Oh My Sweet EFF, My Zodiac Sign Changed?

So there is some hot, hot chatter "trending" (hate that term) regarding a recent shift in Zodiac signs. As you can imagine this has caused quite a stir among the astrologically inclined, singles looking for ideal matches, people who have "sweet" zodiac tats and probably a little bit of Chinese history as well.

Now I won't say I follow my "sign" daily or place a great deal of worth in what it says but I certainly do enjoy checking it from time to time and if it says something P-tarded like "love is in the air and this month will be a financial success" you can bet your sweet ass I walk around with my fingers and toes crossed up for good luck.

The reality of this astrological nightmare is that there is no need to fear. The signs have only shifted if you adhere to the eastern styled sidereal zodiac. As westerners we follow the tropical zodiac and as such have no need for drastic life alterations. So if you have a shit tatoo that depicts your sign or you just recently lined up a date with your most compatible astrological opposite, never fear...the stars come out in the sky each night, all is well.

http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2011/01/13/no-your-zodiac-sign-hasnt-changed/?hpt=C2

Sarah Palin Just Farted.

She totes just farted. Look at her face...seriously, if that's not a post fart nervous grin i don't know what is.

Urgent Additional Katy Perry Analysis

I have just been informed by a sloweff reader that a fatal flaw exists in my katy perry analysis. In my seemingly well thought out breakdown of Ms. Perry's body of work I carelessly overlooked two "deal breakers" if you will. I simply cannot stand idle knowing the absence of two "essential hits" could sway my affection for KP...it wouldn't be right.

So:

Teenage Dream and California Girls are on the board and are currently playing on a loop while this horrific error is addressed.

Upon close of the last post the score stood at 1-3 in dis-favor of Ms. Perry. The addition of these two songs could very easily flip the switch, mount a comeback, eff shit up and even alter the world as we know it...it's poss but not obvi.

Teenage Dream: hell, i'd be an ass if I attempted to deny the high school whimsy this song evokes. If you can't recall that wild high school emotion from the good old teenage days than i truly feel sorry for you. There are few things one experiences in life that compare to the wonderful world of a teenage romance. I feel absolutely no need to argue this song any further. A teenage dream is a teenage dream and whether you're 15 or 50 the excitement you feel is simply the "tits." Score one for Ms. Perry...it's now 2-3.

California Gurls: Analysis of this song tears my heart in every direction. First off, it features snoop and that's always a plus. IN addition, it's about california girls and as a resident of San Diego I would be stuffed full of high grade bullshit if i were to deny the reality that is a "california girl." I definitely react to this song when I hear it but with far less intensity as I might for Ms. Perry's "kissed a girl" or "if we ever meet again" with timbo. I guess what I'm trying to say is it just does not "light a fire" within me and unfortunately that's a fatal flaw for a song as I see it. I'd love to give a point in favor of Ms. Perry here but I can't force what doesn't feel right.

Final Score is 2-4...despite a late push with "teenage dreams" Ms. Perry was unable to win over my full fledged support. She'll have to prove her worth as time moves forward if I am ever to declare myself a "fan."

Open Letter To Katy Perry: We Have Both Kissed Girls and Liked It

Dear Katy,

I'm writing to you for a very specific reason. I was recently asked point blank, "do you like katy perry?" Initially I stuttered and found myself lacking any opinion and truly at a loss for words (a phenomenon that rarely occurs). I was informed that the debate over you and your music had created a divide amongst four siblings and in the course of said debate, two pro "katyperriers" made the argument that i would like you. It would seem a statement such as that would end any debate whatsoever. I have, for the last 5 years, been considered the pre-eminent scholar on all things "YOU" and so we now stand at this fateful crossroads. "Do I effing like you?" Discuss!

Well Katy I feel it's best to start with the beginning...much like the bible and any good book, it's crucial to absorb the entirety of the situation before making any full fledged commitments or offerings of support.

You came out the blocks with the hot, edgy, not, not Lesbo ballad "i Kissed a girl and i liked it."




A creative marketing ploy to say the least. This song put you out there as someone who was fresh and fearless when it came to speaking your mind/deep soul kissing same sex individuals. I could instantly relate to the lyrics as they pumped aggressively in my mode of transportation. I felt a bond building as I realized I have also kissed (a) girls and I also liked it. I mean OmEFFG Katy...did you just say "Jon Stamos?" because i think we just became best friends.
NOT SO EFFING FAST!

Your next song "hot and cold" sucked...it sounded much like your debut, the above mentioned track, and demonstrated a "boxed" Hollywood lack of creativity. If I'm feeling hot and that song comes on I am instantly cold. If I had been fist pumping pre-that song coming on I am almost immediately disinterested and it's highly probable I've gone to "secretly" throw up in the bathroom.

As it stands after two songs the score is 1 to 1. HMMM, let's dig a little deeper.

I want to be very clear that as I now write this I am blasting a 4 song play list containing nothing but you're music. It's both research and inspiration...maybe a little weak spot for top 40's pop music on the side as well.

The collaboration you and Timbaland put out, "if we ever meet again" in late spring/early summer of 2010 is easily my bottom bitch( for those who don't know...this means my top money earner if I happened to be a pimp..it's a good thing) where you and your body of work is concerned. I have danced to this song fully clothed and fully lacking clothes. I have fist pumped to the moon and back while enjoying this song. HOWEVER, it's a Timbaland track and that essentially guarantees success. Moreso, It's him featuring you and not you featuring him...another one bites the dust. I can in no way knock this song but I can't in good conscience give you the points on this one.

The score now stands at 1 for and 2 against.

