you are the balls and the shaft and I absolutely want to be you. I'm not quite sure how I would go about it of course but I've started a personal exploratory committee, chaired by myself, to "explore" the possibility of becoming as interesting as you.

Is there anything that you just don't do or have yet to consider doing? Maybe taming lions, going back and getting a couple Doctorates in East Asian studies and Botany or achieving certification as a sommelier, I really don't know, but I'm confident you have a plan and you'll see it through. I'd have to say it is that last fact, the having a plan and seeing it through that I respect the most about you...you have lived a life daring to do new and "interesting" things and what's more, you accomplished those goals and continue to set out new ones. You are truly a maverick renegade and I applaud your life choice and take everything you say literally...also, dos equis is cool with me.

Sincerely,

Dr. Sloweff

P.S. will you be my sensei?

P.P.S what grade beard trimmer do you use?



and this one is just amaing "and then I taught a horse to read my emails" hahahaha

Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions

A little joint from Andy Samberg and Will Ferrell with a guest appearance by Paul Rudd. Pretty sure this was on the MTV Awards or maybe just made for them and scratched...would not know the answer to that as I did not watch. Soooooooo, here it effing is




The Sloweff Squad doesn't look at explosions...we might peek at them though just to get an idea.

Is 7 Inches Enough to Blow Your Mind?

In what seems to be an erotic pattern forming, Burger King's new Super Seven Incher sandwich was intended to "blow your mind away" and "fill your desire for something long, juicy [and flame grilled]". But apparently all it's done is start a sexy uproar over it's naughty print advertisement in Singapore.

Seems that some think the ad is "outlandish", going so far as saying "the American cheese on the sandwich seemed a little too white." Now that's outlandish… actually no, that's mayonnaise. But while Americans are scrambling to cover their PC asses in a last ditch effort to not piss off every country, Singaporeans like the campaign and apparently the 7 inches of flame grilled juicy goodness that comes with it. That's what she said. Might I remind you that this is Singapore we're talking about.

Recipe for Music Video Masterpiece

1 part Zach Galifianakis
1 part Kanye West
1 part air hump magic
1/2 pinch clog dancers
1/2 pinch folkster Will Oldham
1/4 pinch lip synch
Dash of corn field, cows, a red tractor, and a chainsaw

Filmed in 2007, this video was just a prelude to another fine performance by Mr. Galifianakis in "The Hangover". By the way, if you are living under a rock and have not yet seen it, go NOW. It is efftastic.

Coolest Burger Ever

This is easily the coolest burger ever


Made to look like the Nike Air Max 90...yummy

O's Big Comeback

Last night the Baltimore Orioles completed the biggest comeback of the organizations history overcoming a 9 run deficit against the first place Red Sox to win 11-10. The Orioles scored 5 in the 7th and 5 more in the 8th to seal the deal. This is not only the biggest comeback the Orioles have had since the 1956 season but its also the largest deficit overcome by a last place team against a first place team EVA. As a hopeless Orioles fan this is about as big a story as we can hope to have this year, hence the blog.

Special thanks to S. Eff. B for the historical stats referenced...lalalalalala

Here is the box score and article if anyone reading this is also an Orioles fan or has some remote interest in baseball history.

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/recap?gameId=290630101

EFF Jam: Phoenix Lizstomania

Cool little jam I heard on the radio...makes you want to tap your feet and that's always a good thing.

HAAHAHAAHAHAH

In case you can't fully see the ad, here is the break down.

A lady with heartburn needs something to sooth her chest pains so she turns to Gaviscon...takes the product, that as advertised, feels like "A Fireman Came In Your Mouth"- meaning it puts out the fire that heart burn caused. An issue of translation I suppose.

Here is the link if you want to get the full view.

http://adhack.com/community/blog/james-sherrett/gaviscon-its-fireman-came-your-mouth

EFF Jam: Flash Gordon By Queen

This is more for the extremely cheesetastic music video that accompanies the song than anything...but queen is always sweet.

Swine Flu Party: BYO H1N1

In an effort to expose children to the virus early on in the hopes of building a resistance to it, parents have held Swine Flu parties. Makes sense, sounds a little crazy and believe it or not, this is not the first time such parties have been held. Back in the day people would have "Measles Parties" and "Chicken Pox Parties" for the same reasons. Popular games played at these parties are "Pin the Swine on the Toddler" and "Everyone Kiss Each other". Additionally, only one cup, one fork, one seat and zero soap are present at these parties to ensure the desired result.

I imagine it all plays out like this:

1. a kid gets swine flu

2. entrepreneurial parent decides to capitalize on the illness

3. Parent calls other parents offering invites to an "H1N1 Lollapalooza" with a charge per each child who needs to be infected.

4. Other parents R.S.V.P which of course stand for "Registered. Swine. Virus. Participant"

5. Parents arrive at party with kids and check made payable to the "host parent" and thenn they toss the kids in a room and make them roll all over each other.

6. "host parent" cleans up some nice green and the rest of the parents leave happy and assured that their kiddies will get super sick in the name of resisting a future outbreak of the virus....Bravo

Sounds like a page out of the Gay Orgy book only with those parties no one had any idea what they were gonna catch...whammy

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/06/30/flu.party/index.html

The C String....Oh boy

No more panty lines ladies...Now you can just get the C String. This not not G string fits snuggly in your crotch. Have a blast at the beach avoiding embarrassing tan lines and staying comfortable with CCCCCCCC String. Everyone with a C should Get a C string.

RIP MIKE

I wanted to post my favorite Michael Jackson song in rememberence of the legend.



There's something about the first 5 seconds of this song that wake up my dance demons. If i'm sitting I jump up to attnetion, if I'm already up I'll do a 360 jump. Theres something about this song that just makes you want to take it to the next level. By far, the simplest purest motown song ever made. You've all heard about his timeless style, and this song totally embodies it. How old is he in this? 5??? Give me a friggen break, game over. And how can you not scream BABYYY!!! at the end of this? It's impossible...best song ever. I want you back, but the best part about musical legends is that their legacy can live on forever and although he's gone this song isn't going anywhere.

Challenge

Click this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_hz2am90Hk&feature=featured

Try not to dance, I dare you

Phillipino Inmates: "Thriller"

This is just silly and if you youtube them you'll find a variety of other organized prison yard dances.




Has to be, hands down, the coolest place to go to prison ever.

EFF Jam: Billie Jean Live

"Remember to always think twice"

R.I.P. King of Pop

Dear Michael,

I started dancing to your "Off The Wall" and "Thriller" albums at the age of 6. Jumping from couch to couch, grabbing my crotch, yelling "Ow" in as high a pitch as possible. You were then and are now my favorite musician...despite all of your oddities, your reclusive nature and your black to white re-imaging, I do not care and to some extent did not pay all that much attention to the goings on in your personal life, for me it was always about your music, and that will always remain.

Were it not for a weekend full of set plans I would have liked very much to dance to your songs at bars, in abandoned warehouses, in the middle of a desert, on the streets of a desecrated neighborhood, on a space ship and in front of a green screen, really anywhere would do. Unfortunately, I will have to reserve such enthusiastic remembrance for the confines of my car, my go to dance floor on wheels.

I along with the sloweffsquad hope you find peace in the after life, wherever the eff you might believe that to be...a Disney cartoon, a giant bed full of pillows, inside a giant sparkly glove or in a world full of zombies.

Thanks,

Dr. Sloweff

Here is a link to the official youtube Michael Jackson page. Its full of info but more importantly, has all of his music videos for your viewing pleasure...as the embedding option is not available for us to put them on here.

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=michaeljackson&view=videos&start=20

Curious George last spotted in South Africa

Curious George has been located, to the delight of fans around the world, myself included. After being lost for almost a year, he has emerged urinating on the Zambian President's head. The Man in the Yellow Hat has been taken into custody and is awaiting sentencing for neglect. Silly monkey...

"Perhaps these are blessings" - Zambian President

EFF Jams: Cheesy Summer Tunes Flashback

Chinese food never makes me sick



And for my boy DPH...I know this is your "jam"
They disabled the embed so here's the URL...well worth the look
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMl2QtZmLEQ

Russian Energy Giant GAZPROM's new company

In a deal with the country of Nigeria, Russian energy giant GAZPROM has acquired a new company. That company will be name NIGAZ a clear combination of the first three letters of Nigeria and the first three letters of GAZPROM...enough said.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/8118721.stm

Crop Circles = Wallabies High On Opium

A closer look at what first appeared to be crop circles in the region of Tasmania has uncovered a very silly reality. Don't worry people, its not aliens, it's just wallabies. The Wallabies are getting high as shit in the legally operated opium fields and then hopping around in circles, which leads to the crop circle-esque patterns that were discovered. Apparently the wallabies are not the only wild life that have been known to get high on the Big O...deer and sheep have also been witnessed "dabbling" in the crops and walking around in circles and baaaa-ing about "profound shit man."

I wonder if these animals are aware of the crop and its effect. Are they intentionally using it for such results and could they develop a chemical or habitual dependency on the stuff?...maybe the wallabies are selling this stuff on the streets or in the bush out of that very convenient front pouch they have...or maybe they're involved with the Russian mob and this opium gig is just a side project to the real bread winner, the caviar smuggling trade of course???


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31539546/ns/world_news-weird_news/

Did I say Appalachian???

I meant Argentina! Honest mistake.

After a week-long hiadus in the "mountains", South Carolina Governer Mark Sanford has emerged from the bush with the shocking news that he wasn't relaxing in the rocky terrain a mere hour from the state capital, rather he was exploring the mountains of a "dear dear friend" south of the equator. "I wanted to do something exotic," Sanford told The State. No shit?

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/06/24/report-south-carolina-governor-traveled-argentina-appalachian-trail/

EFF Jam: Birthday Sex (Remix)

Girl you know I I I...

Where Are You From?

I'm from useless.

Tell The Girl Like Doritos That's Nac-Cho Cheese!

What would you do if a scary looking girl proposed sex out of nowhere at a bar? Some people I know would accept, I would probably blush somewhat, say no thank you and remove myself from the situation. What would you do if the same girl proposed sex in exchange for chips? I'm not talking about poker chips late-night in Vegas or AC, I'm talking straight-up Ruffles, Pringles, or Crunchers if you will. I myself, would RUN far far away and never return to the location of such a disturbing request. Pray with me Forrest, "Dear God...Make me a bird.. so I can fly far far away from here..Dear God...Make me a bird...so I can fly far far away from here" You get the picture.....





Few questions I'd ask myself while sprinting quicker than Usain Bolt..the fastest thing running....

1) Would somebody have sex with this woman sans chip exchange? Probably...then why the chips?

2) Would she try to eat Tostitos Hint of Lime (delicious I might add) off me in some weird sex act and/or eat me? I hope not..nightmares

3) Why does this woman associate chips with sex? Disturbing childhood or perhaps she just loves crunching chips and this damm recession is holding her back.


"Tell her friends like Fritos I'm trying to Lay".......please follow up at your own discretion......

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Sully Rocks

Once again Captain Sullenberger has proved he's the man. This American icon recently made a quick cameo during the chorus of the new rock supergroup Chickenfoot's video "Oh Yeah." Chickenfoot is comprised of a couple ex- Van Halen members as Velvet Revolver was to Guns N Roses.




Not to be forgotten, Sullenberger's "sink or swim" rise to iconic status was when his plane lost power over the GW bridge (Nothing like coasting a multiple ton aircraft over the one of the heaviest travelled bridges in the country). When many people would have pooped themselves, Sully calmly stated "We are landing in the Hudson, we are landing in the Hudson" and did such that. Cheers Sully! Please view yourself.....

This Just In>>>>NO SHIT!

Jon and Kate plus a Judge, two lawyers, guardian ad litem for the children, court TV, Major Media Outlets, financial affidavits, mud slinging depositions = commence divorce proceedings.

Don't worry though people, they'll still continue with the show.

Face-Tatted Dumbass Admits to Being Dumbass

After defying her father and a normal threshold of pain, Mike Tyson enthusiast and Belgian teen Kimberley Vlaeminck has now admitted that she wasn't actually asleep when her tattoo artist bedazzled her face with 56 stars. It wasn't until her boyfriend and father lost their collective minds that the 56 stars was only intended to be 3. With no legitimate case against the artist, she's going to have to earn $10K for laser removal surgery. She currently holds the timeslot between the Siamese twins and the bearded lady.

Perez Pummelled, Karma Still Undefeated

Karma: 1,933,894,448,243,512,982,464,486,201,008
Everyone Else: 0

A story out of the "I Can't Believe It Took This Long" column, celebrity blogger Perez Hilton finally got what was coming to her, a good old fashioned rough up. I'm not one to condone violence, hell, I'm not one to condone blogging either, but this one makes me chuckle a little bit. Mrs. Hilton continuously crosses the line about 10 times a day on his blog about peoples weight, appearance, and personal issues. It's clear that he sides with the same people all the time and continues to bash the people he dislikes. It was no surprise that one of those people that he continues to bash finally lashed out on him this weekend at the MuchMusic Awards After Party. Apparently the dust up involved the Black Eyed Peas and their manager "Marco" Polo Molina. Obviously this has turned into a giant she said-she said, but it's clear that no matter how much shit you talk, it's gonna come back to bite you in the ass.

EFF Jam: Kinda Like A Big Deal

"Pardon me I must say...I'm kinda like a big deal"

Perez Hilton Gets Punched...Awesome

Perez is clearly heartbroken, offended, insulted and all in all experiencing the karma that comes around when you make a living bashing people.

iVibe= Apple is a pervert

So it's official...in the pissing contest to create the "next big app" for the Iphone there is a winner....The IVibe. An app capable of bringing female Iphone users to the brink of ecstasy and beyond. With varying levels of vibration the phone, placed gently on the IVagina, can serve as a modest vibrator in the most discreet ways. It is being advertised as the go to option "when your kids are around, when you're driving, when you're stressed at work". Funnier still, Apple has officially approved the first phone vibrator application leaving the door open to many a creative techy out there to create the next wild application. I suggest they remember the male users of the Iphone and create the IJob...a phone with a hole in the middle of it.



http://www.getemgirls.com/?tag=ivibe

Tim Burton Loves Making Kids S Their P's

In his latest installment, of Tim Burton's "How Can I Continue to Scare the Shit Out of Kids" movie series, the enigmatic director takes on the childhood classic Alice in Wonderland. In what is sure to be just as weird and abstract as the book, the movie version features all of the old favorite characters, including Burton's man crush Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter. This movie follows in the footsteps of other childhood stories being recreated for the big screen such as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (also produced by Burton) as well as the #1 most anticipated movie of the year WTWTA. Be sure to pack your diapers.

JB'ing: Heavy Stuff Man

1. what is the world coming to? seriously...thoughts, bueller...anyone?

2. Chace Crawford of Gossip Girl is America's Hottest Bachelor according to People...eff me for knowing this.

3. If you don't know about "Foxy Knoxy" you should google the girl...she's hot and in and italian jail on murder charges.

4. Eff the weather, eff it hard....summer solstice better bring its A game

5. and Iran, Iran so far away

6. it is on days like these that lunch ordering places me squarely at odds with summer time slim down....sausage and peppers with mozz on a hoagie= no problem

7. uhhhhhhh kavian?


It seems instead of a dick, this man has a full lower leg complete with soccer cleat, shin guard and knee high red sock...."hey babe, wanna eff?" In addition to that he has a man growing out of his ass and floating in mid air...im an idiot, yes i am.

Follow Up To Smuggling Post: Vans aren't cutting edge

A World mountain bike champion apparently felt less is more and went with the old van full of a couple hundred lbs of marijuana. 2 points for effort...-100 for lack of creativity.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=4268555

Drug Smugglers Are So Cutting Edge

The drug smuggling business is one that requires constant adaption and never ending creativity. Way way back in the day they used to fly below radar on small planes. They then modified this and would set up specific drop locations over the water and have speed boats pick up duffel bags full of weed, yayo and H-train. As the Federales and United States DEA officials began to get wise to these tactics it was back to the drawing board for cartels around the world...the task: How to smuggle drugs in the least likely, most indiscreet manner.

There is of course the impressive ecstasy trade that utilized hard cover children's books to store more than enough MDMA to get a rave going. This group, out of Amsterdam also utilized the "always Innocent" image of young Hasidic Jewish men...often considered the least likely drug mules on the planet.




Sticking with the drug mule method there are countless stories of cartels forcing people to swallow balloons across boarders and subsequently shit them out and sell them to distributors once in the desired location. That's' right...you may have done drugs that someone else shit out...lets hope those balloons were durable.




Not long ago there was the story that broke out of Mexico in which a Colombian cartel had fashioned their own cocaine stuffed submarine for crafty under water smuggling. Seems the Naval forces have radar that can detect that kind of shit.




Also crafty in their smuggling techniques are the local Italian deli's of New York City who were also using submarines, of the sandwich variety, to hide and distribute drugs. Meat Platters were also used...FYI.



There is also the situation from back in the Viet-Effing-Nam days when soldiers bodies were loaded with drugs and then shipped back to the U.S. both crafty and extremely immoral...however morals were never a factor in the "Drug Game Yo"


Most recently the cartels have attempted to stuff dead sharks with 870 packages of cocaine. They were of course caught...that's how we know this happened, a duh.



Other notable smuggling/stashing/distribution techniques that I have heard of are match books in Pizza Uno..yep that's a call out. Napkins, cell phones with batteries removed, jewelry cases, chap sticks and of course the good old fashion clenched butt cheeks.

Who knows what we will see next?

Mrs. Doubtfire?

After his mother died in 2003, Thomas Parkin forged documents and filed lawsuits in his mothers name and also accepted social security benefits and even posed as his mother in meeting with authorities and at banks. What The EFF man? Eventually he was dscovered...there's a shocker but it wasn't until he had racked up about 100K and 6 years worth of shenanigans.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/06/17/ny.mother.impersonation/index.html

EFF Jam: Iran Style

In an effort to draw attention? to the Iranian election I've selected the first video that popped up on youtube.com when I typed in "Iran Music." The rest just makes me laugh.

Bonna-screwed: How not to start a 4 day concert

This past weekend the modern day equivalent of woodstock took place in rolling hills of tennessee. That's right sloweffers, hippies and non hippies alike traveled to Bonna-effing-roo to noodle dance, listen to good tunes, get good vibes, get and do good drugs, sleep in tents, not shower, freak out, have sex in mud, throw up in port-o-potties....and or, die in a tent, get arrested with thousands worth of weed and shrooms and or get pulled over with an RV full of weed and exotic healing crystals.

It seems the option is yours here peeps, its a free will kind of place and with free will often comes costly consequences. Below are two ass bags who were traveling with exotic healing crytals and mari ju ana...











Creepy old hippies they are

http://www.wsmv.com/news/19739351/detail.html#

EFF Jam: Shiny Toy Guns>>>Major Tom

Heard this beat in a lincoln car commercial...in case anyone is in need of a basic refernce point for this jump off.

A look into how this whole "internet" thing got started...

It wasn't that long ago when people had no clue what the eff was going on with this "internet" thing, and this solid gold clip of Tom Brokaw at a Computer expo from the mid-90's is a great look into how far weve come. Four pound computers...virtual malls...a watch that connects to your computer?? My only wish is that a current day blackberry would appear form the future in this midst of this segment and the whole convention ends up s-ing their p's in unison.

Comfort Wipe: Revolutionary Toilet Paper Advancement

Touted as the first major advance in toilet paper since the 1880's the comfort wipe will allow the old, the inflexible and the overweight a more accessible ass wiping option....hahahahahah

EFF Jam: Sue is a Hooker

A classic I just could not turn down...this one goes out to our roman friend thone.

I didn't watch it: a movie review of a movie i've never seen

The "Taking of Pelham 123" is on the burner today and I will start by recommending they remove the "1" and "3" and just take a number "2" on themselves...if that doesn't make sense to the many people who do not think like I, Dr. Sloweff, here is what I mean: The movie should take a shit on itself. Complicated..yes, deserved...also yes.

Again its bad guy Jonny T making mayhem, much like he did in "Broken Arrow" only this time, instead of war heads, he's taken a subway car full of people, disconnected it and trapped himself in between subway stations. As the men in Guiness commercials say "Brilliant"...and as Dr. SlowEFF says..."your an effing retard." The plot obviously thickens and leads "innocent" subway car operator man aka Denzel to the position of saver of the day- ver, er, er. Anyways...Hollywood, Im not buying it. Two names like Washinton and Travolta don't make a movie great unless of course the movie is great...and in this case I can assume this movie sucks...deep and long and hard. Also I bet i would hate the camera angles they use in the filming of the movie...and they had better not make the NYC MTA subways look any sort of neat because those things are dirty effing cellars I tell ya...

I give this movie 4 effing sucks out of a possible 5

Sloweff and Roeper...Out

Dog Eats Weed, Demands Nachos

Great Story out of Seattle today, it appears that "Jack," a lab mix, got into a stoners stash of sticky grass in a local park. After Jack reappeared from the woods "dizzy" and "disoriented" he immediately made his way into the kitchen where he grabbed a bag of funions and went into the living room where he reportedly listened to Hendrix and remarked about the "Good Ol' Days" for about 3 hours. Jack then dozed off for 45 minutes and woke up cranky and irritable. No word as to whether Jacks idea for choclate covered cheeseburgers will ever take off.

Video of the Day: Surviving Edged Weapons

Take the time to watch the whole video...things really start to pick up around 2:04 and of course, you don't want to miss a tactical maneuver that may one day save your life in a knife fight.

EFF Jam: Mos Def and Slick Rick>>>Mos Definitely

Meow Mix Miami

Warning...If you or someone you know is a cat...DO NOT GO TO MIAMI!

Since May 13th there have been a string of 12 highly sadistic cat killings in and around the city of Miami. No one knows for sure if this is a gang related/ satanic cult related initiation or just some crazy eff running around mutilating peoples pet cats. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN


Check out the story below:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/06/11/florida.cats.killed/index.html

Robot Snakes!!!

The Israeli military has developed a new robot snake for snooping around, planting bombs, and scaring Palestinians. The new 6 foot long tool of espionage can weave through tough environments to spy on people through it's lens on the "snake's" head. No word if there will be a civilian release of this model but I'm on the edge of my seat, think of all the shinanigans that you can get into with this thing.

EFF Jam: We Go Hard

Great song, even cooler video to watch....chyeah chyeah

I Effing Dare You: Grandma's Orders

Kathryn Winkfein, age 72, was pulled over on the highway and issued a speeding ticket. When the officer asked her to sign the ticket she grew some balls and let the officer know she wasn't happy. Shouting expletives (ie "eff this", "eff that") she refused to comply with the officer's request...and then things got really real. Officer Bieze opened the car door and explained to little old grandma Winkfein that if she continued to resist he would have to arrest her. She didn't give an eff and continued to cause a scene even after stepping out of her vehicle. It was at that point that Officer Beize told Grandma he would have to taze her if she did not step back from the road and comply...to which she replied "Go ahead, Taze Me", the officer again tried to get control of Winkfein but she twisted away. He again informed her he would taze her if she did not cooperate...at which point she said "I Dare You!"....famous last words Grandma Winkfein...the officer tazed her and arrested her for resisting arrest. Lesson to be learned here people, it does not matter who you are...if you eff with the law/ask them to taze you...ya gonna get TAZED Bitch!

here is the link

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31202935/