Last but not least is your latest release. "Fireworks" will be the deciding factor in this super hot, pop cultural debate. I realize there is an even number of songs being judged and as such the possibility of a tie is in the cards...however, a tie is a loss in this game and a side/opinion/last word will be given.

As i now bop my head to and fro to the beat of "fireworks" I feel desperately unsure of myself. I "semi-heart" the inspiring mantra the song promotes. I have often imagined myself as a firework blasting across the sky...etc and as such I am unable to say "i don't like that song." However, this song, much like "hot and cold" lacks any effort. For that reason alone I am forced to score another one against you. This leaves the final tally at 1-3.

As a doctor and as a friend/potential follower on twitter/aspiring 27 year old not not teen pop artist, I feel compelled to offer you my diagnosis and a prescription to get you back on track.

Step outside the effing box with your beats and catchy lyrics. Take a break from this pre-packaged "jumpy mcJam Jam" shenanigans and explore your more creative sides (if they do in fact exist). If you could find it within yourself to revert back to the edgy/counter cult/betty page looking Katy Perry who not only kissed girls but kissed them and liked it I assure you there will be success in your future. It might also be beneficial for you to consult your husband Russell Brand. He's "like totally hilarious" as far as im concerned and he always provides ridiculous hits via his alter ego Aldus Snow in the movies he appears. As he sings, "inside you," is where you need to be looking.

In conclusion, and upon thorough review of your 4 more popular songs, I have "kissed your music, and i did not like it" and I'm a firm believer in the power of a kiss.

REgardless:



as a side note...this video makes abso-effin-lutley no sense to me. I mean jewel thiefs? Is that the asian chick from wayne's world? I thought this song was about running into a past love not jacking a sweet old ladies "family jewels."

Dr. Sloweff: Back in the Building

So long long sebatics from basements to attics. No writing or posts just the doctor and ghosts. It's back on the boogie, not splenda but suggie, not knight but the day, shots right so I play.

San Di-effing-Ego: the home and the playground from which the posts now flutter. Coming new in "2K Levs" will be a section entitled "People Are Effing Awesome" with a focus on levels of awesomeness people have attained and also the lack thereof. In addition, there will be a good bit of VLoggin coming straight outta compton with thoughts and general life advice from my southern 60 year old alter ego "Miss Alice"...this is sure to be a hit as Miss Alice pulls no punches and shoots from the hip and has recently been compared to a female equivalent of Glenn Beck (who sucks balls) so you know it's good to goodie.

Bottom line is this...the Squad took a break for slow, slow effery, body building and creative rejuvenation. Now we're back and this time around we'll be bigger than ever in Canada...maybe even one of the new Sudan's (finger's crossed).

I leave you with this video as a brief but explanatory gift...a teaser, a lip wetter, a pump fake, an in out in out, a just the tip on top of an ouch ouch you're on my hair. i believe some call it a preview.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MLqoiOcjYg

and this

http://www.youtube.co/watch?v=v_habakm5sw

IFYOURENOTEFFINGFASTYOUREEFFINGSLOWLY,

Dr. Sloweff

NOM NOM NOM

Despite high-class eateries at the brand new Target Field, one hungry Yankee fan was forced to make due with what is available at last night's game

In The News

Obama selected a random tranny with a law degree for the soon-to-be vacant Supreme Court seat. Similar to American Idol's selection of Ellen DeGeneres, Obama liked her "openness" and expects her to make every defendent feel like they're a winner despite the verdict.

Michael Bolton has officially hit rock bottom, asking asylum escapee Lady Gaga for help on writing songs for his new album "One World, One Heart". Just picture "When a Man Loves a Woman" to the beat of "Bad Romance". Groovy

Immigrant Governator makes a funny saying, "I was also going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend, but with my accent I was afraid they would try to deport me."

Filipinos are taking a cue from the Californian blueprint, voting the strong man on the picture box for Congress with the hopes of attracting massive debt and generic pretentious women who don't work but get paid to be fake on camera with frenemies!

Senior "Shoots" 6-Under on Front 9, DQ'd on 14th Hole

Notre Dame Marketing major, Annie Brophy, says "It probably wasn't my best idea" when questioned about reporting false scores this weekend at the NCAA Central Regional. Despite shooting well over 30 on the front 9, her reported score of 6-under had put the Notre Dame team in contention to qualify for the NCAA Championship, forcing 3 other teams to hang around in case of a playoff. "I had no idea my individual score would mess so much with team scores," she said. She's scheduled to graduate next week, proving once and for all, Marketing isn't a real major.

Crack Is Cool!

Well not really. It's terribly addictive and can lead to shady activity. But in comparison to rape, it's right up there with peeing your pants. But as we all know, everyone's favorite leg-breaking linebacker Lawrence Taylor was a bit of a crack fiend... which has led to shady activity... like having sex with a 15 year-old runaway-turned hooker. The girl, who was treated for injuries related to being punched in the face, was brought to a Ramapo, NJ Holiday Inn by a pimp. Yada yada yada, LT is now being charged with 3rd degree rape. Why 3rd degree? Was it less rapey because she was beaten into going by her pimp? Or is it because she's a hooker, but an underage hooker, so it's kind of her profession, but at this age she doesn't really know what she wants? Better question: Where's the pimp in all of this? The way I see it, maybe he should be catching some jail time for taking in 15 year-old runaways and beating them into sleeping with unknowning hall-of-famers (I use "unkowning" lightly, as we all know, everyone thinks the girl was 18 after the fact). But what kind of pimp would he be if he was getting arrested for pimpin'? Every good pimp knows not to get arrested, that was lesson 1 on the first day of pimpology 101. This was day 2: